The worst friend

I managed to get a day behind in the September blogging challenge, so today's post was actually suppose to be yesterday's post. Preggo brain, I tell ya! ;)

The prompt was the worst day/event in your life.
Truthfully I know the worst event in my life...
(I wrote vaguely about it here),
but I can't bring myself to be anymore honest about it here on my blog.
Certain things are just too personal and affect not only myself, but others as well.
I've decided to share something else I've thought about sharing before.
I want to tell you about the time I was a horrible friend, the worst actually.
This is definitely one of those times that sticks out as one of the worst events in my life.

^^^Me, that summer^^^

The summer between my sophomore and junior year in college,

it was suppose to be a great one. 

I wasn't going to go back home, but live with a friend and her family. 

She was younger than me and I thought of her as a sister. 

We had a great relationship or so I thought, 

but when you start a relationship based on dislike for a guy you've both dated, 

it probably isn't that great of a relationship. 

I had high hopes for that summer. 

I looked forward to getting closer to this friend

because I really believed we could be best friends.

However, that guy came back to town and everything went horribly wrong from there. 

If you read this post, then you know that I had an extremely hard time getting away from said guy. 

That summer was no different...

and because my friend was still heart broken from that relationship,

it turned everything into a huge gigantic mess. 

I didn't stop seeing him that summer and it destroyed that relationship. 

I want to say that was one of the hardest summers of my life. 

It definitely is up there on the "this sucks" list. 

I struggled so much, I felt pulled in so many different directions. 

I remember her mom coming to me, asking me what was going on. 

I don't remember how I responded, but I remember how I wanted to respond and didn't. 

My heart and head were screaming, "HELP ME!" 

Because the truth is... I needed help, so much help. 

I needed a parent that summer. 

I needed someone to stop me from destroying myself and that friendship.

I didn't ask though, so I didn't get it. 

The summer was hard. I crushed my friends heart. I betrayed her. We stopped talking. 

Then, I went back to college and the guilt hit me full force. 

I don't know why it took me so long to realize how horrible I'd been. 

Honestly, I think I knew I was being awful, 

but I was so wrapped up in my own pain, 

I didn't know what to do or how to stop what was going on. 

I tried to mend it. I tried to get out of that relationship. 

I couldn't though. I wasn't strong enough and truthfully, I was so selfish. 

I cried many tears over this. 

Knowing that I had hurt my friend so deeply caused me a lot of pain. 

I hate hurting people. Such a horrible feeling knowing you've caused others heartache.

I felt sick about it constantly. 

I felt ashamed and guilty. 

I remember being on my knees in my room sobbing to God about how sorry I was, 

how I wish I'd never been so horrible, 

how I just wanted forgiveness,

and how I missed her desperately. 

It was one of the hardest things I'd dealt with. 

It may seem silly to some, but like I wrote yesterday, I feel deeply. 

I still think about her often. 

I still struggle with the guilt. 

My heart still aches knowing how horrible I was, how awful I made another person feel.

I hate hurting people. 

I think theres a lesson in every mistake we make. 

I cringe to say this was a mistake because it feels so big, 

but really I just messed up big time. 

The lesson though? For me, it was that I need to be a little less concerned with myself. 

I needed to work on being a better friend and I tried really hard after this. 

I wasn't always the best friend to people. 

Gosh, I've messed up more times than I want to admit. 

But I've tried and I am so thankful for the friends I do have.

The ones who stuck by me, loved me, and forgave me every time I did mess up.