My hearts a little more healed

 

As I look at this photo a lot of emotion passes over me. 

I am so thankful and so full of joy. 

Did you know that I never thought I'd get married? That I never thought I'd have kids?

It isn't that I didn't want to, but I struggled so much with my past and depression, 

that I simply couldn't imagine I'd ever trust anyone enough for it to actually happen. 

If you read our story, then you know it took a lot 

for James to knock down the walls I had up. 

Here we are though, a family of five and while I still have some walls up, I've come so far. 

In college I was such a wreck. 

I went from sobbing in my bed, writing my prayers out to God,

to not being able to cry and drinking just so I could cry about all I was feeling deep inside. 

I remember so often feeling as if I was never going to overcome the pain 

that felt like it was destroying me from the inside. 

Then I graduated college and came home. 

I met James a few months after I graduated and thought he was completely crazy 

telling me he wanted to marry me soon after. 

I tried to run away multiple times, tried telling him about my past 

and how much it had messed me up, because surely he wouldn't want to marry me then! 

He listened to me a lot during that time, but never thought I was crazy,

was never freaked out so much that he wanted to run away from me! 

We got married not even a year after meeting and started having babies soon after.

I share these words for a reason today. 

So often I struggle with my past. 

There are days where I feel like it is punching me in the stomach.

There are nights where I dream about it and it leaves me in a funk all day long. 

There are times where I wonder if I'm ever going to fully move on and hurt less.

There are moments where it can bring both of us down because it really hurts our hearts. 

I want to say though, to someone maybe struggling right now, 

in feeling like the pain is never going to end, it gets better. 

You may be in a season of life that is so painful that you can't breathe. 

You may feel like it's never going to end and that you want to die. 

Maybe you're even thinking about ending it all. I get that! I've been there! 

Hold on though because maybe time doesn't heal all wounds, 

but I fully believe time makes the pain a little less painful and more bearable. 

One day you won't be sobbing in your bed. 

You'll be able to get out of bed and move forward.

One day you won't be reaching for the razor blade, but throwing it in the trash. 

One day you won't be screaming that you trust no one 

because there will be someone there worth trusting.

One day life will feel somewhat normal and you'll look back amazed at how far you've come. 

I still hurt today. I still feel more pain than I want to, OFTEN.

Yet, I know I've healed a lot and come so far. 

I'm thankful for the people that have helped me overcome so much .

My friends, my husband and kids, counselors, and God.

Without them I wouldn't be here, in this place, knowing things are going to be okay. 

I may still hurt, I may still cry, 

but years down the road I'll look back at this time a little more healed.

You will too friend. I'm here if you need someone. 

Maybe it's more than my story

I was walking from the campus library back to my dorm room.
It was a day, much like today -- gloomy with rain falling.
I remember looking up through the trees, toward the sky, talking to God.
I thanked God for bringing me to this Christian college.
I was so grateful. It was a blessing to be there,
especially after all the obstacles of getting there.
I just knew the next four years were going to be good ones.
I was going to make friends last would last forever, get a good education,
and grow in my relationship with Jesus.

That sort of happened, but not really.

^^^My senior year of college^^^

I came to college kind of a mess.
I had struggled with depression since I was thirteen
and it only got worse after I started dating an older boy when I was in high school.
I thought when I went to college it would be a fresh start
and I that's what my heart was longing for.
I didn't think my depression could get any worse.
I didn't think that was even possible.
I was wrong though. So very wrong.
In all honesty I don't try to remember everything about college
because doing so has the ability to pull me down quickly,
but I do remember moments of when things changed.
Mostly centered around getting sucked into a bad relationship.

When that happened things changed so quickly and drastically.
No longer was I thanking God for bringing to that place.
Instead I was crying in my bed, skipping class, and asking Him why?
Instead I was slipping into the bathroom with a razor blade
or cursing life on the pages of my journal.
Instead I was thinking about going home or transferring to a different college.

