My heart hurt. It felt broken, crushed, but more than anything it felt angry.
I'd never felt so angry before. It consumed me. It was all I could think about.
I'd come home from work and I'd crawl into bed with my journal.
The tears, they'd fall almost instantly and they wouldn't stop.
I'd cry for hours, pleading with God to not make this all true.
I'd scribble in my journals angry words to God...
This can't be happening,
I don't deserve this,
Curse words, hate, bitterness, resentment, really ugly thoughts.
That whole summer my heart + mind were only on those things.
It was the worst time in my life,
but it was also the one time in my life that I felt the closest to God.
I refer to that summer as the summer from hell.
I've never been so angry in my life - not before and so far not yet.
I hope not ever again.
I do miss one thing though, from that time, and it is going to God with my heartache.
I'd never gone to God like that before and haven't really since then.
That needs to change. I know that, deep in my heart and soul.
There is always something to wrestle with God about.
Maybe it has to do with...
I've dealt with all these things in my life, like most people.
And it's time to wrestle with God about somethings.
A lot of things in my life need to change.
I believe, though, for me, that change starts when I go to Him and offer my heart.
Next week I'm going to aim to start getting up at 6:30...
And spending time with Him before the kids wake.
This will be extremely tough for me because honestly, I'm exhausted,
But I need this time with Him.
I need to wrestle with Him.
I need to find my strength and rest in Him!