Tuesday, December 2, 2014

My hearts a little more healed


As I look at this photo a lot of emotion passes over me. 
I am so thankful and so full of joy. 
Did you know that I never thought I'd get married? That I never thought I'd have kids?
It isn't that I didn't want to, but I struggled so much with my past and depression
that I simply couldn't imagine I'd ever trust anyone enough for it to actually happen. 
If you read our story, then you know it took a lot 
for James to knock down the walls I had up. 
Here we are though, a family of five and while I still have some walls up, I've come so far. 

In college I was such a wreck. 
I went from sobbing in my bed, writing my prayers out to God,
to not being able to cry and drinking just so I could cry about all I was feeling deep inside. 
I remember so often feeling as if I was never going to overcome the pain 
that felt like it was destroying me from the inside. 

Then I graduated college and came home. 
I met James a few months after I graduated and thought he was completely crazy 
telling me he wanted to marry me soon after. 
I tried to run away multiple times, tried telling him about my past 
and how much it had messed me up, because surely he wouldn't want to marry me then! 
He listened to me a lot during that time, but never thought I was crazy,
was never freaked out so much that he wanted to run away from me! 
We got married not even a year after meeting and started having babies soon after.

I share these words for a reason today. 
So often I struggle with my past. 
There are days where I feel like it is punching me in the stomach.
There are nights where I dream about it and it leaves me in a funk all day long. 
There are times where I wonder if I'm ever going to fully move on and hurt less.
There are moments where it can bring both of us down because it really hurts our hearts. 
I want to say though, to someone maybe struggling right now, 
in feeling like the pain is never going to end, it gets better. 
You may be in a season of life that is so painful that you can't breathe. 
You may feel like it's never going to end and that you want to die. 
Maybe you're even thinking about ending it all. I get that! I've been there! 
Hold on though because maybe time doesn't heal all wounds, 
but I fully believe time makes the pain a little less painful and more bearable. 
One day you won't be sobbing in your bed. 
You'll be able to get out of bed and move forward.
One day you won't be reaching for the razor blade, but throwing it in the trash. 
One day you won't be screaming that you trust no one 
because there will be someone there worth trusting.
One day life will feel somewhat normal and you'll look back amazed at how far you've come. 

I still hurt today. I still feel more pain than I want to, OFTEN.
Yet, I know I've healed a lot and come so far. 
I'm thankful for the people that have helped me overcome so much .
My friends, my husband and kids, counselors, and God.
Without them I wouldn't be here, in this place, knowing things are going to be okay. 
I may still hurt, I may still cry, 
but years down the road I'll look back at this time a little more healed.
You will too friend. I'm here if you need someone. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad you are feeling a bit less hurt these days. We learn and grow from our pasts but they will never define us - even the yucky hurtful things. You are beautiful, friend, inside and out!! I'm grateful for you!


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