Coffee with a side of vulnerbility

Just at the beginning of the week I wrote how I struggle with sharing in this space. 

It's not the first time I've struggled with that and more than likely not the last. 

Today though, I feel a strong desire to write some things out 

simply just to put them out there. 

So, let's have a virtual coffee date where I share some pieces of my heart. 

The funny thing about that is, a virtual coffee date seems safer than an actual coffee date. 

You see, these are things I probably wouldn't tell you (or anyone face to face) 

because the words just seem to get stuck in my throat. 

Right now, coffee through the internet seems a bit safer. 

So grab your own cup, listen to my heart, and maybe share some of your own.

If we were having a coffee date these are the things I'd want to tell you...

Last night as I was trying to drift off to sleep, 

I just felt really messy and broken inside. 

I know we're all broken and that only God can take the brokeness and fix it. 

Honestly though, a lot of the time I feel like I'm always going to be broken.

I look at my story and know that God has brought me out of some dark places,

but I still feel a lot of pain from it all. 

I wonder if it's always going to be there 

because it doesn't feel like it's ever going to fully heal. 

At some point in my life I just want my heart to not ache when I think of certain things. 

On Tuesday at our Bible study we were talking about "Our People".
You know the people in your life who you need and who you need you.
Those people who you invest in and share life with.
Those people you know will always be there no matter what.
A lot of the ladies talking seemed to have those types of relationships.
Listening to them talk I had to hold back tears because I don't have that.
I used to have that with my college friends,
but those relationships changed and we're all so spread out.
It made me realize how many people I don't have in my life,
long for friends even more, and left me feeling really lonely.

My relationship with God has also been something I've been having a hard time with.
I wrote about wanting to be intentional with Him, but I've really sucked at it.
I tend to want to be great at something or just give up.
Sometimes with God I feel myself running away even though I know
that does a lot more harm than good.
I've been shoving my feelings down when it comes to all that.
Not just for myself, but when it comes to teaching my kids about Him.
It all seems overwhelming and so instead of just starting, I completely give up.
I need to cling to grace because I know I won't be perfect,
but He's okay with that... I just struggle in believing that.

Motherhood has felt so hard lately.
I seem to get to the end of the days feeling like I just can't do it anymore.
It's too hard and I wonder if other mama's struggle like this.
Do they feel like every single day is hard?
How do they make it through the days?
I wonder about all I'm doing wrong and it feels so suffocating to me.
I wish I just knew that it was this hard for other mamas as well
or is there something wrong with me?

Those are a few of the things I'd tell you if I could get the words out.
They aren't easy to share here, but it does feel good to type the words
out instead of letting them just stir around inside my heart and head.

What's on your heart friends? Anything you'd like to share.

The road that led me to this beautiful life

I'm a big believer in the saying, "Everything happens for a reason."
I just can't believe otherwise.
I may not know why certain things happened in my life.
I may never know, but I just have to believe that...
Every place I've been,
Every step I've taken,
Every choice I've made,
Every thing in my life has happened for a reason, has had meaning in it.

There have been many things in my life that have changed me.
I've struggled with depression and causing harm to myself.
I've been in an abusive relationship.
Those are two of the hard things, the things that are still hard to deal with.
But there's good things in my life too.
One thing that's been really life changing for me is becoming a Christian.
Other things have been meeting my husband and having babies.
Those things have changed my life so much.
Some in ways I wish they hadn't.
Some in ways I'm glad they did.
But you know what?
I wouldn't say they are the biggest thing that changed my life.
I would say, however, that my parents getting divorced when I was about two years old did.

My dad and I on my wedding day.

My mom and I. 

Maybe that sounds silly to read because all those things I listed before, 

the good and the bad, they were so life changing. 

However, I'd say my parents getting divorced is the biggest life changing moment

because it led me down the road to all those other moments. 

If my parents wouldn't have gotten divorced...

Maybe I wouldn't have struggled with depression or maybe I would have,

but I know it was part of the reason I did struggle with that. 

Maybe I would have thought better of myself

and not put up with the crap some of the guys I dated.

