A part of my story

This week is suicide prevention week and I came across this post from Jill.
I admire for her vulnerability and honesty.
Its not always easy to be those things, especially when it comes to something so personal.
I appreciated this post because I could relate.
I love reading posts that I have a connection to because it makes me feel less alone.
That's one of the reasons I love the blogging community so much.
They make you feel less alone and less crazy.
So, if you've ever struggled with depression
or suicide or had thoughts of hurting yourself, please go read.

Here's my story...

^^^Me, in one my last years of college^^^

I remember the first time I wanted to die, the first time I cut myself.
I was in 6th grade and overwhelmed with anger towards my dad,
missing a brother I never really got to know, grieving a friend who had died.

I remember being 15 and having my heart broken by a boy I never should have been with.
Sitting in my bed and just starring at the wall...
thinking there was no way I was going to get through this pain.
That's when it really started because I felt like I was drowning and suffocating at the same time.

I remember 7th grade and finally having enough, reaching out to a friend.
The same day my mom found out and I was rushed to counseling.
Many years of counseling and not much help.
I remember praying to God asking Him to just let me die in my sleep.

I remember college and how things only got worse from there.
My heart got more destroyed and broken in those years than it ever has.
I'd skip class, sleep, and cry in my dorm room.
I'd sit in the bathroom with the razor blade.
I'd never wanted to die more than I had wanted to those years.
I'd spent much time journaling my heartache to God.

These are just glimpses of it really.
I'm not sure my words can really describe those years and all that pain.
Really, only if I handed you my journal, but those are such private words.
I worked hard to overcome the pain, to overcome the desire to cut myself.
The truth though, it's still a struggle.
When I'm overwhelmed with life when its hard...
When I feel worthless and life feels hopeless...
When the past hits me out of nowhere...
When I feel like a horrible mom and wife...
Its still a struggle.
Just because I overcome it, doesn't mean I've fully overcome it.
For me, I can only overcome it a moment at a time.
I think that's the way it is with lots of struggles in life.
In the hard moments, I have to to give it to God.
I have to cry and pray to Him.
Lots and lots of that.
It's the only way I overcome it time and time again.
Without God I wouldn't be able to.
It is still hard, still painful with Him but He is the only one who can really carry me through.

I'm linking up with a fresh start on a budget for the September blogging challenge.