Today though, as I think about all of it, I'm thinking about it a bit differently.
While that time of my life still has the ability to weigh heavily on my heart,
it's shaped who I am and I believe fully led me to this beautiful life.
As I think about parts of my story, I can't help but think that it's not all about me.
Maybe God allowed these parts of my life to be part of my life,
so it could be part of someone else's life.

These moments in my life have shaped me into a person
whose a bit more compassionate, a little less judgmental, more understanding.
Maybe the pain in my life isn't just about pain, but it's there so I can be relatable.
So people can come to me and share their story with me.
Then, maybe they can find some healing and I can too.
Maybe my life -- the good, the bad, the downright ugly, can show that there is hope.
Hope that God can carry you through the hard parts in life,
even if you don't feel like He's there.
Hope that you can make it through and come out stronger, better.
Hope that in the end it will be alright.

And, incase you're wondering I did make some pretty great friends.

So, even though it is a struggle for me to share I will continue to share.
Do you struggle in sharing your story? Why?
I encourage you to try because maybe someone needs to hear it!

My Struggle To Be Vulnerable

A while ago I wrote on a post on the longing I have for mom friends. 

I feel like I've made some effort in that area in connecting with a few moms, 

going to Bible study and even just beginning to be apart of thrive local. 

However, even in taking baby steps it's still super hard for me. 

I can talk to other moms about mom things or day to day life things, 

but I can't seem to go any deeper than that, can't seem to have a real, 

meaningful conversation. 

This isn't just a struggle I have with mom friends. 

I have this struggle also with my close girlfriends. Even with my husband. 

I want to be vulnerable, open, real. 

I want to share my heart, my life. 

I long for it more than I can even put into words,

but it feels like it's impossible. 

Every time I want to be vulnerable I literally feel stress on my body.

My chest feels tight, my shoulders feel weighed down, and I get a lump in my throat. 

Even here, writing this, I feel those things. 

Sometimes I push past it, but often even when I do, I wish I hadn't. 

Why is this, I ask myself? Why can't I just speak what's on my heart? 

Honestly, I think deep down that's who I am. 

A woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, shares her life, 

and feels deeply connected to others.

However, even though that woman is inside of me, 

longing to come out, she can't no matter how much she wishes she could.

I know that this isn't just a struggle about being vulnerable, 

but it's more about being paralyzed with fear. 

I'm so afraid of being judged.

Being judged because of choices I've made, things I feel, and the life I live. 

I know that no one really has that right to judge, 

that God's judgement is really all that matters. 

However, I'm still terrified of it. 

I'm terrified that judgement will cripple me even more. 

That's how I feel - crippled by the thought of even being a little open, a little real. 

I also know that more than likely some people won't judge me, 

some people will relate, but I automatically jump to thoughts like, 

"Everyone will think I'm a horrible person!"

"Everyone will think, wow, I can't believe she calls herself a Christian!" 

"Everyone will think that's stupid, dumb, ridiculous!" 

On and on those thoughts wiggle their way into my mind and sit on my heart. 

On top of being judged I struggle so much with thinking I'm going to be hurt again. 

I just don't think there's any of me left to be hurt.

It has a lot to do my depression story and being in an abusive relationship. 

It also has to do with the loss of a friend. 

To sum it up, it's about my lack of trusting people. 

If you ask me who I trust I struggle to come up with an answer. 

I struggle to trust anyone, even God. 

That hurts a lot, admitting it. 

I long for that one friend I feel I can completely trust. 

I know they are there. That's it's not other people, it's me. 

I'm so jealous of those women who have that in their friendship. 

I long for that relationship with God where I don't struggle in the walls coming down,

but I do. Even with Him, I do. 

Here I am though, in this space, trying to be more vulnerable. 

I am thankful this space because even though I find it hard to be completely vulnerable, 

even here, it helps me to somewhat break down the walls I have thrown up over the years.

To those who read, who encourage, who want to hear my heart, thank you. 

I appreciate it more than words can say. 

