Living for God

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I've been devouring Karen Kingsbury books lately. She's my favorite author. 

So good with words about having a relationship with God and relationships in general. 

As I was reading her book Take Three I came across some words I wanted to share. 

Words about living for God.

 During the part of the novel a main character in the book was listening to a radio station and this is what was said about living for God: "That means you take a hard look at what drives you. If it's your wife and kids, you're out of alignment with God...if it's your promotion at the office, you're off base. It it's the climb to get ahead of the park, your priorities are askew.... Living for God means waking every day with the same question in mind: How can I get through the next twelve hours in God's power, accomplishing His purposes, and concerned only about pleasing him?"

Those words are ones I read that convict me, that smack me in the face. What drives me? I hate to admit it, but honestly I'm unsure. Most of the time selfishness. Other times it is my husband and son. Sometimes its passion for photography, writing, or blogging. Often its about keeping up the appearance that everything is fine and dandy in my life when in fact it isn't. 

But is it God? As I write this I have tears in my eyes because I know the answer. The reason I was convicted, the reason I felt slapped in the face is because I rarely find God being the one who drives me. Its not His fault, of course because He is there...waiting to be the one who drives me, waiting to be the one I live for. 

So why is He not the one I let drive me? Why don't I live for Him? I'm too busy. I'm too tired. I get bored by it all sometimes...especially when it comes to reading His words (but other times I do find peace in it). Mostly though...its fear. So much fear. And selfishness of course because I want to do what I want, what I'm comfortable with. 

It all gets old though. It gets old and tiring knowing in your mind and heart what you are supposed to be doing. It gets hard fighting God and knowing that He is telling you to live for Him. It gets old and hard because when you don't those things your heart isn't right...its a bit broken. 

That's how I feel lately...a bit broken. 

God, help me to live for You. That's what I want to fully do.

Thoughts on Sandusky

I'm watching Dr. Phil. I do this sometimes, even though most of the time it leaves me in tears.

Todays episode is no different. Its about Penn state and everything involving this case against Sandusky. I haven't been paying much attention to it...I've been trying not to because I know it'd just upset me terribly. But I'm watching this today because not only is Dr. Phil talking about whats going on there, but also about how to be aware of sexual abuse in children. I think as hard as it is, its important to be aware of such things. 

That's not what I want to write about though. I want to write about whats on my heart about this. 

I'm trying not to bawl my eyes out because this hurts me deeply. Watching this, I'm learning things. I'm learning that for 10 years this abuse went on, before it was reported to the police. People saw things happening...horrible things and no one did what the law says they are supposed to do. They were supposed to go not only to the school board or people above him, but they were supposed to go to the cops. They didn't though...not for 10 years. Oh, the boys who could have been saved if only someone had done what they were suppose to, if only they had done the right thing! This makes me angry. I'm angry at Sandusky, yes, but its hard to not be even more angry at those who saw these things and did nothing. We're suppose to protect our kids! If we, the adults, don't do the right thing....if we don't protect our children...who will? Nobody. That makes me sick. It makes me want to refuse to let my child do anything when he grows up. It makes me want to keep him by my side always. It makes me want to never let him out of my sight. 

I'm angry. I cannot deny it.

I'm angry that this keeps on happening.

It doesn't seem like anything is being done to stop such things.

It breaks my heart because that isn't suppose to happen.

Innocence was ripped from these children. 

Their going to have deep emotional problems for most likely the rest of their lives.

Things like this make me so thankful for the fact that I know God.

God knows why this happens and He is a healer.

Theres some comfort for me there, but its hard because this sin...because I am a mother...gets to me more than anything else. 

I am also thankful that God will deal with people like Sandusky.

He gives them grace, that many people, like myself, struggle in giving to them.

Dear God, please be in the midst of this scandal. I know You are. I do.

Be close to all these people that have been hurt. Some of the kids he caused harm to are more grown up and some are still so young. Draw close to them God. They need you.
Show them your love and give them your peace. Help this be dealt with in the right way. Let there be justice. Please let their be justice. Amen.

Where my hope comes from

This is the verse I have to look at today because things are feeling hopeless. 

When my little boy is screaming... I feel no hope.

When I look at our bills and the pile of debt we have...I feel no hope.

When I get irritated and frustrated at our current living situation...I feel no hope.

When people are constantly telling me what to do and making me feel bad because I am not doing things their way, the way they consider right...I feel no hope.

Honestly, I'm stressed out, a bit depressed, irritated, bitter, and a little angry too. 