Maybe I wouldn't have a relationship with Jesus. 

Maybe I wouldn't have gone to Tabor and maybe it wouldn't have been so hard.

Maybe I wouldn't have the friends I do have.

Maybe my life would have been worse than it has been.

Maybe I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband or had three beautiful kids.

Maybe my life wouldn't be what it is. 

I used to struggle so much with my parents being divorced. 

I think it caused me to make a lot of the choices I did. 

I know it caused me to be angry with my dad for a long time. 

I know it also was the reason I ended up in bad relationships

because I just didn't know any better.

You know what though? I'm not bitter about it. A lot of it still hurts. 

My relationship with my dad is rough.

My past relationships can still affect me life. 

But I don't regret the road I've been on, 

the road that started when my parents got divorced, 

because I fully believe it led me to this life I live now and it's a beautiful one. 

My good looking husband and I on our wedding day! 

I'm linking up with a fresh start on a budget for the April blogging challenge.

A part of my story

This week is suicide prevention week and I came across this post from Jill.
I admire for her vulnerability and honesty.
Its not always easy to be those things, especially when it comes to something so personal.
I appreciated this post because I could relate.
I love reading posts that I have a connection to because it makes me feel less alone.
That's one of the reasons I love the blogging community so much.
They make you feel less alone and less crazy.
So, if you've ever struggled with depression
or suicide or had thoughts of hurting yourself, please go read.

Here's my story...

^^^Me, in one my last years of college^^^

I remember the first time I wanted to die, the first time I cut myself.
I was in 6th grade and overwhelmed with anger towards my dad,
missing a brother I never really got to know, grieving a friend who had died.

I remember being 15 and having my heart broken by a boy I never should have been with.
Sitting in my bed and just starring at the wall...
thinking there was no way I was going to get through this pain.
That's when it really started because I felt like I was drowning and suffocating at the same time.

I remember 7th grade and finally having enough, reaching out to a friend.
The same day my mom found out and I was rushed to counseling.
Many years of counseling and not much help.
I remember praying to God asking Him to just let me die in my sleep.

I remember college and how things only got worse from there.
My heart got more destroyed and broken in those years than it ever has.
I'd skip class, sleep, and cry in my dorm room.
I'd sit in the bathroom with the razor blade.
I'd never wanted to die more than I had wanted to those years.
I'd spent much time journaling my heartache to God.

These are just glimpses of it really.
I'm not sure my words can really describe those years and all that pain.
Really, only if I handed you my journal, but those are such private words.
I worked hard to overcome the pain, to overcome the desire to cut myself.
The truth though, it's still a struggle.
When I'm overwhelmed with life when its hard...
When I feel worthless and life feels hopeless...
When the past hits me out of nowhere...
When I feel like a horrible mom and wife...
Its still a struggle.
Just because I overcome it, doesn't mean I've fully overcome it.
For me, I can only overcome it a moment at a time.
I think that's the way it is with lots of struggles in life.
In the hard moments, I have to to give it to God.
I have to cry and pray to Him.
Lots and lots of that.
It's the only way I overcome it time and time again.
Without God I wouldn't be able to.
It is still hard, still painful with Him but He is the only one who can really carry me through.

I'm linking up with a fresh start on a budget for the September blogging challenge.

Comparison

Lately there's something that's been bothering my heart, 

something that's been stealing my joy and making me less confident. 

It's comparison to others around me. It's really been pulling me down. 

I think we all do this, especially as women. It's such an easy thing to do. 

I've been comparing lots lately. 

That women looks better pregnant than me. She's still so tiny and dressed cute. 

That woman lost the baby weight so quickly. That will NEVER happen to me. 

That woman has such cute clothes. I wish I could buy that (like I actually need more).

That woman is such a good mom. Her kids are perfect and don't act insane. 

That woman's house is decorated so great. I wish I was good at that! 

That woman goes on so many adventures and gets to see so many neat things. 

On and on and on... 

I seriously hate that list. 

I hate that those things seem so important to me. 

Because really, in the bigger picture, those things aren't that important. 

