Time to wrestle with Him

My heart hurt. It felt broken, crushed, but more than anything it felt angry.
I'd never felt so angry before. It consumed me. It was all I could think about.
I'd come home from work and I'd crawl into bed with my journal.
The tears, they'd fall almost instantly and they wouldn't stop.
I'd cry for hours, pleading with God to not make this all true.
I'd scribble in my journals angry words to God...
This can't be happening,
I don't deserve this,
Curse words, hate, bitterness, resentment, really ugly thoughts.
That whole summer my heart + mind were only on those things.
It was the worst time in my life,
but it was also the one time in my life that I felt the closest to God.

I refer to that summer as the summer from hell.
I've never been so angry in my life - not before and so far not yet.
I hope not ever again.
I do miss one thing though, from that time, and it is going to God with my heartache.
I'd never gone to God like that before and haven't really since then.
That needs to change. I know that, deep in my heart and soul.
There is always something to wrestle with God about.
Maybe it's...
Anger,
Unforgiveness,
Guilt,
Shame,
Heartache.
Maybe it has to do with...
Your past,
Future,
Marriage,
Children,
Loss,
Sin.
I've dealt with all these things in my life, like most people.
And it's time to wrestle with God about somethings.

A lot of things in my life need to change.
I believe, though, for me, that change starts when I go to Him and offer my heart.
Next week I'm going to aim to start getting up at 6:30...
And spending time with Him before the kids wake.
This will be extremely tough for me because honestly, I'm exhausted,
But I need this time with Him.
I need to wrestle with Him.
I need to find my strength and rest in Him!

Praying for a change of heart

I'm in need of a heart change, an attitude adjustment. 

I try to be a good wife, but so often I fall short. 

I'm negative, moody, naggy, and sometimes just plain mean. 

It's not fun for anyone. It's not uplifting or encouraging. 

It's weighing me down and hurting. 

I realize though, that I can't do this alone. 

I can't change my own heart or my own attitude, not by myself. 

Every time I try I fall short and then end up even more upset with myself.

I'm thankful for a husband who always forgives, but I want to do better.

So Lord, please come into my heart... draw near to me and help me draw near to you.

Change my heart and my attitude. 

Help me to be better with my actions and words.

Help me to love and pray more. 

To cling to and follow Your word more.

A whole lot more... 

Change My Heart

This morning I did my normal routine. 

Fed the kids, changed them, turned on cartoons for them to watch...

And then sat down to have my coffee, which I look forward to every single day. 

As I sat, thinking about my ever ending to do list 

(which really is clean the apartment, every single day) 

And what to blog about, I had a sick feeling not only in my stomach, but my heart. 

I knew what it was, as I often do, but this time I couldn't shake it. 

It overwhelmed me. My heart felt heavy. 

It was God reminding me that I need Him, that I can't live this life without Him. 

He was telling me that something needs to change. 

I knew He was right, so I picked up my Kindle...

And opened my Bible app to my latest She Reads Truth Plan. 

The first thing that stuck out to me this morning was a verse from Hebrews.
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart." Chapter 10: Verse 11.
Really, as I'm typing this post, I could cry.
Here God is telling me to come to Him with a sincere heart.
He isn't saying just come... just read my word and then go on with your day. Be sincere.
That part hit me hard, square in the gut because honestly, even when I do go to Him...
(which isn't as often as it should be),
it's rushed, so rushed that I'm usually unsure about what I've read and I still feel empty.
I feel no closer to God, unloved, unsaved, and like a huge giant mess of a person.
I kept on reading because I know I needed to. I didn't need just one verse, I needed more.

So, I read more words about Him and all He does for me.
He restores and redeems. He picks me up when I fall away!
He's my God and He is here with me.
All things I needed to hear, to be reminded of.

As I read more, I knew that something needed to change.
I wrote that out to Him... I told Him that I know He's right, that I do, need Him. So much!
It's not just about coming to Him, mindlessly reading His word, or mumbling a short prayer.
For me, that's not what it's about... it's about a heart change, a drastic one...
Because that is what my heart needs.