But there is hope and I need to focus my attention on WHERE that hope REALLY is. 

Because sometimes hope isn't around me... I won't find it in my baby screams, money, a house, or people's opinions. Sometimes theres no hope in those things because how can those things give me hope when so often those things fail us? 

My precious boy... I love him dearly. I love him more than words can ever explain, but he's probably always going to fuss or drive me a little loopy sometimes. At least for the next 17 years right? ;)

It will seem like we never have enough money... I'm human and I'll admit right now that sometimes I really do want more of it even though it does nothing for me...not really.

A home? A space of my own? Yes, I want it, I dream of it right now, literally, but when we get there, will we dream of bigger and better? Because that's what we do as humans? We always want whats bigger and better? 

And people telling me what to do and thinking wrongly of me? That's what people do...they judge, they always think their right. I won't find hope in people, not always.

But where is there hope?

IN GOD there IS HOPE

Even though I'm struggling to believe this right now... even though I can't grasp it because I'm having a few horrible moments, I know its the truth.

God is the only place where I will find hope because He is hope!

Please God, let me rest in Your hope.

You offer us so much of it, but I'm struggling to find it.

Open my eyes to it Lord.

Give me hope to get through this day because I need it.

My sensitive heart

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Last night my husband and I caught the tail end of the movie The Blindside. We've seen it once before, but its such a good movie and there was nothing else on. As we're watching it, I'm not focusing on the good things in this movie... how the young man has overcome so much or how a family took him in as their own. No, my heart seems to focus on the horrible things going on. The drugs, violence, the pain of ones past, the cursing. I start crying and as the movie goes on... as the young man graduates from high school and says goodbye to his family at college, the tears still come. As the movie ends I cannot stop crying and I'm thinking about this world... 

The fact that there are families torn apart by some sort of pain.

Child abuse that shouldn't happen because parents are the ones that are supposed to protect and love.

Homelessness.

Young women who are taken advantage of by young men. Those woman are the ones that have to carry the burden for potentially the rest of their lives.

People and how they can be so mean and cruel. 

All these thoughts are flowing through my mind and attacking my heart. My husband is trying to console me, but he doesn't understand my tears. He knows I'm sensitive and asks why I'm crying. The only words I can get past my lips are, "The world is such an awful place." I start sobbing uncontrollably at this point, almost hyperventilating and all my husband can do is hold me and tell me to calm down and focus on breathing.  I make myself focus....breathe, just breathe. 

I have a sensitive heart. It breaks easily. I feel like lately everywhere I turn the wickedness of the world is thrown at me. I hear horrible news stories about children being beaten to death and this tears my mothering heart to pieces. I see television shows that focus on marriages that were built on lies where one of the spouses end up killing the other and I just don't understand how someone can harm the person they stood infront at the alter with and in front of people (in front of GOD) and said I love you and will forever...  I hear songs on the radio that are about sex and how it means nothing but fun or songs that mention shooting someone. The list goes on and on when it comes to the wickedness of this world. 

Last night I became overwhelmed with it. The truth is that sometimes I let those things get close to me. I've gone to the cnn crimes page because that stuff interests me (not in a bad way, but I was a social work major), watched the show snapped on the oxygen channel, and listened to the song Pumped Up Kids. So, at times I've purposely put those things in my mind and heart. My husband I talked after my mini-break down and decided that we need a break... probably a permanent one. We don't need to watch the bad crap on tv, or pick up the movies from the red box, and we don't need to listen to awful songs that just get stuck in our heads. We plan on listening to klove in the car (I won't even get started on how much the radio seems to be horrid lately). 

The heartache in this world overwhelms me. In the midst of my breakdown I really felt like there was nothing we could do to make it better. My husband gently told me I was wrong... that I could pray, that I could hold tight to my faith, and that I could do what I know is right. I think the first thing to do is put my heart and mind in the right place. I don't want to be naive, but healthy. God tells us to guard our minds and hearts and I believe not being involved with these things is a huge way to do that! 

It may seem like everyday the world gets worse and worse. It may seem as if its never getting any better, but everyday is a NEW day because of HIM. He's with His people everyday and can help them overcome their sin, If I have hope in nothing else, I have Hope in Him.

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Oh Jesus... sometimes my heart literally breaks in this world. I can only imagine how Your heart must feel. Help me hold onto the hope that only You give! Yes, the world is a sad, broken place, but You've said that even though there will be heartache in this world, that You have overcome it. Help me hold onto that truth! Amen.