My Health: It's more than just about food, it's about my spirit

I pulled out the veggies I needed to make my salad for the lunch.
The spinach, carrots, tomatoes, carrots and as I started chopping them,
I heard the lyrics from the Pandora station...

And I will worship You Lord 
Only you Lord
And I will bow down before You Lord
Only you Lord

Instantly tears welled up in my eyes and a sob caught in my throat.
I stood here in the middle of the kitchen making myself a salad,
like its the healthiest thing I could do for myself.
Yet, as I heard those words, I also heard the truth in my heart.
My health, it's more than about food. So much more than about food.
It's also about my spirit because I can feed myself physically,
but if I don't feed myself spiritually than I'll never feel completely healthy.

I know deep inside me that I need to open my Bible everyday.
It is one of the things I've wanted to be intentional about this year.
The truth though? I often just think about reading the Word and don't actually do it.
I started off doing well this year, telling myself I would read the whole Bible in a year
with She Reads Truth, but then I got behind and I kind of just gave up.
I'm the type of person that feels like if I can't do something well, I just don't do it at all.
That's what's happened here even though I know it's not about being perfect.
He doesn't call us to be perfect. He calls us to just come to Him.

My heart knows that it needs The Word.
My soul longs for it and I am so good at depriving myself of it.
I could give you a list of excuses (that are real and true), but He wants us to walk with Him
regardless of it all and I've been running away from it lately.
I know though, that even though I eat a salad daily for lunch
and I try to skip the ice cream,
that those things aren't enough for this tired, exhausted mama.
The healthier thing I can do for my body and soul is go to The Word.
It fills me with more peace than anything else ever could.
So in order to get back to being healthy spiritually tomorrow I start waking up early,
before the kids, before my husband, but not to tackle my to-do list,
like I'll feel the urge to do,
but to feed my heart and mind with God.

I know it will do my body, mind, and soul some good.
Not to mention I know my days will go much better
having some time before everyone else wakes.

Do you struggle with this?
What have you found that has helped you?

Coffee with a side of vulnerbility

Just at the beginning of the week I wrote how I struggle with sharing in this space. 

It's not the first time I've struggled with that and more than likely not the last. 

Today though, I feel a strong desire to write some things out 

simply just to put them out there. 

So, let's have a virtual coffee date where I share some pieces of my heart. 

The funny thing about that is, a virtual coffee date seems safer than an actual coffee date. 

You see, these are things I probably wouldn't tell you (or anyone face to face) 

because the words just seem to get stuck in my throat. 

Right now, coffee through the internet seems a bit safer. 

So grab your own cup, listen to my heart, and maybe share some of your own.

If we were having a coffee date these are the things I'd want to tell you...

Last night as I was trying to drift off to sleep, 

I just felt really messy and broken inside. 

I know we're all broken and that only God can take the brokeness and fix it. 

Honestly though, a lot of the time I feel like I'm always going to be broken.

I look at my story and know that God has brought me out of some dark places,

but I still feel a lot of pain from it all. 

I wonder if it's always going to be there 

because it doesn't feel like it's ever going to fully heal. 

At some point in my life I just want my heart to not ache when I think of certain things. 

On Tuesday at our Bible study we were talking about "Our People".
You know the people in your life who you need and who you need you.
Those people who you invest in and share life with.
Those people you know will always be there no matter what.
A lot of the ladies talking seemed to have those types of relationships.
Listening to them talk I had to hold back tears because I don't have that.
I used to have that with my college friends,
but those relationships changed and we're all so spread out.
It made me realize how many people I don't have in my life,
long for friends even more, and left me feeling really lonely.

My relationship with God has also been something I've been having a hard time with.
I wrote about wanting to be intentional with Him, but I've really sucked at it.
I tend to want to be great at something or just give up.
Sometimes with God I feel myself running away even though I know
that does a lot more harm than good.
I've been shoving my feelings down when it comes to all that.
Not just for myself, but when it comes to teaching my kids about Him.
It all seems overwhelming and so instead of just starting, I completely give up.
I need to cling to grace because I know I won't be perfect,
but He's okay with that... I just struggle in believing that.

Motherhood has felt so hard lately.
I seem to get to the end of the days feeling like I just can't do it anymore.
It's too hard and I wonder if other mama's struggle like this.
Do they feel like every single day is hard?
How do they make it through the days?
I wonder about all I'm doing wrong and it feels so suffocating to me.
I wish I just knew that it was this hard for other mamas as well
or is there something wrong with me?

