Week 23

Week 23. I cannot believe it.

I was talking to my husband this evening about how quickly this is going.

Soon it will be week 25 

And after that week 30 

And then less than 10 weeks Maeva will be here because of having a c-section. 

I'm a bit overwhelmed by it, but at the same time very excited. 

I'm looking forward to seeing her sweet face and holding her.

I can't wait to see James with her and how Braden will respond.

It's all so exciting.

Yet, this whole pregnancy thing is hard.

I've reached the point where I'm not feeling so great about my body. 

I feel huge, but I know I haven't really reached the point where I feel like I'm about to pop. 

I haven't reached the point where I feel like a whale and nothing fits.

I'm dreading that.

I've just reached the point where I feel like my face is fat and am worried about my weight.

I hate those things... how they can rob the joy of this. 

I know those things don't really matter.

All that really matters is being healthy and having her.

All of this... the hardness of pregnancy... it is completely worth it because of her. 

I know that and I tell myself to remember that. 

Thank You Lord for the fact that I am able to carry this precious little girl, this daughter of Yours.

Thank You for this pregnancy being healthy and going well. I love that she is growing well and her kicks... oh, they are wonderful and getting stronger. I am thankful for it all Lord. Help me with my insecurities. Help me to know deep in my heart that all that matters is having her, but mostly that my worth doesn't lie in anything other than You. Not in how I look during pregnancy, not how I feel about my body, my weight, not about anything other than You. Thank You Lord. Amen.

Vacation is coming!

In a little over a month my family 

and I will be flying to California for a week of glorious vacation.

I will be 27 weeks pregnant 

and probably annoy the people next to us by having to get up to use the bathroom so often.

Braden will be 18 months old. 

I hope and pray that he handles this trip 

much better than the trip to Hawaii when he was 2 months old (what were we thinking?!?).

I cannot wait to go to the beach with my boys.

I know Braden will absolutely love being outside and in the water.

I cannot wait to eat in and out.

This will surely be a high light of our trip and I hope I don't gain a ton of weight from it.

I cannot wait to take some maternity pictures on the beach. 

I cannot wait to spend some quality time with my family for a whole week. 

It will be amazing and I'm thankful that we're able to take one last trip, 

just the three of us, before baby Maeva comes

(which will happen a few months after we come back... oh my goodness!!!).

June 2nd. Come quickly. 

Thankful

There are days that are just hard.
For no reason other than I'm just feeling down.
I blame the hormones.
But I know, even in the dark moments, the hard moments,
I need to be look at the good things and be thankful.

I have so much to be thankful for.
I have a God who is loving and forgiving. Every single day.
A husband who works so hard to take care of us. Who loves us and would do anything for us.
A healthy little boy who learns more each day and makes me laugh and smile so much.
A little girl growing inside of me that will soon enough be here.
We have a roof over our head, food on the table, and so much more than many others.
There's so much to be thankful for.
The little things and the big things.
Today even though I may not feel the greatest, I chose to be thankful.

And just because his excited face cracks me up

What I've loved about this week

This weather has simply been amazing.
Who knew it could be so nice in March?
We've loved it around here.

I love that I've been able to clean with the windows open during the day.
And sleep with them open during the night.
Braden's also enjoyed being outside more.
He loves to just walk and walk.
I've also discovered that while he is out on the deck he likes to throw things over the deck...
His shoes, the tv remote, my flip flop, his bubbles... the boy just likes to throw things down!

I also like the fact that he doesn't need to wear many clothes because...
my goodness, getting a toddler dressed can be a lot of work!
I'm a fan of letting him walk around shirtless or just with his diaper on.
He'd happily be naked, if we let him, but considering we have carpet...

It's also been nice to spend time outside as a family, whether its going to the park and walking

Or letting Braden walk around in the tennis court outside. 

He's just so happy about being outside and I know that as he gets older, that's all he will want to do!

I'm okay with that. 

The weathers been beautiful and I know that Braden would be happy if it stayed this way! ;)

I'm thankful God

Gave me these boys to love.

I love them so much.

Thank You God for placing James in my life 

And trusting me to be Braden's mother.

Thank You.

Mama is losing her mind!

This weekend was not a good one for me. Especially yesterday. 