Depression: My Story

The passing of Robin Williams brought me to tears last night. 
Today, I want to share my story with depression. 
As I even think about writing this there's a lump in my throat.
I'm afraid that I'll offend or upset people close to me.
More so though I'm afraid of the judgement. 
I fully believe that judgement isn't for anyone else but God to make.
I don't want to live a life where I don't share my story because I'm afraid. 
So here I am, sharing my story, hoping that maybe it will help someone else.
To some, this may be graphic (FYI).
Please be kind. 

It started in sixth grade.
I didn't know what it was, all I knew is that I felt terribly sad.
I would sit in the bottom of my bunk bed and cry even though I was told to stop crying.
When I was home alone I would lightly run a knife blade over my wrist.
In school I'd pretend that my hand was a gun and like I was shooting myself in the head.
My gym teacher used to call me "smiley" in school, but then one day,
I remember overhearing her tell my music teacher that I had an attitude.
I'll never forget hearing those words and wishing everything was different.
My teacher informed the school counselor of my issues and I talked to her a few times.
I didn't know how to express myself though, not even through all the talking.

I didn't know how to explain...
That even though my parents divorced when I was two,
it was still hard and it affected me, especially because my dad wasn't really there.
How angry I was with my dad because I didn't get to see my half brother.
He cheated on his mom too and they moved away because of it.
That the death of my friend, when I was in third grade, still made my heart ache.
How getting my heart broken by a boy, hurt. Even though I was only in 6th grade.
I didn't know how to express what my heart was feeling when it came to any of it.
All I knew was that I was sad, but I wasn't suppose to cry, according to some.

I wish things had gotten better after that.
I wished that a lot growing up, but things seemed to only get worse.

In junior high school I struggled with making friends.
Mostly, I think it was because I was depressed and that's hard for people,
especially young people, to know how to handle.
I don't blame the friends I lost because I do know it's tough.
Because of this I spent a lot of time on the internet and really without supervision.
I spent a lot of time in chat rooms and talked to a lot of people I shouldn't have.
Once I talked to a guy and gave him my phone number.
He called me (I had my own phone line at the time) and we talked often on the phone.
My parents came to know about him.
Somehow we were allowed to meet (with limited supervision) and we began dating.
Did I mention he was eighteen and I was fifteen?
Not the best decision because really, I was still a child.
He wasn't and things happened that shouldn't have.
I won't go into detail here about that, because its something that's still hard for me.
Plus, I'm assuming you guys don't need explanation of that one.
Poor choices were made by many and I take some responsibility in that,
but I was still a child and pretty immature when it came to everything it involved.
When things ended in that "relationship" my heart was broken.
I'd never felt a pain so bad in my entire life.
I just wanted someone to love me.
I didn't understand why he didn't love me or what was wrong with me.
This was something I've struggled with greatly most of my life, until now.
I became more depressed and started cutting myself.
My parents tried to help, but really I don't think they knew how to handle it all.
I was put on medicine, went to counseling, was in the hospital for a little bit.
Some days I felt better, but mostly I just felt like I was in a dark hole of great blackness.

Things didn't get better for a while.
I struggled with deep depression until I was a senior in high school.
I cut myself a lot and wished I would die.
I would lie in my bed crying at night, praying to God, asking Him to just let me die.
Things got better until I went to college and then the hardest part of my life hit me square in the face.

^^^Me, my junior year of college^^^

In all honesty when I first went to Tabor, a private Christian college,
I thought life would be so much better.
I had become a Christian my senior year and I felt more happy that I'd been in a long time.
The struggle was still there, but I didn't want to die anymore.
Then I met him and my world completely tumbled down around me.