Those are a few of the things I'd tell you if I could get the words out.
They aren't easy to share here, but it does feel good to type the words
out instead of letting them just stir around inside my heart and head.

What's on your heart friends? Anything you'd like to share.

His Grace Covers It All

When my head hits the pillow at the end of the day, I feel it.
When I wake to nurse a sleeping baby, I feel it.
When I rise to get ready for the day and through the day, I feel it.

The mom guilt. The worry.

The nagging questions, "Am I failing my kids? Am I messing them up?"
Am I failing them because we stay home more often than not during the week?
Am I failing them as I slap together another peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Am I failing them because they play a lot by themselves and together?
Am I failing them because I spend too much time on my phone,
cleaning, blogging, or other things?
Am I failing them because we don't go to church?
Am I failing them because we don't do crafts or projects every day?
Am I failing because they watch too much tv?
Am I failing them because the iPad is used far too much?
Am I failing them because I may not send them to school?
Am I failing because I may home school them?
Am I failing them because I yell far too often?
Am I failing them because sometimes spankings come from anger?

The wondering and worries go on and on.
It makes my stomach hurt when I think about it to often,
which is pretty much multiple times a day, every day.
I know some changes need to happen in this house and I'm trying.
As I try to make changes, as I try to better I whisper many prayers.
God, help me not to worry. Help me to put my trust in You.
I know that You have my kids in the palm of your hand
and that you have a future for them.
I know that all things will work out for good.
I know know that you love them far more than me.
Help my heart to know and believe in this God.
That's all I can do. Pray and try and let the rest be covered by His grace.
So thankful His grace covers it all. All of my worry. All of my doubt.

Do you struggle with worry and mom guilt? What helps you?
I hope that if you do you find comfort in this.
In knowing that He's got the future taken care of.
Mine, yours, your kids and whoever, whatever you may worry about.
His grace was there, is there, and always will be.

My biggest fear

I struggle a lot with fear, especially when it comes to my relationship with Christ. 

Even more so when it comes to my children's relationship with Christ. 

Really, they aren't old enough to have a relationship with Him.

They hear me talk about God and see me read my Bible. 

Braden and I pray together at bed time, but I fear that isn't enough. 

I have a deep fear that my children aren't going to come to know Christ.
It's my biggest fear that myself, my husband and my children won't reach Heaven.

If I think about it too much I get panicky and my stomach starts to hurt. 

I want to have a strong relationship with Christ. 

I want my husband and my kid's to have a strong relationship with Him as well. 

I wonder is talking about Him, reading The Word, and praying, is that all enough?
Will they know Him that way? Will they grow in Him that way?
Are those things enough to get us to eternal life with Him? 

A huge part of me fears it isn't...like I should be doing way more to get us there. 

A part of me believes that isn't true, that confessing He is our God is enough. 

That spending time with Him, in His word and in prayer, is enough. 

But a huge part of me believes there's more I'm missing. 

I try to not let the fear get to me, to cling to the truth like above,

but sometimes its so hard. 

Clinging to His words today and letting them sit on my heart. 

Is this a fear you struggle with?
How do you conquer it and not let it eat at you? 

Saying "I DO" again!

Our anniversary was on August 7th. We've been married for three years. 

This year we decided to say our vows in the Catholic Church,

since we didn't get married in the church before.

I think it was a good reminder to us both, about what marriage really is. 

We're to love God and love each other. 

Those are the most important things in marriage. 

I know I need that reminder a lot because I'm not always good at loving. 

Today I wanted to share some of my favorite pictures from that day. 

The one above is clearly from the ceremony, which was super simple. 

We dressed nicely and had a very small amount of family there. 

That was about it. Most of my favorite pictures are after the actual ceremony. 

Enjoy! =)

I love having pictures of special moments in our lives. 

They are super important to me and I'm thankful for a husband who goes along with it even if it's not something he exactly loves! ;)

Pictures taken by Songbird Photography.

What I want to be

I read this quote the other day and ever since it hasn't left my mind. 

It's one of those quotes that I want to inspire and motivate me. 

There is so much I want to be in life, but lots of those things I fail at. 

