Things on my mind

There's been a lot on my mind lately and I wish I had a place to put them. 

So, here are some of my thoughts, that maybe I'd expand on if I were more vulnerable. 

Speaking of being vulnerable... its so hard. I need to be more open, I need to be more trusting.

Why is it so difficult for me? Why do I shudder at the thought? Why am I so fearful?

I have the cutest little boy in the entire world. And I cannot believe this baby bump. Or the fact that I'm going to have two to love and care for. Kinda freaks me out. 

The past is haunting and I wonder when it won't be, if it ever won't be. 

There's so much I want to write about, blog about... but I'm fearful of doing so. I didn't used to be so fearful of expressing myself in words, but I am now and I hate that.

This weather is absolutely beautiful. In the 60's in February. Crazy!

Why hasn't Braden said "Mama" yet? Will he ever or will he just call us both "dada" forever?

I feel like the laziest pregnant person. I really should fold that mountain of laundry, but I don't want to.

I don't play with my son enough. I know I don't. I have so much to work on as a mama and I wonder will I ever feel like I really know what I'm doing? 

Worry about friends, family, money... so much in life to worry about. I know I need to trust God will it all. Help me to trust You more God.

I'm emotionally a mess. That's how I've felt lately...anyway.

I don't want to go to church. I'm admitting that to myself (and to you) because I'm afraid that everyone sees what I've done wrong, all my mistakes. I know thats wrong, but I feel that in my heart. 

I have a lot to work on in my relationship with God and I should do that NOW. I want Him to be the biggest part of my life... the biggest part of my family, but if I don't work on it now, it won't ever be and that would tragic. 

I need to drink more water. 

I love my husband and my son so much... I don't know what I'd do without them. 

My husband is so supportive and loving. I'm so thankful for that. I don't tell him that enough. 

I miss my close girlfriends. 

Life is good. There are so many blessings and I need to focus more on those. 

Just a bit of my mind. What's on yours? 

Rant and Rave: Writing

Last week I started my rant and rave about something you love post. I wrote about my new passion for photography, but this passion, I've had for some time. I love to write. It started when I was in junior high. I put my thoughts and feelings into poetry. Then in high school I started to journal, but it was more in letter form. I wrote letters to God. Its kind of the way I pray. 

Those journals above are all from college. Yep, four years of my life in 12 journals. Crazy huh? 

I apparently needed to pray a lot in college. 

Its true. 

I thought I'd share something I wrote. Its from college, but a poem. I'd share something else, but sometimes my writing was a bit on the nuts-o, emotional side. Don't want to scare you. Those prayers are for Gods ears.

At Your Feet:

My heart is something I should lay before you

You've been calling it for so long

Fully and surely I should give it all

I should You all my 

Tears and heartache

Sins and failures

Pride and unforgiveness

Past and all my life

Lay them at Your feet

Yet, when the pressure starts to hit me

And I feel the tears begging to fall

My heart isn't something I can lay before you

Even though You've been calling it for so long

Fully and surely I hide it from You

I hold back all my

Tears and heartaches

Sins and failures

Pride and unforgiveness

My past and all my life

I can't lay them at Your feet

I know You're still calling to my heart

You'll call to it constantly until I give You all my

Tears and heartaches

Sins and failures

Pride and unforgiveness

Past and all my life

You will call until I can muster up the courage to lay them at Your feet

You've been calling my heart, Lord

Now I'm calling back to Yours

I cannot do this on my own

I need You to grab my hand Lord

And lead me to the cross

There You'll take my heart in Your hands and help  me give it all

There You will take my 

Tears and heartaches

Comfort me

There You will take my

Sins and failures

Wipe them clean

There You will take my

Pride and unforgivness

Shape me

There You will take my past and all my life

Love me

Still you will love me

                                 - September 18, 2009

Sometimes writing is the only way I can get my thoughts and feelings out.

I just love to fill up a notebook. It leaves a satisfied feeling and I think God it so I enjoy writing for a reason - its how I've connected to Him for so long. 

I'll be back later with my 30 by 30 challenge post.