Those things, they don't define life and they shouldn't.

I don't want to struggle with comparison. 

All I want is to be thankful. 

I'm thankful I'm pregnant regardless of how much weight I may gain. 

I am thankful for the clothes I do have because come on, I have more than enough! 

I am thankful for my children. They really are great kids and no one is perfect. 

I am thankful for our new home. It may not be fully unpacked or decorated, but it will be.

I am thankful for the places I have been because really, I've seen some great things! 

I know this is a heart issue for me. 

I just feel bad about myself at times. 

I really need to give it to God and be thankful.

Do you struggle with this? How have you dealt with it? 

Happy Wednesday! 

An honest struggle with my weight

I've had this post in the back of my mind for a while now.
However, I've been avoiding it because I'm insecure and anxious.
I know people have wanted me to share and it's good for me to do so.
Please be kind as you read about my honest struggles with my weight.

This is me in college, my junior year I believe.
This is me 110 pounds.
This is me perfectly content with my weight, not having to worry about it at all.
This is the way I wish I looked now.
That's the truth even though I know it wouldn't be for the best.

I'm not 110 pounds, not even close.
Looking at this picture of myself I know I was tiny.
I know looking back through other pictures there were times where I was too thin,
times where I looked ill,
and moments where people questioned what I did with my food after I ate it.

I know in my head that being that thin wouldn't be good for me.
My heart however doesn't agree.
My heart longs to be thin,
to not have to worry about it every single day,
to not cry because my clothes don't fit.
My heart tells me that it rather look like a teenage girl than a woman.
I rather not have thighs, hips, or boobs.
My heart tells me that in order to be that way I should just stop eating.
I hate that I have these thoughts...
especially that last one because I know it could cause damage.
But I want to be honest here, it's good for me to be, and that thought, it is so ever present.

It's so hard struggling with this when I never had to before.
I think that's one of the biggest struggles when it comes to this.
I went from looking like a child, to pregnant, to having the body of a woman.
I'm not used to it and that makes it painful so often.

My weight is a daily battle.
I hate getting dressed in the morning because nothing fits the way I feel it should.
I see myself in the wrong light.
I look at myself and think I'm fat.
I look at myself and am disgusted.
It's not an easy battle and it takes work. A lot of work.
I do better some days than others.

I'm trying to eat better.
More veggies and fruit, less junk.
It's hard for me because I'm a huge emotional eater.
Kids screaming? Give me some oreos!
Stressed about the house? Give me some ice cream!
Upset about my weight? Chocolate please!
Seriously, it's bad and I know I need to work on it even more.
Like I said, some days are better.
The ItWorks wraps are also helping me feel better.
If you haven't heard of them, you should totally check them out!
They tighten, tone, and firm.
Here are my results so far!

Super hard for me to share these pictures, but the wraps have helped me a lot. 

I still have a ways to go, but every time I wear a wrap I feel a bit better. 

I usually wear one wrap over night (you can do it every 72 hours) and then chug water the next day.

I've noticed a huge difference and am so thankful for these wraps! 

They have definitely motivated me and I can't wait to get to the end result. 

I know this struggle isn't going to go away overnight.
It is a daily battle, but I can do better with that.

I can treat my body and myself better.

Have you tried the wraps? What do you think about them? 

Hope your Tuesday is great!

Perfection and Grace

I've realized lately that I struggle with perfection.
I'm sure it doesn't seem that way,
not if you look around me, but it's rooted in my heart.
(I'm sure you may even be able to see that in my words, here).
I want to be perfect, but I'm not. Not even close.
I struggle with this and it makes my heart ache.

I want to be good at everything and since I'm not I often feel like a failure.
I've somehow come to believe that if I'm not perfect at every thing then I am not good enough.

The apartment has to be spick and span with everything in it's place or I have failed.
I constantly have to be doing things with the kids or I have failed.
I must be nicely dressed with my hair and make-up done or I have failed.
I can't eat junk for or I have failed.
I can never be upset with anyone or I have failed.
Really, the list goes on and on.

