Change My Heart

This morning I did my normal routine. 

Fed the kids, changed them, turned on cartoons for them to watch...

And then sat down to have my coffee, which I look forward to every single day. 

As I sat, thinking about my ever ending to do list 

(which really is clean the apartment, every single day) 

And what to blog about, I had a sick feeling not only in my stomach, but my heart. 

I knew what it was, as I often do, but this time I couldn't shake it. 

It overwhelmed me. My heart felt heavy. 

It was God reminding me that I need Him, that I can't live this life without Him. 

He was telling me that something needs to change. 

I knew He was right, so I picked up my Kindle...

And opened my Bible app to my latest She Reads Truth Plan. 

The first thing that stuck out to me this morning was a verse from Hebrews.
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart." Chapter 10: Verse 11.
Really, as I'm typing this post, I could cry.
Here God is telling me to come to Him with a sincere heart.
He isn't saying just come... just read my word and then go on with your day. Be sincere.
That part hit me hard, square in the gut because honestly, even when I do go to Him...
(which isn't as often as it should be),
it's rushed, so rushed that I'm usually unsure about what I've read and I still feel empty.
I feel no closer to God, unloved, unsaved, and like a huge giant mess of a person.
I kept on reading because I know I needed to. I didn't need just one verse, I needed more.

So, I read more words about Him and all He does for me.
He restores and redeems. He picks me up when I fall away!
He's my God and He is here with me.
All things I needed to hear, to be reminded of.

As I read more, I knew that something needed to change.
I wrote that out to Him... I told Him that I know He's right, that I do, need Him. So much!
It's not just about coming to Him, mindlessly reading His word, or mumbling a short prayer.
For me, that's not what it's about... it's about a heart change, a drastic one...
Because that is what my heart needs.

My heart needs to want to know Him more.
It needs to want to be closer to Him.
To read the word more and be in it, to pray prayers down on my knees.
I need Him to show Himself to me in a new light.
And not because who I know isn't enough,
but because everything in life has made it so I don't see.
So much is in the way.

Things need to drastically change on the inside,
but for me, I know that means things also need to change on the outside.
I need to be in the word because when I'm not I literally feel sick.
Life feels a whole lot messier than it actually is (Go figure),
And I lose my patience, love, kindness, understanding,
And so much more when I'm not in the word.
It means that other things have to wait, they need to.
That means the dirty dishes, the piles of laundry, my blog,
social media in general, and a whole lot more need to wait!
And I need to go to Him more. I need to ask Him for help more.
I need to ask Him...
"God, how do you want me to parent?"
"God, how can I love my husband more?"
"God, what should I do about this?"
"God, this is how I feel... this is my struggle..."
These things must change, these things must be asked.
That's what He told me today.

In all honesty, time with God is hard for me.
It's always been a struggle, which is why today I am saying,
"Lord, please change my heart in a drastic way. Only You can."

_______________________________________________________________
I know I'm not the only one out there with this struggle.
Do you struggle with this? Or have you?
What do you do to stay connected to God? To the word?
Tell me. Maybe it will help me out! =)