I go to bed most nights thinking I failed because I didn't do so in so 

or because I acted a certain way towards my husbands and children. 

I'm tired of letting my head hit the pillow and being disappointed in how I've been.

Now, I'm not saying I shouldn't give myself grace. 

I know I can't be perfect, even if I want to. 

I know I'm going to fail. I know I'm going to mess up. 

I'm trying to be okay with that, but being okay with that doesn't mean I can't be better. 

So, who do I want to be? What do I want to be? 

There's a list, of course. 

I want to be kinder to my husband and children. 

I want to have a better relationship with Christ. 

I want to be organized in many areas. 

I'm sure there is more, but I don't want to overwhelm you or myself ;) 

These are the things I want in my heart, but I can't just snap my fingers

and have them be true in my life (oh, how easy that would make things). 

I have to do things in order to be who I want to be. 

When it comes to my husband and kids... 

I have to watch my tongue (I am NOT good at that).

I have the breathe and pray a whole lot!
I have to make a lot of effort because sometimes its tough! 

When it comes to my relationship with Christ...

I have to make the time, which again, I am not very good at. 

But if I want to know Him, if I want to have a strong relationship with Him,

If I want Him to be ever present in my life, then that is what I have to do! 

I have to read His word, pray, and go to church. 

I have to have a relationship with him like I do with others who are important to me. 

I so badly want to be organized. 

I want to have a clean home, a cleaning schedule, a schedule in general and on and on.
This does not come naturally to me even though I desperately wish it did!
I need to work on it... make myself make lists, schedules, clean every day and not just let things pile up.

There's so much I want to be, but the only way to be is by doing.
I'm not going to just get anywhere sitting on my tush! =)

I know we all have things we want to be, things we want to change. 

It takes motivation, time and a lot of work. 

But I can be who I want to be if I take steps to be so, 

but more importantly if I go to Him and ask for His help. 

That's the real way to change from the inside out!

That's what I really want, my heart to be different! 

Discovering Soul Care

There are books I've read that I know I will come back to. 

This book, Discovering Soul Care by Mindy Caliguire is one. 

I started reading this book with my Bible study girls and it is just what I've needed! 

It's refreshing and has much wisdom about taking care of one's soul.

As I started reading this book a realization came over me. 

I don't take care of my soul, not even close to the way I need to. 

Part of this book that has really stuck with me...

Was when we took a look at symptoms of soul neglect and symptoms of soul care. 

Lately, I've felt shame, anger, exhaustion, desperate, panic, insecurity and a lot of other ugly things. 

Those things are symptoms of soul neglect and makes total sense to me.

If I am not taking care of my soul, 

Not connecting with God, the One who created me, 

How could I not feel those things? 

But the good thing is I don't have to feel that way! 

I can have peace, love, joy, compassion and so on. 

I just have to sit, really sit and connect with God. 

I need to change my schedule in order to do so, which I plan on doing. 

Taking care of my soul isn't really an option.

That's what I've learned while reading this great book!

If I want to live the way God wants me to,

If I want to be who He wants me to be, I MUST take care of my soul! 

You should really read this! Maybe it will make you realize a thing or two about your soul!

Here are some quotes incase you need more persuading! 

"When you're living a life of vibrant intimacy with God, in fact, you cannot stop the power of God from working through you."

"The reality is, many of us, long ago gave up hope that we could actually become someone new.

The invitation to hope again reawakens the reality of that pain, of that awareness of all that is not as it should or could be. We are not what we could be, and it hurts." 

"We can rest of heads on the pillow at night and lovingly whisper, "God, you have my heart.

I'm as surrendered as I know to be. There may be a new area for us to work on when I wake up

tomorrow, but you have my heart." Truth and surrender are in concert with one another." 

Good, isn't it? ;)

Perfection and Grace

I've realized lately that I struggle with perfection.
I'm sure it doesn't seem that way,
not if you look around me, but it's rooted in my heart.
(I'm sure you may even be able to see that in my words, here).
I want to be perfect, but I'm not. Not even close.
I struggle with this and it makes my heart ache.

I want to be good at everything and since I'm not I often feel like a failure.
I've somehow come to believe that if I'm not perfect at every thing then I am not good enough.

The apartment has to be spick and span with everything in it's place or I have failed.
I constantly have to be doing things with the kids or I have failed.
I must be nicely dressed with my hair and make-up done or I have failed.
I can't eat junk for or I have failed.
I can never be upset with anyone or I have failed.
Really, the list goes on and on.