I didn't realize until recently how much this lie,
that I must be perfect, has overtaken my life.
It am constantly feeling like a failure because those things don't always happen.
I'm tired of these thoughts running my life and making me feel bad about myself.

I need to work on giving myself grace.
It's daily struggle because it's something I just can't get my mind around.
I just have to remind myself that it's okay... I'm okay.
It is not a big deal that the apartment is a bit messy,
That I take a break and am not always doing things with the kids,
That I wear yoga pants and have hair in a pony tail,
That I ate way too much trail mix.
All those things are okay and I need to tell myself that.
God doesn't call us to perfection, He calls us to give grace.
Even to ourselves.

I need to remember this. I hope you remember it too because grace can be so hard!

Where's the line?

I didn't plan on writing a post today, but there's something bothering my heart.
I'm writing for wisdom, for thoughts of others, as long as they are kind!
I, in no way mean to offend anyone, or put others down, so please remember that.

Lately, whenever I log into my personal facebook I see ugly status' staring at me.
Ones, that don't just disagree with my faith, but flat-out put it down.
I see words like, "I don't care what you're Bible says..."
And "...the only thing that resurrected today was my taste for video streaming online..." Or words about how Easter really isn't about Christ, but really has always been about sex/fertility.

To some, it may seem silly to get upset by these things.
My heart, however, is sensitive to these things.
I get frustrated and angry.
I've responded a time or two, trying to just have a conversation,
trying to just explain Jesus.
However, nothing changes and I still come across these posts.
Lately I've been just hiding them from my newsfeed, but I am just sick of seeing them.

My question is at what point do you stop putting up with your faith being attacked?
At what point to you delete those people, so your heart doesn't have to see it?
I'm torn between protecting my own heart and letting them see Jesus through me.
There's a line? There's a balance, isn't there?

I've been the mama

I'm currently reading the book Desperate and absolutely loving it.

It is exactly what I've needed to feel uplifted and encouraged. 

I started reading this yesterday and found myself able to relate right away. 

It has been so nice to read the words of other mamas and not feel so darn alone.

I couldn't believe what I was reading, I so often felt like I couldn't have written the words myself.

As I read more tears kept on welling up in my eyes, realizing that I'm not the only one who finds motherhood to be so incredibly hard. 

Are you feeling alone as a mama? Do you feel like you're the only one that struggles with it?

Read on, dear friend, and maybe you can see some of yourself in my words. 

The mama I have want to be and the mama I often am are so different...

I've been that mama who wanted to pull the covers over her head and never come out.

I've been that mama who has thought, "I cannot be a mama today."

I've been that mama who has just been too tired. 

I've been the mama who thought being a mama was all about perfection.

I've been that mama who thought I had to be put together all the time, along with my home.

I've been that mama who has yelled at her kids more in one day than I want to admit.

I've been that mama who has gone and sat in her closet, hands over her ears, just to escape the crying. 

I've been that mama who spanked out of anger.

I've been that mama who has failed at discipling because I just didn't know how and sometimes didn't want to.

I've been that mama who hasn't loved enough. 

I've been the mama who hasn't taken time for herself, her husband, or friends.

I've been that mama who has screamed at the top of her lungs, "STOP IT!" because I was frustrated with my toddlers lack of obedience.

I've been that mama whose let my child watch way too much tv.

I've been that mama who has let my child eat a horrible lunch because I just wanted him to eat something.

I've been that mama who has said things she shouldn't have.

I've been that mama who hasn't hugged her babies, kissed her babies, nearly as much as I should.

I've been that mama who has wanted to run away.

I've been the mama who hasn't tried to listen or understand enough.

I've been that mama who is afraid, so afraid of messing up her kids.

I've been that mama who has felt depressed and alone. 

I've been the mama who hasn't prayed enough. 

I've been that mama who hasn't felt good enough to be a mama.

I've been a mama who has been desperate

I have been that mama and will still be that mama at times. 

There is grace for that...

And I am a mama who is thankful for that. 

If you feel like me, mama, know you're not alone. 

Know that there are other mama's just like you that get it,

But know more importantly, there is a God who can (and wants) to carry you through motherhood.

