Coffee with a side of vulnerbility

Just at the beginning of the week I wrote how I struggle with sharing in this space. 

It's not the first time I've struggled with that and more than likely not the last. 

Today though, I feel a strong desire to write some things out 

simply just to put them out there. 

So, let's have a virtual coffee date where I share some pieces of my heart. 

The funny thing about that is, a virtual coffee date seems safer than an actual coffee date. 

You see, these are things I probably wouldn't tell you (or anyone face to face) 

because the words just seem to get stuck in my throat. 

Right now, coffee through the internet seems a bit safer. 

So grab your own cup, listen to my heart, and maybe share some of your own.

If we were having a coffee date these are the things I'd want to tell you...

Last night as I was trying to drift off to sleep, 

I just felt really messy and broken inside. 

I know we're all broken and that only God can take the brokeness and fix it. 

Honestly though, a lot of the time I feel like I'm always going to be broken.

I look at my story and know that God has brought me out of some dark places,

but I still feel a lot of pain from it all. 

I wonder if it's always going to be there 

because it doesn't feel like it's ever going to fully heal. 

At some point in my life I just want my heart to not ache when I think of certain things. 

On Tuesday at our Bible study we were talking about "Our People".
You know the people in your life who you need and who you need you.
Those people who you invest in and share life with.
Those people you know will always be there no matter what.
A lot of the ladies talking seemed to have those types of relationships.
Listening to them talk I had to hold back tears because I don't have that.
I used to have that with my college friends,
but those relationships changed and we're all so spread out.
It made me realize how many people I don't have in my life,
long for friends even more, and left me feeling really lonely.

My relationship with God has also been something I've been having a hard time with.
I wrote about wanting to be intentional with Him, but I've really sucked at it.
I tend to want to be great at something or just give up.
Sometimes with God I feel myself running away even though I know
that does a lot more harm than good.
I've been shoving my feelings down when it comes to all that.
Not just for myself, but when it comes to teaching my kids about Him.
It all seems overwhelming and so instead of just starting, I completely give up.
I need to cling to grace because I know I won't be perfect,
but He's okay with that... I just struggle in believing that.

Motherhood has felt so hard lately.
I seem to get to the end of the days feeling like I just can't do it anymore.
It's too hard and I wonder if other mama's struggle like this.
Do they feel like every single day is hard?
How do they make it through the days?
I wonder about all I'm doing wrong and it feels so suffocating to me.
I wish I just knew that it was this hard for other mamas as well
or is there something wrong with me?

Those are a few of the things I'd tell you if I could get the words out.
They aren't easy to share here, but it does feel good to type the words
out instead of letting them just stir around inside my heart and head.

What's on your heart friends? Anything you'd like to share.