I didn't realize until recently how much this lie,
that I must be perfect, has overtaken my life.
It am constantly feeling like a failure because those things don't always happen.
I'm tired of these thoughts running my life and making me feel bad about myself.

I need to work on giving myself grace.
It's daily struggle because it's something I just can't get my mind around.
I just have to remind myself that it's okay... I'm okay.
It is not a big deal that the apartment is a bit messy,
That I take a break and am not always doing things with the kids,
That I wear yoga pants and have hair in a pony tail,
That I ate way too much trail mix.
All those things are okay and I need to tell myself that.
God doesn't call us to perfection, He calls us to give grace.
Even to ourselves.

I need to remember this. I hope you remember it too because grace can be so hard!

Where's the line?

I didn't plan on writing a post today, but there's something bothering my heart.
I'm writing for wisdom, for thoughts of others, as long as they are kind!
I, in no way mean to offend anyone, or put others down, so please remember that.

Lately, whenever I log into my personal facebook I see ugly status' staring at me.
Ones, that don't just disagree with my faith, but flat-out put it down.
I see words like, "I don't care what you're Bible says..."
And "...the only thing that resurrected today was my taste for video streaming online..." Or words about how Easter really isn't about Christ, but really has always been about sex/fertility.

To some, it may seem silly to get upset by these things.
My heart, however, is sensitive to these things.
I get frustrated and angry.
I've responded a time or two, trying to just have a conversation,
trying to just explain Jesus.
However, nothing changes and I still come across these posts.
Lately I've been just hiding them from my newsfeed, but I am just sick of seeing them.

My question is at what point do you stop putting up with your faith being attacked?
At what point to you delete those people, so your heart doesn't have to see it?
I'm torn between protecting my own heart and letting them see Jesus through me.
There's a line? There's a balance, isn't there?

One Thing

Today readers, I want to say one thing.
It comes from being a woman of God and something I feel strongly about.
It's a simple thing... but the world tries to make us believe otherwise.
I want to tell you that in this crazy, ever-changing world...
IT'S OKAY TO STAND BY YOUR BELIEFS.

It's okay to say that you believe what you read in The Word.
It's okay to put the truth out there.
It's okay that you don't give into what other's believe simply because of their response.
It's okay that you hold tight to what you know is the truth. To not budge.
It's okay to say that something is wrong because He says it is.
Or something is right because He says it is.
It's okay that you live fully for Him.
Actually, I think it's more than okay.
If your beliefs are what you know is the truth He is telling you, then you should hold tight to them.
He wants you to. He wants you to be the light, He wants you to show the truth.

I hope you find the strength to do that.
The truth is, at least to me, is that I'm not going to change anyone's mind and no one will change mine.
I accept that and that other's have their beliefs that they will hold tight to as well.
I hold tight to my beliefs, but I do it in love.
I am not going to be hateful, mean, or rude.
I'm not going to tear another down because we disagree.
I'll disagree respectfully and love them still.
Because you can disagree and still love, you can believe something different without judging.

So, hold tight to the word of God and what He tells you.
But love because He tells us that if we don't love, then we have nothing.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On that note... be nice, be loving, be kind.
You may not agree with me whatsoever, but please be respectful in your responses.
Mean and hurtful responses to me or anyone on my blog will not be tolerated. 
Thank you! =) 

Time to wrestle with Him

My heart hurt. It felt broken, crushed, but more than anything it felt angry.
I'd never felt so angry before. It consumed me. It was all I could think about.
I'd come home from work and I'd crawl into bed with my journal.
The tears, they'd fall almost instantly and they wouldn't stop.
I'd cry for hours, pleading with God to not make this all true.
I'd scribble in my journals angry words to God...
This can't be happening,
I don't deserve this,
Curse words, hate, bitterness, resentment, really ugly thoughts.
That whole summer my heart + mind were only on those things.
It was the worst time in my life,
but it was also the one time in my life that I felt the closest to God.

