Thursday, February 26, 2015

Coffee with a side of vulnerbility

Just at the beginning of the week I wrote how I struggle with sharing in this space
It's not the first time I've struggled with that and more than likely not the last. 
Today though, I feel a strong desire to write some things out 
simply just to put them out there. 
So, let's have a virtual coffee date where I share some pieces of my heart. 
The funny thing about that is, a virtual coffee date seems safer than an actual coffee date. 
You see, these are things I probably wouldn't tell you (or anyone face to face) 
because the words just seem to get stuck in my throat. 
Right now, coffee through the internet seems a bit safer. 

So grab your own cup, listen to my heart, and maybe share some of your own.

If we were having a coffee date these are the things I'd want to tell you...

Last night as I was trying to drift off to sleep, 
I just felt really messy and broken inside. 
I know we're all broken and that only God can take the brokeness and fix it. 
Honestly though, a lot of the time I feel like I'm always going to be broken.
I look at my story and know that God has brought me out of some dark places,
but I still feel a lot of pain from it all. 
I wonder if it's always going to be there 
because it doesn't feel like it's ever going to fully heal. 
At some point in my life I just want my heart to not ache when I think of certain things. 

On Tuesday at our Bible study we were talking about "Our People".
You know the people in your life who you need and who you need you.
Those people who you invest in and share life with.
Those people you know will always be there no matter what.
A lot of the ladies talking seemed to have those types of relationships.
Listening to them talk I had to hold back tears because I don't have that.
I used to have that with my college friends,
but those relationships changed and we're all so spread out.
It made me realize how many people I don't have in my life,
long for friends even more, and left me feeling really lonely.

My relationship with God has also been something I've been having a hard time with.
I wrote about wanting to be intentional with Him, but I've really sucked at it.
I tend to want to be great at something or just give up.
Sometimes with God I feel myself running away even though I know
that does a lot more harm than good.
I've been shoving my feelings down when it comes to all that.
Not just for myself, but when it comes to teaching my kids about Him.
It all seems overwhelming and so instead of just starting, I completely give up.
I need to cling to grace because I know I won't be perfect,
but He's okay with that... I just struggle in believing that.

Motherhood has felt so hard lately.
I seem to get to the end of the days feeling like I just can't do it anymore.
It's too hard and I wonder if other mama's struggle like this.
Do they feel like every single day is hard?
How do they make it through the days?
I wonder about all I'm doing wrong and it feels so suffocating to me.
I wish I just knew that it was this hard for other mamas as well
or is there something wrong with me?

Those are a few of the things I'd tell you if I could get the words out.
They aren't easy to share here, but it does feel good to type the words
out instead of letting them just stir around inside my heart and head.

What's on your heart friends? Anything you'd like to share.