My heart needs to want to know Him more.
It needs to want to be closer to Him.
To read the word more and be in it, to pray prayers down on my knees.
I need Him to show Himself to me in a new light.
And not because who I know isn't enough,
but because everything in life has made it so I don't see.
So much is in the way.

Things need to drastically change on the inside,
but for me, I know that means things also need to change on the outside.
I need to be in the word because when I'm not I literally feel sick.
Life feels a whole lot messier than it actually is (Go figure),
And I lose my patience, love, kindness, understanding,
And so much more when I'm not in the word.
It means that other things have to wait, they need to.
That means the dirty dishes, the piles of laundry, my blog,
social media in general, and a whole lot more need to wait!
And I need to go to Him more. I need to ask Him for help more.
I need to ask Him...
"God, how do you want me to parent?"
"God, how can I love my husband more?"
"God, what should I do about this?"
"God, this is how I feel... this is my struggle..."
These things must change, these things must be asked.
That's what He told me today.

In all honesty, time with God is hard for me.
It's always been a struggle, which is why today I am saying,
"Lord, please change my heart in a drastic way. Only You can."

_______________________________________________________________
I know I'm not the only one out there with this struggle.
Do you struggle with this? Or have you?
What do you do to stay connected to God? To the word?
Tell me. Maybe it will help me out! =)

Dear Jesus

Being a parent is hard. It's hard to constantly have to give so much of yourself.

To put away what you want and do what needs to be done for your children. 

There is no one that knows this better than You. 

For You, were the one who gave up Your son for all of Your children. 

That's a beautiful thing and that is what parenting is meant to be...beautiful. 

At it's core, it is the most beautiful thing, but at it's surface, not always.

At the surface there are such hard moments, frustrations. 

That's where I'm at right now, lacking so much in parenting. 

So, I'm coming to You Jesus because You're the only one who I can fully depend on.

You're the only one who knows my heart and knows what needs to change.

Change my heart, Oh Lord. 

Give me patience, love, understanding, kindness, grace... to give to my children. 

It is what they need. It is what I need. 

Fill me with those things Lord.

Amen. 

35 weeks

Earrings: Made them. Headbands: Walmart. Tank: Old Navy. Skirt: Target. 

I wish these pictures were taken at a different location rather than our bedroom, but I guess thats what happens when you don't see your husband until ten o'clock at night. A busy day we both had. 

35 weeks. Again, like I always say I cannot believe it. Only 24 more days until my c-section. 

I've been marking down the days for a while now, but it feels like these last days are going to drag on.

I'm so anxious to meet Maeva and just have her here with us. 

I'm so ready to be a family of four and figure out how to adjust to that. 

I'm ready to see daddy with daughter or older brother with little sister. 

I'm ready to be a mama to a baby again...because even though Braden is still my baby (and always will be), I must face it, he certainly is growing! 

I'm ready for so much, but still nervous about things too. 

Can I be a mama of two and not lose my mind? ;) 

Can I function during the day with very little sleep? 

Can I? Can I? Can I?

I know that there will be days that I feel I can't, but I also know that the anxiety won't be around forever. I have help if I ask and Jesus is always there. Thankfully, Jesus is ALWAYS there. 

I'm feeling huge. My feet and legs hurt from carrying around this baby and at times it is super hard to breathe, but I don't want to complain about being pregnant... I was convicted about that the other day.

There are some women who aren't able to have babies or lose their babies. My heart aches for them. I cry for them because I can't imagine how they must feel, how their heart must ache. I hurt with them, really, I do. So I don't want to complain because it truly is a blessing. Thank You Lord for this baby growing in me and please Lord be with those women who can't have babies or have lost.... You are close to the broken hearted, I know this, so please Lord wrap Your arms around them. Amen. 

Our mistakes do not define us

I've written in multiple times already and I probably will write it again, but being apart of She Reads Truth has been one of the best things for my walk with God. Its so nice to fill myself up with the word of God a daily basis and be uplifted by it! I love the accountability in it even if it is just over the internet and I also love the conviction that I get from reading the word of God. 