I'll be honest and tell you that while I always love my son, I don't always enjoy motherhood.
It was just one of those days yesterdays...
Braden was constantly at my feet whining and wanting to be held.
And he screamed and was full of tantrums pretty much all day.
I didn't want to lose my mind, but seriously thought it was coming to that.

I want to keep my cool as a mother. 

I see so many mom's whether is be in the blogging world or real life, that seem to have it all together.

They handle motherhood so well. Never snapping at their kids and it just looks so easy for them. 

All the time, it looks easy for them. 

But that's not me....

Not when my son is screaming bloody murder because he can't walk outside right this minute,

Not when my son closes his eyes, clenches his fists, and opens his mouth loudly screaming,

Not when its all day long. 

I figure I can't be the only mom who feels this way. I hope not anyway.

I hope I'm not the only mom who wonders can I put my 15 month old in time out?

I hope I'm not the mom who, at times, feels on the verge of snapping in her anger. 

I hope I'm not the only mom who some days is just so exhausted. 

I'm hesitant to push the publish post button, 

but I'm hoping that in writing this post some other mother can relate... 

either tell me I'm not crazy or say, "hey, me too!" 

I'm so happy and thankful for God chose me to be Braden's mom.

I wouldn't change being his mom for anything, but somedays are just harder than others.

That's okay... we will make it through because this is our life. 

Somedays just need a little more prayer and patience.

Somedays, as a mom, I just need to take a break for myself and have some alone time. 

I'm actually convinced that as mom, taking a break is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Every once in a while, at least. 

A letter to my son

Dear Braden,

I love you so much. There aren't words to tell you how much I love you; there never could be.

I've loved you since you were growing inside me and everyday that love grows. 

I'd do anything to protect you and show you that I care. 

You've taught me so much - what joy is and how to laugh. 

You're the reason I know what unconditional love is. 

There isn't a thing you could do to make me stop loving you. I hope you remember that. 

You are a gift from God and I am so thankful that He chose me to be your mama. 

I can't imagine my life without you baby boy. 

I've heard many parents say that their heart breaks as their baby is growing up and I know its true.

My heart really aches to watch you grow and learn. I wish I could keep you small forever, but I

know I can't. I'm okay with that because I know just as you've made me smile and laugh being little, 

you'll do the same growing up. You may grow up, but you'll always be my baby boy. 

Always love,

Mama

Happy 1st Birthday!

He's so precious and happy. I love it.

I am so thankful for my boys. Getting pictures of them together, I love because their relationship is so special. They make my heart happy and thankful!

I love our love. 

Birthday party pictures to come sometime after his party Saturday!

Questions on Gratitude

Lately, I've come across posts from other bloggers that I like and therefore want to copy.This is one of those posts. It's definitely one I need to do...especially today. I need to take the time to really think about what I am grateful for. I am always grateful, but I don't always take the time to really think about such things. 

1. Who do you appreciate? There are many people I appreciate, but my husband is at the very top of the list. He works so very hard at a job that isn't his dream, at a job that most days is just a pain, but he does it because he wants to support us. He's also very supportive, loving, and giving. He's a great husband! =)

2. How am I fortunate? I am fortunate because of the life I live. There are so many people, so many children who don't get food to eat, water to drink, or a roof over their head. I'm fortunate enough to get those things! I'm also fortunate to have a college degree. So many people can't afford it. I'm fortunate also because I know Christ. So many people don't. For that I am one of the most fortunate!

3. What material possessions am I thankful for? Clothes, my phone, a computer, a car, a bed to sleep on.

4. What abilities do I have that I am grateful for? I'm grateful that I have a compassionate heart. Sometimes its so easy for the world to judge other for who they are or blame them for their circumstances, but I try to see the bigger picture, I try to see their heart. I'm not always good at it, but my heart is full of compassion for many.

5. What about my surroundings (my home, neighborhood) am I thankful for? I'm thankful to have a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep. I'm thankful that we are in a safe place, but mostly I am thankful that I am with my husband and son. They surround me daily and without them I don't know what I'd do. I'm also thankful that God is all around me.

6. What experiences have I had that I am grateful for? I want to say that I am grateful for my past, but sometimes thats hard. However, I know that theres a purpose in it, even if I never know what that is. Its a part of God's plan and its made me who I am today. 

