Thursday, May 22, 2014

I didn't want to be a mother

I've been in a mom-funk all week long. 
It's been pretty darn awful for me and I imagine, the kids. 
I've woken up most the week thinking, 
"I don't want to do this. I can't do this mother thing today." 
During the evening I would even start to dread getting up in the morning. 
Yesterday morning as I was still in bed,
all I could think about is how much I didn't want to get up.
I wanted to pull the blankets tight around me and ignore all responsibility. 
But of course, that's not really an option when you're a mom!
I knew as much as I didn't want to do the day, I had to.
And I didn't want it to be like the previous two days.
So, I decided the park was the best option. 

I got the kids up, fed them breakfast, nursed Sutton and then we were on our way. 
I pushed the girls in the stroller and Braden ran down the side walk, 
making sure to "hold the stroller" each time we crossed the street. 
They got so excited when the park came into view and I knew this was the right choice. 
Braden and Maeva can wear me out 
and make me feel like I am really going to lose my mind.
Yet, at the park they are free and having fun. 
It's good for us all and I know that this is something I need to do more with my kids. 
Things need to change around here, for me, as a stay-at-home mama. 

I decided something today as a mom. 
I don't want to look back on my life and regret how I spent my time as a SAHM. 
I want to look back, knowing I did well with that short time spent with my kids. 
They won't be at home forever, so this time, it needs to be treasured. 
They need to know they are treasured and so loved. 
Toddlerhood is rough and at times, because of that,
I don't think I always convey that to them.
I want to change that and it starts here, now, TODAY. 

I'm going to aim to be more present. 
I won't be perfect at it because I really never can be perfect. 
However, I know I can do better. 
So the mornings, when we awake, that time will be for them. 
Maybe it will be the park or simply out in the backyard. 
Maybe it will be doing some type of activity. 
Or maybe something completely different. 
I know that this will be a good thing for all of us. 
They'll feel loved and more joyful. 
I will have less mom guilt and I hope that because of it all,
I won't have a ton of days where I don't want to wake up 
and face the responsibilities of motherhood. 

The love I feel for these kids is indescribable. 
There could never be enough words.
They are my life and they deserve a life where their mom is a lot more present! 
I'm looking forward to living a more full life with all my babies! 

Do you struggle in being present with your kids? 
Have you done anything to change it? What are your tips?

1 comment:

  1. I like this post. It describes 'our' days perfectly as SAHM of so-many-littles-so-close-together.
    It is so hard to be loving when you are so exhausted and annoyed and overwhelmed. I feel it constantly. The park is definitely a saving grace over here too!!!! It is calming for everyone (even if it takes thirty minutes to get the kids to stop running around and get dressed and go potty, only to pee themselves on the way out the door). It is worth the hassle to get that ounce of freedom!
    And I feel exactly the same. When my attitude is rotten I feel like (and make my husband feel like) I portray that I would rather be doing something else. I SO WOULDN'T! I would not want to do anything other than staying at home with these precious people and caring for them 24/7! It is just hard to portray that sometimes. Thanks for the honesty and encouragement (as always).
    Right here with ya sister.
    Beautiful pictures, by the way.


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