I refer to that summer as the summer from hell.
I've never been so angry in my life - not before and so far not yet.
I hope not ever again.
I do miss one thing though, from that time, and it is going to God with my heartache.
I'd never gone to God like that before and haven't really since then.
That needs to change. I know that, deep in my heart and soul.
There is always something to wrestle with God about.
Maybe it's...
Anger,
Unforgiveness,
Guilt,
Shame,
Heartache.
Maybe it has to do with...
Your past,
Future,
Marriage,
Children,
Loss,
Sin.
I've dealt with all these things in my life, like most people.
And it's time to wrestle with God about somethings.

A lot of things in my life need to change.
I believe, though, for me, that change starts when I go to Him and offer my heart.
Next week I'm going to aim to start getting up at 6:30...
And spending time with Him before the kids wake.
This will be extremely tough for me because honestly, I'm exhausted,
But I need this time with Him.
I need to wrestle with Him.
I need to find my strength and rest in Him!

Be the person I want them to be

I catch myself day dreaming, at times, about the future.

A lot of the time the future of my children.

Who will they be? What will they love? 

I wonder what personality traits they'll have from me and what they'll have from their daddy. 

I imagine them to be a certain way, to be certain people. 

My heart hopes for it. Desperately wants it.

I want them to be compassionate. 

To care for people in such a way that when others hurt, they hurt right along with them. 

To be a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen. 

To pray for others and want the best for people. 

I want them to be kind to everyone they meet and be a good friend.

I want them to love their neighbor and be forgiving. 

I want them to have faith. Faith that can move mountains. 

Faith that no matter what happens, is still there. 

I want them to believe without a doubt that God is there and that He died for them.

 I want them to know that regardless of their sin, God loves them and He always will. 

That His love is all they need. 

I want them to read the Bible and know the wisdom that can be found there. 

I want them to cry out to God. I want them to know grace and give grace. 

I want them to listen to God and do what He tells them. 

I want them to have a relationship with Him.

To know that its the most important relationship they can ever have. 

I want them to grow in that, to never stop knowing Him, 

to never stop being faithful to the One who has been faithful to them.

I want them to know that they are loved. 

That no matter what they do, no matter who they are, they are loved by their parents. 

I want them to know that they mean the world to me, that making me a mama was the best thing. I want them to know that they will always be enough, the will always be precious and important. 

I want them to be honest. With themselves and others. I want them to never be afraid of being who they truly are. I want them to be true to themselves and never let anyone make them feel as if they shouldn't be. 

I want them to have goals and passions. 

I want them to persure their dreams and not let anything hold them back. 

I want them to want to learn, to know that they are capable of doing whatever they want in life. 

I want them to never give up. 

I want them to be happy and full of joy. 

To not think that, that comes from having things or being a certain way, 

But to know that those things... real joy, real happiness, comes from God. 

I want them to be so much. 

I'm realizing thought that they aren't magically going to become these people in the future. 

The work for them to become those people starts now. And it starts with James and I. 

Now, is the time for us to shape their little hearts and minds. 

In all honestly that scares me...

Because I know in order for them to be the people I want them to be, 

they need to see these things in us as their parents. 

And sometimes these things aren't present in our lives or not as they should be. 

So I'm trying to work on these things because my children need to see them. 

I'm working on being kinder, loving, honest, joyful and having a better relationship with Jesus. 

I hope my kids see it and grasp it tight. 

Giving Grace

I've realized something lately.
I'm awful at giving grace. I expect to get it myself, but I'm not great at giving it.
I'm not good at giving it to my husband, children, other family members, friends,
or even others in the blogging world.
It's something I'm trying to work on, for the good of everyone.

I'm trying to work on my words and my actions, even my thoughts.
I'm holding my tongue a lot more and reflecting on my feelings.
I've always been one to let my feelings get the best of me.
That is not always a good thing.
I overreact a lot and that's when grace isn't given.

I want to be kinder, more loving, and gentle.
I want to give a whole lot more grace.
God said that His grace is sufficient for me.
If its sufficient for me, then its sufficient for everyone.
I need to give more of it.
It's hard, but I'm asking God to help me.

Is this hard for you?
Are there certain people that you struggle giving grace to?
Or maybe even to yourself?
That can be really tough for me as well!

A lie I've believed

There's something that's been on my heart lately when it comes to blogging.
I write these words not just for myself, but for others as well.
Just I case someone can relate, just incase someone is struggling with the same thing.