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Want to have another mama to talk to?
I know its hard to find that for some.
I'm hear if you need anything, just reach out.

Finding me

At times life gets really overwhelming because there's so much to it.
There is a husband to love and give time to.
There are children who almost constantly need me.
There is God time I am suppose to be having.
There are commitments. There are friendships. There is family. There are lists.
I get overwhelmed by all of it, sometimes, because lots of it happened so quickly.
There wasn't a lot of transition period from when I was married to becoming a mama.

I read this post by a lovely blogger the other day and couldn't help but think, "yes! yes! yes!"
It was something I could completely relate to.
At times, especially when there are hard seasons in life,
I find myself thinking about who I once was, when I was just me.

I used to have a more consistent, filling relationship with God.

I was confident in my faith.

I had girlfriends I would spend lots of time with. 

I was skinny and didn't struggle with my weight.

I had time to myself.

I was somewhat independent.

Now, don't get me wrong... the list of what was wrong with me is much greater (ha).

I was extremely depressed.

I cried a lot and made extremely bad choices.  

I struggled with loving myself and didn't look to God for love, the way I always should have. 

I wasn't healthy. My body weight, I believe, reflected that.

That "what was wrong with me" list isn't something I miss. 

I realize I shouldn't call it that because that's not nice ;) and it was a growing period.

It was a hard period and at times I wish none of it had happened, but God is good.

He brought me to it and through it. 

But that other list, I miss those things about myself.

Those were good things and the things that made my husband fall in love with me. 

Being married and having babies hasn't made it so I can't be those things.

Those things they've made me grow in good ways, ways God has wanted me to.

I would in no way change being married or having children,

But those other areas, I've lost them, because my focus was put elsewhere.

It's time to spend more time taking care of myself and being the person I feel I'm suppose to be.

So, instead of a word for the year, I have a phrase for the year -- Finding me.

Get back on track with God.

Stay more connected with my girlfriends... we're all so spread out! 

Workout and eat healthy (more on this soon).

Take some "me" time. 

Find myself. 

I want to be a better wife and mother. Finding myself will help with that!

Have you struggled with something like this? Tell me! It's nice to relate to my readers!

When you have two little ones

If you'd never one read my blog or didn't know me...

And asked me about myself the first thing I'd tell you is I'm a mom.

It's not exactly the most important thing. That is, I'm a child of God. 

There's other things about me too, like I'm married and recently decided I'm going to go for my dream, I'm going to start my own photography business, but first, I'd tell you I'm a mom. 

Because that is what I spend most of the time doing, being mom. 

No matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, I'm always mom to my children. 

I'd also tell you that being a mom of two - a two year and three month old- is hard. 

When you have two littles ones, like I do, lots of days can be hard.
You aim to put all your focus on them.
There's so much that needs your attention.
Diaper changes. Feedings. Baths. Toys. Books. Time outs. Crying.
And if one little one doesn't need or want you, the other one does.
You can lose yourself in those things and me, that's how I've felt lately.
Lost and not myself lately.
Its hard when you don't have very little time for yourself.
You feel a bit like your losing your mind sometimes.

Honestly, I feel like I've lost my mind a bit.

And I want to find it, I want to find me again...

So, that's what I'm trying to do. 

Even if that means just putting the babies in the stroller and going for a walk with my camera. 

I find myself in those moments.

In those moments my heart is full because not only do I have my babies, but I have myself too.

All that matters is Him and them

Today I want to write about something that has been on my heart for a while. I've been meaning to write it out, but for some reason, just haven't. I guess maybe because I'm a bit embarrassed by the truth, Or I don't want others to feel like I'm judging them. 

Blogging has changed for me. I mean, its still about writing things out, still about sharing my heart. 

There's one area I've noticed a change in...And its wanting. Wanting more things. I read a ton of blogs, so many that I cannot keep up with them all. I read lots of posts that are heartfelt, inspiring, encouraging, uplifting, but I also read posts about fashion, products, books, blog conferences. 

And those posts... they leave me wanting things. 

I hate that. I'm embarrassed by that. 

