Something I miss

One thing you may or may not know about me is...

That I used to write for the newspaper in high school and college. 

I've always loved writing, so it was perfect for me.
My senior year, of high school, is when my writing really started to change.
It was the summer after I became a Christian and my passion changed.

I started writing about my relationship with God and my faith in Him.

I wrote about my past, my morals, my hopes.

I gave glimpses into my heart and life. 

In college my writings got deeper, more personal.

I wrote about my struggles and how God was there.

I wrote about my pain and how I saw God in it.

I wrote about whatever was on my heart, whatever He placed there.

And I was unafraid. 

I miss writing that way.
I miss writing with passion and conviction.
I miss writing without fear of what other's may think.
I struggle with that now because there is so much on my heart and in my life,
But I am afraid, afraid of what others will think.
Some of those people in my life and some in the blogging world.
And some things are too personal, but I still want to write it out.
I still want to share. Such a battle for me.
I miss this more than I can explain. It's a deep part of me, more than I share.
Do I write what I want, regardless of what others may think.
I think it's all about balance, but maybe I'll try to be more open here.
Maybe I'll even share stuff I wrote for the newspaper.

Do you struggle with this? What topics do you just not go near?
Do you want to be more open? Or less open?
Curious about your thoughts!

And also....
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Fear

As excited and ready as I am for Maeva to be here, as excited and ready as I am to have her as part of this family, I'm scared. There's the normal fears that I've written about such as questioning whether I can be a mom of two, which I know I can. But there's a bigger fear that has set on my heart.


Fear for my son. 

So far, in his almost two year old life, its only been us. Daddy, mommy, and him. He is the one who gets all of our attention, he is the one who gets all our love. He really has no idea how his life is about to completely change. I worry about how he will handle it. I've had multiple people say that its going to be awful - he's going to be so jealous and a mess. I hate that. So discouraging and not helpful to my heart at all! 

They say you don't know love until you have a child. Its true - when you hear your baby for the first time, when you hold them, it feels as if your heart may just explode, with the love you are feeling. Its such an overwhelming, beautiful feeling. A gift from God. Braden has made me feel like that... from the first time I heard his cry and cried myself. To the first time I held him and he just looked at me, knowing I was his mom. To the moments where he's done something and my heart just stops in awe. He's such a sweet boy and I love him dearly. 

My fear is that, when Maeva comes he won't know that. My fear is that he will forget. 

I'll still give him attention, I'll still love him with all my heart. I'll still kiss him, hug him, hold him, but it won't all just be for him. Maeva will get a lot my attention... when she cries, when I need to nurse her, hold her, play with her, and on and on. It won't all just be him and mommy. I fear that he'll feel unloved then. That's my biggest fear. I'll try with all I can to show him otherwise, to have just mommy and Braden moments, to still kiss, hug, and hold him during the day. To still give him things he loves and kiss him goodnight before bed. I want both my children to know I love them the same because I do. 

Giving my fear over to God. Knowing that its simply just fear that won't take control of my life and doesn't have to be true. Knowing that I have enough love in my heart to give them both.

Battling Fear

Fear is a prison on pinterest via music is art.

Fear. Everyday it is something I live with. 

I don't know where my fear came from or why it is so powerful.

I don't know why it is rooted so deeply in my heart.

But it is there every single day.

I feel silly about it, really, because the fears I have, well, they seem silly. 

I can't say that I have one exact fear, but its really the fear of the world.

Somehow, there's a fear that's gotten ahold of me, about stepping out the front door. 

I don't want to go anywhere without my husband.

I get nervous about it, I get panicky. 

I'm just flat out scared to go anywhere... to the grocery store, the mall, the car wash, the pool.

I don't want to go to those places, do those things by myself.

I'm unsure of what I'm scared of, but I know one thing.... I don't like this fear! 

This fear isn't something I want to welcome. It's not something I want to stick around.

I am tired of being paralyzed by it, feeling as if I am in a prison. 

Fearless living on pinterest via tumblr

God's word tells us to not be afraid. Its really a command and I want to follow His words.

He wants us to trust in Him and if I let fear have control over my life, am I really trusting Him?

I want to trust Him wherever I am. 

I want to go out into this world with full confidence that God is in control and has my back.

He does. He promises that. 

So bit my bit, day by day, I am conquering this.

The past two days I've taken my son to the pool by myself.

It may seem silly, but its a big step for me. 

I am thankful for that God is helping me conquer this fear.