There's a lie that I've boughten into when it comes to blogging.
The lie is that I'm not good enough.
I, at times, especially lately have felt that way.
I'm not good enough because I don't have as many followers as her
Or my blog doesn't look professional enough.
I struggle with feeling ordinary and boring.
I've caught myself thinking that a lot lately.
I must be boring because I don't have as many blogging friends as her,
I don't go to all these events,
Or I don't have all these neat topics to write about.
I'm not as good as her because I don't have a professional taking my pictures
or I can't go buy new clothes or the newest gadget whenever my heart desires.
Lies, lies, lies!

I don't know how I came to believe this.
I think it's been building up for a while now,
because the truth is when I started blogging I didn't even care about those things,
at least not the way I seem to now!
Blogging, for me, was never about those things.
It was about writing for me and my family.
It was about keeping an online journal of the life I live and if people wanted to read it, great!
If not, that's fine because this is my life and regardless of what others think of my life, I love it!

More importantly than others thinking I'm enough, Go does!
I know that God loves me.
To Him, I am important, beautiful, and more than enough.
I struggle with feeling at peace in the blogging world and here in this space.
I'm asking Him right now to give me peace here...
with what I have in my life and with my words.
Because peace from God and being thankful for what I have is what really matters to me.

If you struggle with this, please read these words and hold onto them.
You are enough to God. He is the only one you need to please.
Remember that and hold tight to it, friends!

Change My Heart

This morning I did my normal routine. 

Fed the kids, changed them, turned on cartoons for them to watch...

And then sat down to have my coffee, which I look forward to every single day. 

As I sat, thinking about my ever ending to do list 

(which really is clean the apartment, every single day) 

And what to blog about, I had a sick feeling not only in my stomach, but my heart. 

I knew what it was, as I often do, but this time I couldn't shake it. 

It overwhelmed me. My heart felt heavy. 

It was God reminding me that I need Him, that I can't live this life without Him. 

He was telling me that something needs to change. 

I knew He was right, so I picked up my Kindle...

And opened my Bible app to my latest She Reads Truth Plan. 

The first thing that stuck out to me this morning was a verse from Hebrews.
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart." Chapter 10: Verse 11.
Really, as I'm typing this post, I could cry.
Here God is telling me to come to Him with a sincere heart.
He isn't saying just come... just read my word and then go on with your day. Be sincere.
That part hit me hard, square in the gut because honestly, even when I do go to Him...
(which isn't as often as it should be),
it's rushed, so rushed that I'm usually unsure about what I've read and I still feel empty.
I feel no closer to God, unloved, unsaved, and like a huge giant mess of a person.
I kept on reading because I know I needed to. I didn't need just one verse, I needed more.

So, I read more words about Him and all He does for me.
He restores and redeems. He picks me up when I fall away!
He's my God and He is here with me.
All things I needed to hear, to be reminded of.

As I read more, I knew that something needed to change.
I wrote that out to Him... I told Him that I know He's right, that I do, need Him. So much!
It's not just about coming to Him, mindlessly reading His word, or mumbling a short prayer.
For me, that's not what it's about... it's about a heart change, a drastic one...
Because that is what my heart needs.

My heart needs to want to know Him more.
It needs to want to be closer to Him.
To read the word more and be in it, to pray prayers down on my knees.
I need Him to show Himself to me in a new light.
And not because who I know isn't enough,
but because everything in life has made it so I don't see.
So much is in the way.

Things need to drastically change on the inside,
but for me, I know that means things also need to change on the outside.
I need to be in the word because when I'm not I literally feel sick.
Life feels a whole lot messier than it actually is (Go figure),
And I lose my patience, love, kindness, understanding,
And so much more when I'm not in the word.
It means that other things have to wait, they need to.
That means the dirty dishes, the piles of laundry, my blog,
social media in general, and a whole lot more need to wait!
And I need to go to Him more. I need to ask Him for help more.
I need to ask Him...
"God, how do you want me to parent?"
"God, how can I love my husband more?"
"God, what should I do about this?"
"God, this is how I feel... this is my struggle..."
These things must change, these things must be asked.
That's what He told me today.

In all honesty, time with God is hard for me.
It's always been a struggle, which is why today I am saying,
"Lord, please change my heart in a drastic way. Only You can."

