Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The loss of a friend (and the lessons it taught me)

As far back as I can remember I've always had a best friend.
In elementary school it was someone I enjoyed playing with,
but as I grew the term "best friend" became to mean something different.
A best friend became someone to not only enjoy time with,
but also to share heartaches, secrets, and life with.

I met the girl I knew would forever be my best friend in college.
I think it was an unexpected friendship,
but one that really kept me going in college when I felt like I couldn't.
College was painful, to say the least.
There's no doubt in my mind that it has been the hardest part of my life.
Without this friend, there are times I would have hurt myself.
There were even instances where I probably would have tried to end my life.
Or maybe times I would have succeeded.

By the end of college though, everything changed.
We experienced some similar heartaches in college, some similar pains.
Some how I'd gotten in my head that I knew better than her.
That I had somehow come through my rough parts smarter and wiser than her.
I thought I knew what choices she should make and got angry when she didn't.
It was completely ridiculous and horrible, not to mention hurtful.
I think that was part of having gone through so much awful,
I couldn't see that I will still in the midst of it, that I was still broken.
I couldn't see that I really didn't know crap
and that I was trying to push on her, the decisions I wish I'd made.
It sounds like such a huge mess just typing it out and it was.

All that was too much for our friendship to bear.
I still remember the day things felt different and the day we stopped speaking.
The last two months of college without her hurt a lot.
There was a crushing pain on my heart without her, masked by a lot of anger.
And it lasted for a while after college.
I still remember sitting on my bed, in my parents house crying because I missed her.
I still feel the ache in my heart even though we've reconciled and are friends.
It's just different, very different.
In ways it should be and in ways I wish it wasn't.

It taught me a lot though...
having her as a friend and losing what we had in our friendship.
It taught me that I'm a huge control freak (still am) and really need to work on that.
It taught me that I really don't need to carry every single burden on my shoulders.
It taught me that I just need to love people instead of judge people.
It also taught me that sometimes I just need to breathe and let things go.
All things that are hard for me, things I have to work on daily,
but things I've gotten maybe, kind of, better at. At least I hope.

I know these things are important is all relationships.
In friendships, in my marriage and with my kids.
If you're too judgmental and controlling, you really have no time to just love.
And that's what life is really about... loving.

Have you lost a friendship or relationship because of something similar?
Has it taught you anything life changing?
I know these lessons are ones I won't soon forget!

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