  1. Yes. Yes. And Yes.
    Broken, broken, broken are we. Seriously. Beyond repair (minus the whole Jesus thing). Something that I have been clinging to lately is Isaiah 26:3 - "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Something that keeps me from wallowing (not that that is what YOU are doing...really talking about myself) in my disgusting brokenness is focusing on Him and His perfection and direction. If I were to TRULY keep my mind STAYED on Him, I wouldn't have time to even think about how yucky I am (besides times of repentance and asking forgiveness and help), and I would be able to praise Him more and accept His love way better. {I'm totally an external processor, so stay with me here as I process for my own heart's sake ;)} As much as it hurts, I think it is healthy for our hearts to ache over injustice and brokenness and ungodlyness. Righteous anger is more like it. Our hearts ache because of the things that have happen that weren't purposed to bring Glory to our great God. A lot of nights when I find myself feeling the most lonely is when I have depended upon people (i.e. my husband or friends) or myself to make me happy or fill my lonely void...If my mind were STAYED on Him, there would be no un-met expectations or feelings of lonely, He is always there when we need Him to be.
    Moving on.
    "My People"...this has been a hard one for me lately too!!! I feel like I do have a few people that def. fit that group, but there are others, whom I would have always categorized in that group, that have recently proved different...and that sucks. I have had a lot of strife happening between friends lately and my heart hurts with you. It is outdated drama that won't let up. I am a forgiving person and expect others to do the same, but hurts are different and it is hard when others don't want to reconcile or feel the same way you do. It really does just suck. And it is HARD to have a 'tribe' of your people in this stage of life too! Because it isn't just YOU that needs friends, your husband does too, and I don't know about you, but for us it has been HARD to find couple friends/family friends.
    Your admitting of failing in the realm of pursuing God more intentionally reminded me of this amazing post by Ann Voskamp ( worth reading! I pray for you and me…that we can believe that truth that God so quickly and gracefully forgives our lack, because He knows us so well. I pray that we turn to Him in our lack and not try to make up for it with ritual and consistence…those things are great, but not if we are trying to impress Him…they are great for getting to know Him.
    MOTHERHOOD. This is the biggest one because it is so IN OUR FACES. You are not alone. You. Are. Not. Alone. It is so hard. These ages are so hard. My two-year-old-whining is so hard. My three-year-old-bossing is so hard. My sweet amazing third baby…when she wakes up too early…that is so hard. {I'm sure you can relate to all of those things}. Daily there is struggle. But there have been some things that have brought me out of such struggle…like making time to pause, to not yell, to not cry, to not get frustrated. INTENTIONALLY trying to pray over everything. To ask my kids to pray with me and for me and for each other. Honestly telling my husband what I need to keep going. Not expecting him to fulfill those needs, but making sure he knows. Time with friends (with and without kids). Most of all, my time in bible study has been SUPER encouraging for me. Listening to Jesus speak through the Word and through my peers really gets me going. And pursuing my strengths…like being creative or whatever. Making time to do that.

  2. Another post I'm reminded of (
    I think the only thing you are 'doing wrong' is being too hard on yourself. I have had to LET UP on my expectations of my kids, my husband, myself, and learn to go with the flow. You got this mama.
    Also, something that has revolutionized my life is feeling my calling to be mom. Specifically to my people. Pray over that? Ask Jesus to help you feel your calling as wife and mama. That has made me feel really purposed and excited.
    Thanks for taking the time to have a coffee date with me (and the entire internet ;)
    Love and miss you friend.

  3. My response was too long for one comment :P

  4. I'm always in that boat. Every night I pray and pray, I mean to be intentional, and then as soon as the youngest boy is standing there peeing on the floor because he couldn't make it to the potty, and everyone else needs breakfast and the baby throwing around clattering things and my blog, budget, work, home business, and oh yeah hey husband.. yeah I forget where & when to reach to God.

  5. You are absolutely NOT alone on any of these things. Right there with you!

  6. Thank you for sharing your heart. I enjoyed our coffee date. I've been struggling with the friendship thing and the God thing. I have friends, but none who are closer than close. The closest friend I have lives a messy, messy life, and sometimes I feel so left out because we need to talk about all the brokenness and drama, and the seemingly milder aspects of those same things in my life feel left out of the conversation. I also relate to the desire to want to do things perfectly or not at all. I read an article the other day that discussed a very intentional approach to Bible reading and study as the best way. Instead of this helping me read more and more intentionally, it's made me scared to read casually, coming to it without some intent devotion and concentration... And yes, parenting is hard. I've only got the one, but he is in the principal's office more days of the week than not right now, and that is very hard! He is only in 1st grade for goodness' sake! Let's do coffee again soon.

  7. We're all broken, and we all need God. The good thing is his love is big enough to go around. There's enough for all of us.

  8. YES! Motherhood lately has been such a struggle, and yet the desire for another baby weighs on me daily. It's a tough spot, honestly, and a harder decision than I thought. I wish we could have coffee for real!

  9. I'm in the broken boat a lot myself. Been in an out of therapy for years now and just recently started taking something for my anxiety. It's helping and it actually makes me feel a lot better. Work is my biggest struggle because I hate my job. I'm back in school for another career, so as soon as its done I can change jobs-there is a light, just a little ways away. :))

  10. I just wanted to say that 1. I'm a mom and 2. I have days of feeling like I'm incapable. This is the beautiful part about being God's children...we're never perfect...and he loves us anyway...

  11. This is a beautiful post, thank you for sharing with us! It's exactly the perfect kind of post for my new monthly link up, Monday Musings at my blog, Little Dove Creations; if you wanted to check it out this week. :-)


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