_______________________________________________________________
I know I'm not the only one out there with this struggle.
Do you struggle with this? Or have you?
What do you do to stay connected to God? To the word?
Tell me. Maybe it will help me out! =)

To Other Mamas

Being a mama is a lot of work.
More work than I've ever done in my life. Constant work.
While it's brought me the most joy in my life, it can also be so hard.
There are times of tears - whether its because my babies just won't stop crying or fit throwing,
Or because I had to discipline the toddler and it broke my heart,
Or because something simply scares me about raising children in this world.

There are times that when it is hard, I reach out on the internet.
It may be on facebook, or twitter, or even here on my blog. I write it out.
I don't do this to put down motherhood or my babies.
I don't do it to show how awful moments are.
My real reason is that I want to feel so not alone during the hard moments.
I want someone to relate to me. I want someone to tell me it's going to be okay!

Often, when I give a glimpse into the life of my two year old, I get negative responses.
I may say something like, "Braden just will not listen to me today!"
The responses I've gotten are:
"Oh, just wait until he is three!"
"Just to warn you three is much worse!"
I usually respond by saying something like, "That's not encouraging!"
Or I simply ignore it because it is not uplifting!

I do not find this to be a good thing whatsoever!
I find this very discouraging and harmful to me!
I'm here to tell you something mama, I'm not here to tell you that motherhood is rough.
We know this... it's not something new.

But I'm here to tell you to ignore those negative comments.
Ignore them because they have the potential to sit in your heart.
They have the potential to make you dread the moments, days, months, years to come!
I don't want that for myself or for any other mama!
Ignore them and know that, while some moments are rough, motherhood is a beautiful thing!
Know that everything will be okay.
You got this mama! You're children will be okay! You'll be okay!
Because motherhood was meant to be one of the most beautiful things...
And when it doesn't feel that way, or look that way, you've got the Lord to carry you through!

I've been the mama

I'm currently reading the book Desperate and absolutely loving it.

It is exactly what I've needed to feel uplifted and encouraged. 

I started reading this yesterday and found myself able to relate right away. 

It has been so nice to read the words of other mamas and not feel so darn alone.

I couldn't believe what I was reading, I so often felt like I couldn't have written the words myself.

As I read more tears kept on welling up in my eyes, realizing that I'm not the only one who finds motherhood to be so incredibly hard. 

Are you feeling alone as a mama? Do you feel like you're the only one that struggles with it?

Read on, dear friend, and maybe you can see some of yourself in my words. 

The mama I have want to be and the mama I often am are so different...

I've been that mama who wanted to pull the covers over her head and never come out.

I've been that mama who has thought, "I cannot be a mama today."

I've been that mama who has just been too tired. 

I've been the mama who thought being a mama was all about perfection.

I've been that mama who thought I had to be put together all the time, along with my home.

I've been that mama who has yelled at her kids more in one day than I want to admit.

I've been that mama who has gone and sat in her closet, hands over her ears, just to escape the crying. 

I've been that mama who spanked out of anger.

I've been that mama who has failed at discipling because I just didn't know how and sometimes didn't want to.

I've been that mama who hasn't loved enough. 

I've been the mama who hasn't taken time for herself, her husband, or friends.

I've been that mama who has screamed at the top of her lungs, "STOP IT!" because I was frustrated with my toddlers lack of obedience.

I've been that mama whose let my child watch way too much tv.

I've been that mama who has let my child eat a horrible lunch because I just wanted him to eat something.

I've been that mama who has said things she shouldn't have.

I've been that mama who hasn't hugged her babies, kissed her babies, nearly as much as I should.

I've been that mama who has wanted to run away.

I've been the mama who hasn't tried to listen or understand enough.

I've been that mama who is afraid, so afraid of messing up her kids.

I've been that mama who has felt depressed and alone. 

I've been the mama who hasn't prayed enough. 

I've been that mama who hasn't felt good enough to be a mama.

I've been a mama who has been desperate

I have been that mama and will still be that mama at times. 

There is grace for that...

And I am a mama who is thankful for that. 

If you feel like me, mama, know you're not alone. 

Know that there are other mama's just like you that get it,

But know more importantly, there is a God who can (and wants) to carry you through motherhood.

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Want to have another mama to talk to?
I know its hard to find that for some.
I'm hear if you need anything, just reach out.

God, Family, and Blogging

I've been struggling with blogging lately. 

I used to blog almost daily, but then I had a newborn + a toddler.

Most of the time it just wasn't possible.

