Thursday, October 9, 2014

Maybe it's more than my story

I was walking from the campus library back to my dorm room.
It was a day, much like today -- gloomy with rain falling.
I remember looking up through the trees, toward the sky, talking to God.
I thanked God for bringing me to this Christian college.
I was so grateful. It was a blessing to be there,
especially after all the obstacles of getting there.
I just knew the next four years were going to be good ones.
I was going to make friends last would last forever, get a good education,
and grow in my relationship with Jesus.

That sort of happened, but not really.

^^^My senior year of college^^^
I came to college kind of a mess.
I had struggled with depression since I was thirteen
and it only got worse after I started dating an older boy when I was in high school.
I thought when I went to college it would be a fresh start
and I that's what my heart was longing for.
I didn't think my depression could get any worse.
I didn't think that was even possible.
I was wrong though. So very wrong.
In all honesty I don't try to remember everything about college
because doing so has the ability to pull me down quickly,
but I do remember moments of when things changed.
Mostly centered around getting sucked into a bad relationship.

When that happened things changed so quickly and drastically.
No longer was I thanking God for bringing to that place.
Instead I was crying in my bed, skipping class, and asking Him why?
Instead I was slipping into the bathroom with a razor blade
or cursing life on the pages of my journal.
Instead I was thinking about going home or transferring to a different college.

Today though, as I think about all of it, I'm thinking about it a bit differently.
While that time of my life still has the ability to weigh heavily on my heart,
it's shaped who I am and I believe fully led me to this beautiful life.
As I think about parts of my story, I can't help but think that it's not all about me.
Maybe God allowed these parts of my life to be part of my life,
so it could be part of someone else's life.

These moments in my life have shaped me into a person
whose a bit more compassionate, a little less judgmental, more understanding.
Maybe the pain in my life isn't just about pain, but it's there so I can be relatable.
So people can come to me and share their story with me.
Then, maybe they can find some healing and I can too.
Maybe my life -- the good, the bad, the downright ugly, can show that there is hope.
Hope that God can carry you through the hard parts in life,
even if you don't feel like He's there.
Hope that you can make it through and come out stronger, better.
Hope that in the end it will be alright.

And, incase you're wondering I did make some pretty great friends.

So, even though it is a struggle for me to share I will continue to share.
Do you struggle in sharing your story? Why?
I encourage you to try because maybe someone needs to hear it!

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