I'm hesitant to write about this relationship.
It not only caused me pain, but has caused others pain as well.
I dated him (I don't say his name anymore) off and on until my senior year of college.
We broke up and got back together probably twenty times over the course of three years.
Part of me doesn't remember a lot about it because in order to deal with it, I think I blocked a lot out.
I remember making poor choices with him,
that again left me wishing there was a bridge to jump off from.
I remember being called a slut and bitch by him. Often.
I remember him playing cruel jokes on me just because he could.
I remember the lies he'd tell me and how he'd laugh at me.
I remember him telling me he loved me,
yet I was always left wondering if it was just so he could get what he wanted.
I became so depressed in college.
Instead of going to class, I would sit in my dorm and cry or sleep.
Instead of having fun, I'd slip into the bathroom and slit my wrist.
It was apparent that I needed help and I tried, but nothing seemed to help.
I felt like I was drowning in darkness.
I felt smothered by the pain of it all and struggled with functioning.
It's something I can't really explain, the weight I had on my heart.
I didn't think the darkness would ever let up.
I never thought I'd stop crying tears or that I'd want to live.
I was so confused about what love was.
I thought I was in love and that he loved me.
I was wrong in that.
Love doesn't call you names.
Love doesn't play cruel jokes on you.
Love doesn't make you feel worthless.
Love doesn't cause you harm.
Love doesn't make you want to end your life.
It wasn't love.
It was only me searching for love.
It was only me confused about love because I'd never knew anything else.
It was only him hurting me because he was hurt and hurting people, hurt people.

I wish that I'd been able to pull myself out of the relationship,
but I hadn't been able to. Not until the summer after my junior year.
That summer he played the cruelest joke on me and something in me was just done.
I can't bring myself to go into detail here about it because it's a very private matter.
I made poor choices and literally thought I was going to die soon because of those choices.
That summer I spent all my extra time sobbing in my bed or in the shower, so no one would hear me.
I would journal my prayers to God.
My journal from that time is full of hurt, anger, and fear.
It was one of my lowest moments in life,
that summer but also when I was the closest to God.
I prayed and cried out to God so much then.
He was there always and I'm thankful that He carried me through it all.
I struggled with this throughout my senior year,
but again I didn't know how to express it all.
I started drinking in college because it was the only way I could cry.
I had stuffed my feelings down so far, that drinking was the only way the tears fell.
My senior year was a mess and I left college even a bigger mess than when I had started.

^^^ Friends that helped carry me through^^^

I came back home after college, still struggling.
I was depressed and angry.
I was scared for my future and what my life would look like.
Then, I met my husband and I was even more fearful.
We hung out a lot and talk about all things.
I shared with him about my past.
I shared all the mistakes, all the pain, all the times I hurt myself.
He listened and loved me nonetheless.
He told me he wanted to marry me and I thought he was nuts.
He still pursued me and showed me what real love was suppose to be like.

I don't know why God placed James in my life.
I didn't expect him to come into my life.
I didn't believe that anyone could ever truly love me.
But God did and James does love me more than anyone ever has.
Sometimes I still struggle with depression.
At times, it can be because of my past or circumstances in life.
Other times it washes over me for reasons I cannot pinpoint.
It can be a daily struggle to get out of bed or to not cause harm to myself.
Often the only way I can deal with it all is talking to my husband
and journaling my prayers.
There's usually always tears involved.
I don't always win, but I have good support from my husband and my God.

This is my story when it comes to depression.
It's been hard and I know throughout my life it will be a struggle.
I know that some of these issues (maybe a lot of them) are because of choices I've made.
I'm not happy with all the choices I've made in my life.
I know many may think, "You're a Christian and you did that?"
To that I say, I'm not perfect. I'm human. I'm a sinner.
Even though I don't necessarily believe God wanted all these things in my life,
He has used it to shape my life and who I am.

I fully believe that all these struggles, all the depression,
led me to where I am in my life and this life I have,
it's not always easy, but it's a blessing.

This is just a glimpse of my story. 
Like I said, it hasn't been easy, but I believe the story has shaped my life. 
If you struggle with depression please reach out to someone, anyone, even if it's here. 
I wouldn't have gotten through these times in my life without reaching out. 
I had good friends in college who were there for me. 
I've also had my husband and my God to help carry me.
I know I wouldn't have made it without them.
If you struggle, reach out. If you know someone struggling, each out.
Also be nicer than you feel because you may never know if someone is struggling. 
You may just save a life this way.