Do you struggle with fear? How do you conquer it? 

A mama's fear (and a winner)

We all have fears. I think a lot of those times those fears aren't something that would actually occur, but still they are there. I have a fear that is new to me since becoming a mother. I fear that somehow my son is going to get hurt. I know he will get hurt in life because thats what happens. I cannot (and should not) protect my son from every little thing. Getting hurt is how we learn sometimes. By hurt though, I mean, horribly. I actually have vivid images in my head of this happening. I've yet to determine if thats normal or not.

My biggest fear is that he's going to be taken. I think I fear this because I see it so often.

Right now, theres a baby girl my sons age missing in Kansas City. She's been missing for over a month.

I cried in our bed over this. I cried saying, "I don't want anyone to take my baby!" I was so upset by this that my husband brought him into our bed for a while. Its a fear that I am sure would never happen, but it breaks my heart to think about it.

I also have other images in my head of him getting hurt.
Right now we're living in a place where at the bottom of the stairs there is concrete. 

I fear him falling down the stairs. I fear him not making it because of that.

The list goes on and on.

I tell you this for two reasons...

Maybe another mama can relate.

But mostly, I tell you this because of how I deal with it. 

I TURN TO God with these images, with this worry.

Because that is what I HAVE TO DO. 

I put them out of my head and out of my heart.

I GIVE THEM to God. 

I TRUST HIM with my son because after all, He is the one who is in complete control.

He has my son IN HIS HANDS.

I AM AT PEACE when turning to Him with this.

Giving these thoughts to Him means I am FREE from them! 

They don't have to stick around and haunt me.

I do not have to worry!

Dear God, I know You are constantly watching over my son. 

I know You love him and protect him always.

I cannot thank You enough for this! 

Thank You for taking this worry from my hands and holding it in your own!

The winner of the Shabby Apple Giveaway is Linda Yan (I used the true random generator...I'd post it, if I knew how!)Congrats! I will email you soon!

Broken, but thankful

This is me. 

On the outside I may look well put together, but on the inside, not so much. 

On the inside I feel...

Broken

Messy

Hurt

a lot of the time.

I struggle with a lot...

My past

Fear

Not feeling good enough

My weight

Not being content 

Today I'm really aware of these struggles, today I am aware of how strongly I feel broken, hurt and messy because of these things. 

My past at times, can creep up out of nowhere and leave my whole body feeling depressed.

I fear losing my child in some way or having him call someone else "mama".

Everyday there is something that tells me I am not good enough - it may be tv, music, the internet, or even words spoken to me or actions towards me.

Somedays clothes don't fit or feel right.

A lot of the time I want to be somewhere else... somewhere alone, for myself, just for a while...to sit, to breathe, to be. Or somewhere, where my husband can live his dream. 

I've been going over these things in my head. These things that leave me feeling horrible and I know that if I were THANKFUL, even if that didn't make things go away, I'd feel better.

So, today, I choose to be thankful for these things.

My past is not who I am, but brought me to where I am! 

My child is in God's hands and he will call me "mama" when he's good and ready!

I am good enough because God doesn't make anything that isn't good enough! 

My clothes will fit one day, but it takes time!

I am where I am for a reason! We are where we are for a reason!

Thanks God for opening my eyes. 

Thanks for reminding me that things aren't so bad and that I should be thankful regardless!

Tough stuff

Black tank: Walmart. Purple tank: Delias. Skirt: Kohls. Flip flops: Do you really care? 

Relationships are hard. At least the deep, real ones are. I think some people are better at have relationships with people, while others have to work at it. I'm definitely the later. 

I love relationships, I do, but they are also hard for me to have. I really struggle with being open about what goes on, not only in my life, but also what goes on in my heart and my head.  I wouldn't say I struggle with honesty, but I would say it takes a lot to get me to the point where I'm going to spill whats going on in my life. I don't think thats necessarily a bad thing, but its not always good either. 

We all need those relationships that we put our hearts into. We need those relationships where we can open up and not be afraid of the others thoughts because we know we can trust them. Thats the thing it comes down to -- Trust. That's so hard for me, but I want to get better at it. I want to trust more and be better at having deeper relationships. It will take a lot of work, a lot of putting my fear aside, and taking a huge leap! 

Do you ever struggle with this? How you overcome it? Any words of wisdom.

I am so thankful for a God who knows all. My relationships with Him, of course takes work as well, but I cannot hide anything from Him! He knows my heart, my soul, my mind. Such a relief!