I sat, as the kids played quietly in the other room.
And the tears, they streamed down my face.
First, they were just small tears,
but then they became bigger and I was trying hard not to sob.
All I could think was, "This is what I've been missing."
And, "This is what motherhood is suppose to feel like."
You see, I've known for a while now that things have needed to change.
Not just things in the day to day, but in my heart.
Most days I'd wake up and think, "How can I make it until nap time?"
And then, "how can I make it until bed time?"
Because motherhood is exhausting and it can suck you dry.
When its done sucking you dry, it sucks you dry some more.
I've felt sucked dry. I've felt tired. I've felt angry and frustrated.
Being that way, feeling that way, doesn't make motherhood enjoyable.
I know I needed an attitude change, a heart change.
This challenge, to enjoy motherhood, that is what its doing.
It's changing my heart and changing my days.
We've had some of the best days this week.
I'm realizing more what my kids need from me.
They need a mom who is present, not distracted.
They don't care if the house is a mess or if there is a pile of laundry to fold.
They don't worry about things on the internet...
(okay, well maybe Braden does because hello, netflix and games - his favorite).
Maeva just wants me to hold her.
She wants me to kiss and tickle her.
She wants to giggle and have me laugh back because its contagious, that laugh of hers.
Braden just wants me to play cars with him and watch veggie tales.
He wants to crawl up next to me and lay his head on my shoulder.
He wants to me to draw with him and read a book to him.
They just want their mom to be there and be focused on them.
Its not always the easiest thing for me, to get down to their level.
Its hard to stop what's on my to-do list and just be with my kids.
But, when I did this week, I felt much more joy than I have in a long time.
Braden and Maeva, they felt more love. I could see it in their eyes and attitudes.
My heart felt changed by that,
knowing that I don't need to try so hard to be a better mom.
Really, all I need to do is be with my kids.
I just need to hold them, play with them, love them.
It changes us all. I'm so thankful to feel this change and see it too!