A while ago I wrote on a post on the longing I have for mom friends.
I feel like I've made some effort in that area in connecting with a few moms,
going to Bible study and even just beginning to be apart of thrive local.
However, even in taking baby steps it's still super hard for me.
I can talk to other moms about mom things or day to day life things,
but I can't seem to go any deeper than that, can't seem to have a real,
This isn't just a struggle I have with mom friends.
I have this struggle also with my close girlfriends. Even with my husband.
I want to be vulnerable, open, real.
I want to share my heart, my life.
I long for it more than I can even put into words,
but it feels like it's impossible.
Every time I want to be vulnerable I literally feel stress on my body.
My chest feels tight, my shoulders feel weighed down, and I get a lump in my throat.
Even here, writing this, I feel those things.
Sometimes I push past it, but often even when I do, I wish I hadn't.
Why is this, I ask myself? Why can't I just speak what's on my heart?
Honestly, I think deep down that's who I am.
A woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, shares her life,
and feels deeply connected to others.
However, even though that woman is inside of me,
longing to come out, she can't no matter how much she wishes she could.
I know that this isn't just a struggle about being vulnerable,
but it's more about being paralyzed with fear.
I'm so afraid of being judged.
Being judged because of choices I've made, things I feel, and the life I live.
I know that no one really has that right to judge,
that God's judgement is really all that matters.
However, I'm still terrified of it.
I'm terrified that judgement will cripple me even more.
That's how I feel - crippled by the thought of even being a little open, a little real.
I also know that more than likely some people won't judge me,
some people will relate, but I automatically jump to thoughts like,
"Everyone will think I'm a horrible person!"
"Everyone will think, wow, I can't believe she calls herself a Christian!"
"Everyone will think that's stupid, dumb, ridiculous!"
On and on those thoughts wiggle their way into my mind and sit on my heart.
On top of being judged I struggle so much with thinking I'm going to be hurt again.
I just don't think there's any of me left to be hurt.
It also has to do with the loss of a friend.
To sum it up, it's about my lack of trusting people.
If you ask me who I trust I struggle to come up with an answer.
I struggle to trust anyone, even God.
That hurts a lot, admitting it.
I long for that one friend I feel I can completely trust.
I know they are there. That's it's not other people, it's me.
I'm so jealous of those women who have that in their friendship.
I long for that relationship with God where I don't struggle in the walls coming down,
but I do. Even with Him, I do.
Here I am though, in this space, trying to be more vulnerable.
I am thankful this space because even though I find it hard to be completely vulnerable,
even here, it helps me to somewhat break down the walls I have thrown up over the years.
To those who read, who encourage, who want to hear my heart, thank you.
I appreciate it more than words can say.