Giving Grace

I've realized something lately.
I'm awful at giving grace. I expect to get it myself, but I'm not great at giving it.
I'm not good at giving it to my husband, children, other family members, friends,
or even others in the blogging world.
It's something I'm trying to work on, for the good of everyone.

I'm trying to work on my words and my actions, even my thoughts.
I'm holding my tongue a lot more and reflecting on my feelings.
I've always been one to let my feelings get the best of me.
That is not always a good thing.
I overreact a lot and that's when grace isn't given.

I want to be kinder, more loving, and gentle.
I want to give a whole lot more grace.
God said that His grace is sufficient for me.
If its sufficient for me, then its sufficient for everyone.
I need to give more of it.
It's hard, but I'm asking God to help me.

Is this hard for you?
Are there certain people that you struggle giving grace to?
Or maybe even to yourself?
That can be really tough for me as well!

I've been the mama

I'm currently reading the book Desperate and absolutely loving it.

It is exactly what I've needed to feel uplifted and encouraged. 

I started reading this yesterday and found myself able to relate right away. 

It has been so nice to read the words of other mamas and not feel so darn alone.

I couldn't believe what I was reading, I so often felt like I couldn't have written the words myself.

As I read more tears kept on welling up in my eyes, realizing that I'm not the only one who finds motherhood to be so incredibly hard. 

Are you feeling alone as a mama? Do you feel like you're the only one that struggles with it?

Read on, dear friend, and maybe you can see some of yourself in my words. 

The mama I have want to be and the mama I often am are so different...

I've been that mama who wanted to pull the covers over her head and never come out.

I've been that mama who has thought, "I cannot be a mama today."

I've been that mama who has just been too tired. 

I've been the mama who thought being a mama was all about perfection.

I've been that mama who thought I had to be put together all the time, along with my home.

I've been that mama who has yelled at her kids more in one day than I want to admit.

I've been that mama who has gone and sat in her closet, hands over her ears, just to escape the crying. 

I've been that mama who spanked out of anger.

I've been that mama who has failed at discipling because I just didn't know how and sometimes didn't want to.

I've been that mama who hasn't loved enough. 

I've been the mama who hasn't taken time for herself, her husband, or friends.

I've been that mama who has screamed at the top of her lungs, "STOP IT!" because I was frustrated with my toddlers lack of obedience.

I've been that mama whose let my child watch way too much tv.

I've been that mama who has let my child eat a horrible lunch because I just wanted him to eat something.

I've been that mama who has said things she shouldn't have.

I've been that mama who hasn't hugged her babies, kissed her babies, nearly as much as I should.

I've been that mama who has wanted to run away.

I've been the mama who hasn't tried to listen or understand enough.

I've been that mama who is afraid, so afraid of messing up her kids.

I've been that mama who has felt depressed and alone. 

I've been the mama who hasn't prayed enough. 

I've been that mama who hasn't felt good enough to be a mama.

I've been a mama who has been desperate

I have been that mama and will still be that mama at times. 

There is grace for that...

And I am a mama who is thankful for that. 

If you feel like me, mama, know you're not alone. 

Know that there are other mama's just like you that get it,

But know more importantly, there is a God who can (and wants) to carry you through motherhood.

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Want to have another mama to talk to?
I know its hard to find that for some.
I'm hear if you need anything, just reach out.

Motherhood is hard

I've been awful at blogging lately. Not exactly on purpose. There have been days when I've been far too tired pregnant, there's been too much to do, and then there was yesterday when the toddler pulled the cord for the internet and the tv out of the wall, and I didn't realize it. Plus, I've just been a bit down on myself when it comes to motherhood, so I haven't felt up to writing. 


Motherhood is hard. They tell you that when you're pregnant, but you don't really get it until you have to get up five times during the night to feed the baby that for some reason cries a whole lot. Then, somehow you may forget how hard it is until you have a toddler who hits and bites you whenever you bring him inside because, "Mom, why would you? It's my favorite place!" Doesn't matter that its 100+ degrees outside and your less than a month away from having another baby. Some days its just hard because of the fussing that takes place for reasons you don't even understand. Some days its just hard because of you and not the toddler. Honestly, that's how I'm feeling lately... like its hard because of me. I'm not impressed with the job I'm doing lately, not impressed with my mothering. 


The other night as my husband and I were laying in bed talking I confessed this and some of my fears. Toddlerhood is hard. Braden is growing and learning. He desperately wants to be independent, which is a great thing, but there are some things, we, as parents, can't let him do. We can't let him get out of the tub himself because even though he thinks he's big enough, he's not. We can't let him just eat the m&ms in the trail mix because his teeth will root, we can't let him stand directly in front of the tv because it will hurt his eyes. But these things... he wants to do... and when we tell him no or take him away from it, he loses it. He kicks, he hits, he's bites, he screams. You know, all the normal toddler stuff. I look at him like I don't know him sometimes and a lot lately, I catch myself yelling. 
"Braden, NO!" 
"Stop it!" 
"I'm not doing the fussing today!" 
I hate the yelling... it makes me cringe. It makes it worse. It makes me feel like an awful mother. It also makes me fear that I am hurting him emotionally. That's probably one of my biggest fears. I don't ever want my son to feel like I don't love him, to feel like I don't care. I love him with only the love a mother could give her son. I'd do anything for him and I hope he comes to understand that as he grows. I hope he also comes to realize that everyone has bad days some days. He does. I do. We do, as parents. I hope he realizes that even though we have bad days - days of yelling, of being the people we don't want to be, but that doesn't mean, we don't love. Because we do, we love a whole lot. 


Trying to be a better mom. Trying to have grace with myself and my sweet boy. 

Photos taken by Nikki Wiarda.