There have been times when I've really missed blogging,

But other times when I've seriously thought about giving it up. 

A while ago I wrote about being addicted to the internet 

And how I feel felt like it took away from things.

I felt like it took away from my time with God, 

focusing on my children and husband, and the apartment. 

That's what the internet does and I feel like for me, it always will be an issue. 

Later I wrote about being on the computer less and I was.

Was I perfect? No. Was I where I wanted to be? No. But it was better.

That's why I've thought about giving up blogging + the guilt.

Part of me feels like I've abandoned my blog & blogging friends.

I don't post as often as I would like or as much as I feel I should. 

I rarely get to read other blogs and if I do, I rarely have time to leave comments.

I hardly ever respond to comments left on my blog. I feel so bad about that!

I tell myself I'll get better, I want to get better!
There never seems to be enough time or coffee! ;) 

I struggle with these feelings, but I also know that life isn't about blogging. 

Life is about living for God and doing what He places on my heart to do. 

There's a lot to learn from God and I am trying to get back to a good place with Him.

Life is about Him and my family.
That's what I'm trying to focus on.

All this to say I'm sorry I haven't been around much.

I'm sorry I don't post often or read your blogs the way I have before!

Gosh, I sure miss reading blogs!

I'm sorry for not commenting or responding to your nice words.

Please know they mean much and warm my heart! They make my day!

Having a newborn

Picture taken by Songbird Photography

Having a baby the second time around is so different than the first. 

I remember being terrified of not only having Braden, but bringing him home.

I was scared I wasn't going to know how to provide for him. 

I was afraid he was going to get hurt or stop breathing in his sleep. 

I asked, "is this normal?" a lot. I called his doctor often. 

This time, with Maeva, it is so different. 

I wasn't scared of having her or bringing her home.

I knew that I was capable of taking care of her.

I wasn't afraid she was going to get hurt.

I know a bit more of what is normal.

Its still hard though. That's the one that isn't any different. 

My days are so full. Much more full than when it was just Braden and I at home. 

My days are full of feedings, diaper changes, and a baby in my arms. 

The days are full of a toddler pulling on my hand because...

He wants me to come with him and give him my attention, of him talking and talking. 

I thought it was hard to get anything done before, but now, it seems nearly impossible! 

Then, its hard because of other things...

I forgot about the newborn cry and how hard it can be to handle sometimes.

I forgot that sometimes no matter what you do... they still cry... 

It breaks my heart to hear sweet Maeva cry and to not be able to figure out why. 

I forgot how much sleep you lose, but I know I'm getting less now because now I have two. 

Yet, even though its tough and tiring, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I am so blessed that God has given me two babies to take care of.

I know He's there with me every step of the way, helping me through motherhood. 

All that matters is Him and them

Today I want to write about something that has been on my heart for a while. I've been meaning to write it out, but for some reason, just haven't. I guess maybe because I'm a bit embarrassed by the truth, Or I don't want others to feel like I'm judging them. 

Blogging has changed for me. I mean, its still about writing things out, still about sharing my heart. 

There's one area I've noticed a change in...And its wanting. Wanting more things. I read a ton of blogs, so many that I cannot keep up with them all. I read lots of posts that are heartfelt, inspiring, encouraging, uplifting, but I also read posts about fashion, products, books, blog conferences. 

And those posts... they leave me wanting things. 

I hate that. I'm embarrassed by that. 

I read blogs and at times come away wanting things I didn't know I wanted until I read that post. 

I get on twitter and see tweets about things people just bought or want. 

I see the same on pinterest and even facebook at times. 

And all those posts leave me wanting more than I have. 

They leave me feeling ungrateful for what I do have. 

They leave me wishing I had more money.
At times it causes me to spend more than I should.

I hate that. I cringe at that. 

I guess its one of the reasons I haven't been keeping up with blogs as much as I used to.
I don't get on blogger to read blogs the way I used to. 

Because I don't want to be ungrateful. Because I don't need more. 

Because I don't need to spend money that we don't have. 

Because I just don't like the feeling of wanting. 

Because things really don't matter. 

The bank account may never be huge and I'm okay with that because money isn't really what matters. 

What matters most is God and my family. 

Really I don't need anything more than that.

Give me Jesus and give me my husband and babies and all is right in the world.

That's all I want, that's all I need.

Is this a struggle for anyone else? How do you deal with it, if it is?