I read blogs and at times come away wanting things I didn't know I wanted until I read that post. 

I get on twitter and see tweets about things people just bought or want. 

I see the same on pinterest and even facebook at times. 

And all those posts leave me wanting more than I have. 

They leave me feeling ungrateful for what I do have. 

They leave me wishing I had more money.
At times it causes me to spend more than I should.

I hate that. I cringe at that. 

I guess its one of the reasons I haven't been keeping up with blogs as much as I used to.
I don't get on blogger to read blogs the way I used to. 

Because I don't want to be ungrateful. Because I don't need more. 

Because I don't need to spend money that we don't have. 

Because I just don't like the feeling of wanting. 

Because things really don't matter. 

The bank account may never be huge and I'm okay with that because money isn't really what matters. 

What matters most is God and my family. 

Really I don't need anything more than that.

Give me Jesus and give me my husband and babies and all is right in the world.

That's all I want, that's all I need.

Is this a struggle for anyone else? How do you deal with it, if it is? 

My battle with cloth diapering

I never really thought about using cloth diapers, not until I saw a handful of mom's around me doing so.

My thoughts were something along the lines of, "isn't that what they did in the old days?" 

Because, well, it was...

But I listened to mom's talk about it and how it saves money + is good for the environment. 

Not to mention they make the babies butts look so darn cute. 

So I made the decision that we'd use cloth diapers and we do, most of the time.
But can I just say that some times I really hate them? 

I despise doing laundry and they surely add a ton more because um, babies go to the bathroom a lot! ;)

It's not even the laundry part that makes me dislike them so much at times...

It is the fact that some times they are just nasty. 

I tried spraying them, but really it just got everywhere and I really didn't want to throw up.
So then I used a spatula. Not gonna lie... that was probably worse. 

Now, I just dunk em.

Still grossed out? 

Yeah, me too. Seriously, some times that makes me want to gag. 

Some times its just easier to use disposables and I do. 

I give myself grace in this area because at times its better to not deal with it. 

It's a battle really. I go back and forth between wanting to keep on using them and wanting to stop. 

I know though, that using them will save a ton of money because my goodness diapers are pricey! 

That's what will keep me using them. 

And the fact that I just got a box of them for $50 for baby Maeva. ;) Love finding them for cheap! 

Do you use cloth? Did you and then stop? 

What are your thoughts of cloth diapering? Worth it or no? 

On My Struggle with Being Content

This blog is a place where I want to be real and more open,
which involves sharing my struggles.
Some of them are bigger than others.
The one, I have on my heart right now, may seem small to some,
but what it can do in one's life, is big.

Its about being content. Or, actually it's more about, being discontent.
Last night as I was catching up on the Bible study I'm doing as part of She Reads Truth,
I read about being content. 
It was one of those moments where I was reading the word of God
and I KNEW that He was speaking to me. 
Those moments are hard, but good.
I knew he was saying "Kassie, be content, you have no reason not to be."

He's right. I have no reason to be discontent. 

There will probably always be things I want and things I think I need. 

That doesn't mean that I will always get those things 

and it definitely doesn't mean I can't be content while waiting! 

That's huge for me to realize! Sometimes I have to wait on things and be content with that. 

I don't want to get stuck on the list of things I want because then it's easy to be ungrateful.

That is not the type of person I want to be!
I want to be content. I want to be grateful. 

So, I'm going to work on that because really, I do have so much to be thankful for! 

I have a roof over my head.

There's plenty of food on my plate and clothes on my back.

I have a wonderful husband and son!

Our little girl is growing well and will be here soon!

I know a God who is good in all He does.

That is what I am grateful for today and I will rest in the contentment of those things!

Do you struggle with contentment?

How do you redirect your discontentment to contentment? 

Please tell me! Ideas are always nice! =)

Mama is losing her mind!

This weekend was not a good one for me. Especially yesterday. 

I'll be honest and tell you that while I always love my son, I don't always enjoy motherhood.
It was just one of those days yesterdays...
Braden was constantly at my feet whining and wanting to be held.
And he screamed and was full of tantrums pretty much all day.
I didn't want to lose my mind, but seriously thought it was coming to that.

