Last night my husband and I caught the tail end of the movie The Blindside. We've seen it once before, but its such a good movie and there was nothing else on. As we're watching it, I'm not focusing on the good things in this movie... how the young man has overcome so much or how a family took him in as their own. No, my heart seems to focus on the horrible things going on. The drugs, violence, the pain of ones past, the cursing. I start crying and as the movie goes on... as the young man graduates from high school and says goodbye to his family at college, the tears still come. As the movie ends I cannot stop crying and I'm thinking about this world...
The fact that there are families torn apart by some sort of pain.
Child abuse that shouldn't happen because parents are the ones that are supposed to protect and love.
Young women who are taken advantage of by young men. Those woman are the ones that have to carry the burden for potentially the rest of their lives.
People and how they can be so mean and cruel.
All these thoughts are flowing through my mind and attacking my heart. My husband is trying to console me, but he doesn't understand my tears. He knows I'm sensitive and asks why I'm crying. The only words I can get past my lips are, "The world is such an awful place." I start sobbing uncontrollably at this point, almost hyperventilating and all my husband can do is hold me and tell me to calm down and focus on breathing. I make myself focus....breathe, just breathe.
I have a sensitive heart. It breaks easily. I feel like lately everywhere I turn the wickedness of the world is thrown at me. I hear horrible news stories about children being beaten to death and this tears my mothering heart to pieces. I see television shows that focus on marriages that were built on lies where one of the spouses end up killing the other and I just don't understand how someone can harm the person they stood infront at the alter with and in front of people (in front of GOD) and said I love you and will forever... I hear songs on the radio that are about sex and how it means nothing but fun or songs that mention shooting someone. The list goes on and on when it comes to the wickedness of this world.
Last night I became overwhelmed with it. The truth is that sometimes I let those things get close to me. I've gone to the cnn crimes page because that stuff interests me (not in a bad way, but I was a social work major), watched the show snapped on the oxygen channel, and listened to the song Pumped Up Kids. So, at times I've purposely put those things in my mind and heart. My husband I talked after my mini-break down and decided that we need a break... probably a permanent one. We don't need to watch the bad crap on tv, or pick up the movies from the red box, and we don't need to listen to awful songs that just get stuck in our heads. We plan on listening to klove in the car (I won't even get started on how much the radio seems to be horrid lately).
The heartache in this world overwhelms me. In the midst of my breakdown I really felt like there was nothing we could do to make it better. My husband gently told me I was wrong... that I could pray, that I could hold tight to my faith, and that I could do what I know is right. I think the first thing to do is put my heart and mind in the right place. I don't want to be naive, but healthy. God tells us to guard our minds and hearts and I believe not being involved with these things is a huge way to do that!
It may seem like everyday the world gets worse and worse. It may seem as if its never getting any better, but everyday is a NEW day because of HIM. He's with His people everyday and can help them overcome their sin, If I have hope in nothing else, I have Hope in Him.
Oh Jesus... sometimes my heart literally breaks in this world. I can only imagine how Your heart must feel. Help me hold onto the hope that only You give! Yes, the world is a sad, broken place, but You've said that even though there will be heartache in this world, that You have overcome it. Help me hold onto that truth! Amen.