7. What happened today/yesterday/this week/ this month/this year that I am grateful for?

Today-- time to rest. Somedays I feel like I get none and it was nice to nap with my son lying on me.

Yesterday -- some good time with just my husband, son, and I. One of my favorite things is when we have time just us, time to just enjoy each other. 

This week-- thats its Thanksgiving tomorrow (and someone's birthday)! =)

This month -- that we've been able to take some steps towards healing for us and made some decisions that will be good for us!

This year -- we got married and had a baby...couldn't get any better than that!    

8. What opportunities have I had that I am thankful for? I am thankful that I have the chance to stay home with my son. Its definitely a blessing. I get to see him grow and thats something I wouldn't change for the world!

9. What have others done that I am thankful for? My husband works to support us. That is something I can never thank him enough for. His parents have given us a place to stay while we pay off some debt. A friend from church welcomes her home for play dates and listens to me. Theres so much that others have done for me! 

10. What have others done that I am benefiting from in my life (even if I don't know who those people are?) I know others pray for us. Maybe I don't know who or when, but it helps!

11. What relationships am I thankful for? I am thankful for the relationship I have with my husband. It may not always be easy, but it is always worth it. I am thankful for my relationship with my son. Its a special relationship and he will always have a special place in my heart. I love them very much. I am also thankful for the friendships I have -- some I've had for years and some more recent, but my friends, they are so important and have been there through some of the toughest times. I'm so thankful to have people in my life who will be there no matter what!

12. What am I taking for granted that, if I stop to think about, I am grateful for? I am sure there is much. I think I take more for granted that I can even think of. At times, I think, I take most for granted. Maybe, its money, if I really think about it. I've mentioned debt before and I think, maybe, taking money for granted is what got us here. 

13. What is there about the challenges/difficulties I have experienced (or am experiencing) that I can be thankful for? (e.g. What have I learned? How have I grown?) I've learned what really matters - God and my family. Those things are the only things that really matter... if I only had those two things in my life, I'd not only be okay, but I'd be good. I've also learned that God's in control and I need to trust Him and lean on Him more.

14. What is different today then it was a year ago that I am thankful for? My heart is different. When my husband and I started dating I was emotionally a mess and after getting married and having him in my life thats changed a lot. He's helped to heal my heart. I'm so thankful for that! I am also thankful that my husband took it upon himself to bring my best friend from college and I back into one anothers' lives. I am thankful that she was willing to let me back in her life and that we were willing to forgive one another and open up to one another again. God is good. In all things He is good.

15. What insights have I gained that I am thankful for? I am thankful that I've learned that I can't change the way people act or the choices they've made. I can only be in-charge of me. Its nice to be able to let go of that and not carry the burden of other peoples' choices. 

He's just so precious to me

Sometimes I just want to eat him up!

He's going to be one soon.

Growing up so fast, too fast.

He's so full of energy

and smiles

and laughs.

Thank You God for this boy, this precious boy...

Broken, but thankful

This is me. 

On the outside I may look well put together, but on the inside, not so much. 

On the inside I feel...

Broken

Messy

Hurt

a lot of the time.

I struggle with a lot...

My past

Fear

Not feeling good enough

My weight

Not being content 

Today I'm really aware of these struggles, today I am aware of how strongly I feel broken, hurt and messy because of these things. 

My past at times, can creep up out of nowhere and leave my whole body feeling depressed.

I fear losing my child in some way or having him call someone else "mama".

Everyday there is something that tells me I am not good enough - it may be tv, music, the internet, or even words spoken to me or actions towards me.

Somedays clothes don't fit or feel right.

A lot of the time I want to be somewhere else... somewhere alone, for myself, just for a while...to sit, to breathe, to be. Or somewhere, where my husband can live his dream. 

I've been going over these things in my head. These things that leave me feeling horrible and I know that if I were THANKFUL, even if that didn't make things go away, I'd feel better.

So, today, I choose to be thankful for these things.

My past is not who I am, but brought me to where I am! 

My child is in God's hands and he will call me "mama" when he's good and ready!

I am good enough because God doesn't make anything that isn't good enough! 

My clothes will fit one day, but it takes time!

I am where I am for a reason! We are where we are for a reason!

Thanks God for opening my eyes. 

Thanks for reminding me that things aren't so bad and that I should be thankful regardless!