I want to keep my cool as a mother. 

I see so many mom's whether is be in the blogging world or real life, that seem to have it all together.

They handle motherhood so well. Never snapping at their kids and it just looks so easy for them. 

All the time, it looks easy for them. 

But that's not me....

Not when my son is screaming bloody murder because he can't walk outside right this minute,

Not when my son closes his eyes, clenches his fists, and opens his mouth loudly screaming,

Not when its all day long. 

I figure I can't be the only mom who feels this way. I hope not anyway.

I hope I'm not the only mom who wonders can I put my 15 month old in time out?

I hope I'm not the mom who, at times, feels on the verge of snapping in her anger. 

I hope I'm not the only mom who some days is just so exhausted. 

I'm hesitant to push the publish post button, 

but I'm hoping that in writing this post some other mother can relate... 

either tell me I'm not crazy or say, "hey, me too!" 

I'm so happy and thankful for God chose me to be Braden's mom.

I wouldn't change being his mom for anything, but somedays are just harder than others.

That's okay... we will make it through because this is our life. 

Somedays just need a little more prayer and patience.

Somedays, as a mom, I just need to take a break for myself and have some alone time. 

I'm actually convinced that as mom, taking a break is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Every once in a while, at least. 

Where my hope comes from

This is the verse I have to look at today because things are feeling hopeless. 

When my little boy is screaming... I feel no hope.

When I look at our bills and the pile of debt we have...I feel no hope.

When I get irritated and frustrated at our current living situation...I feel no hope.

When people are constantly telling me what to do and making me feel bad because I am not doing things their way, the way they consider right...I feel no hope.

Honestly, I'm stressed out, a bit depressed, irritated, bitter, and a little angry too. 

But there is hope and I need to focus my attention on WHERE that hope REALLY is. 

Because sometimes hope isn't around me... I won't find it in my baby screams, money, a house, or people's opinions. Sometimes theres no hope in those things because how can those things give me hope when so often those things fail us? 

My precious boy... I love him dearly. I love him more than words can ever explain, but he's probably always going to fuss or drive me a little loopy sometimes. At least for the next 17 years right? ;)

It will seem like we never have enough money... I'm human and I'll admit right now that sometimes I really do want more of it even though it does nothing for me...not really.

A home? A space of my own? Yes, I want it, I dream of it right now, literally, but when we get there, will we dream of bigger and better? Because that's what we do as humans? We always want whats bigger and better? 

And people telling me what to do and thinking wrongly of me? That's what people do...they judge, they always think their right. I won't find hope in people, not always.

But where is there hope?

IN GOD there IS HOPE

Even though I'm struggling to believe this right now... even though I can't grasp it because I'm having a few horrible moments, I know its the truth.

God is the only place where I will find hope because He is hope!

Please God, let me rest in Your hope.

You offer us so much of it, but I'm struggling to find it.

Open my eyes to it Lord.

Give me hope to get through this day because I need it.

A new goal and P.S. can you tell he's my baby?

Top: Maurices. Shorts: Kohls. Shoes: Payless.

"I am fat."

"My face is chubby."

" My stomach is gross."

" My thighs are huge."

Seriously, those are the thoughts that seem to encompass my thoughts lately. 

I want that to change. That NEEDS to change. 

I do not need to tear myself down, but build myself up.

I know I've written about it on my blog many times - this struggle with baby weight.

Its tough, but I try to work on it and starting NOW things will change.

I will not write about how I hate my body, I will not say it. 

Instead I will...Say I am beautiful. Because the beauty is there...

 Especially in the fact that I created a baby.

I will...listen to my husband when he tells me 

I am the most beautiful woman in the world.

I will know its the truth that God created nothing ugly and believes I am beautiful as well.

NO MORE negative posts! NO MORE negative words leaving my mouth!

I am beautiful!

I tried to link up by copying the html code and pasting. But it isn't working. Thoughts? 

Maybe its my mac. 

P.S.

Can you tell that we're related?