I love that fact that pretty much every day I read my devotional (Living the Surrendered Life) I am convicted about something. The other day the devotional was about judgment. It said that often we judge people on their actions, but we judge ourselves by our intentions. WOW! So true and so unfair! It's so easy for us to judge, even though we really have no right to. I know I feel pretty awful when I feel judged, so why would I want to make others feel that way?

Just today I felt judged by someone in my family. I don't write a lot on here about mistakes I've made... I've shared some, but I think its okay to not go into huge detail about all the mistakes because honestly, there are some I don't like to think about and some I don't like to share. I think, also, that sometimes when sharing things, the devil can use that to attack you. I share the things I feel God is telling me to and leave out the rest, here on the blog. But I'll share this mistakes with you because really it isn't the worst one I've made.... somedays I wouldn't even call it a mistake. 

I chose to go to a Christian college, which I think, was the right thing for me. I didn't make the best choices there. I made some pretty honking big mistakes in college, but others, not even knowing those mistakes, have made me feel bad about that. I chose to go there because that's where I thought God wanted me to go, where He urged me to go. However, sometimes, when I look back on it, I think I should have gone elsewhere... not only because I wouldn't have made those mistakes elsewhere (or maybe I would have -- WHO KNOWS!) but also because the education, I feel I got there, didn't do much for me. I also, looking back on things now, wish I'd chosen a different major. That last part is what came up in conversation. Sort of. The family member had told me that another family member was going to go to a different college because she wanted to take a different path (when it came to her major). I said that it was good she figured that out now. My family member responded with, "You could have made different choices, but you would have felt like a failure." 

I greatly dislike the judgement I felt in that comment. I know they didn't necessarily mean it that way, but the words just tore me down. I've dealt with my past and moved on from a lot of it, but when things like that are said, I really feel punched in the stomach and just bad about myself. I feel like I have to explain things, but I know these things are all lies! The lies are the reason I wrote this post.

Judgments hurt. They do not build people up, but they tear them down. There, is no good in them, not when, its not our place. I am not my past choices. I am not my mistakes. I know that and I have to rest in that. I know a lot of people feel judged because, well, the truth is...there is a lot of

judgement, but know that the only judgement that matters is from God. Also, know that you are not your mistakes, you are not your past. What matters most in life is God and being His child.

You ARE THAT, so rest in it. Do not rest in the thoughts of others because time and time again that will hurt, but if you rest in His truth, there is mercy, forgiveness and so much love.

That is what I'm reminding myself of right now. I'm also reminding myself, that for me, this has taught me something... that I don't want to be judgmental. I don't want to judge the people I am close to. I don't want to judge my husband or my children. I don't want to judge my friends or even people I don't know. I just want to love and be merciful. Lord, I ask You to help me with that and remind me to love, on a daily basis. Amen. 

What I want her to know

I've written before about how having a little girl terrifies me a bit. 

If I were to be honest, and that is the plan for these words, there is one reason I am scared. 

Its for her heart as a teenager and young adult.

I remember how sensitive my heart was. Some would say too sensitive. 

I remember how damaged it (and I) felt as I got older.

That scares me for her because that is what I desperately do not want! 

If you've read my testimony you may know a little more about the words I'm writing. 

I was a depressed teenager and even though some may say that is normal, I disagree. 

Feeling so hopeless you ask God to end it all or cutting yourself is NOT normal. 

I also because a depressed young adult who ended up in an awful relationship in college. 

There's a bit more about that in my testimony too.

That is what terrifies me the most. That is what could make me weep with fear. 

I don't want Maeva to follow in my footsteps. Do many parents want that of their kids?

No, I think they want them to be better, to experience better. That's what I hope.

I want Maeva to know that it is okay to hurt over a broken heart. 

That its okay to cry and express what she is feeling.

I want her to know that it is okay to ask for help and come to both of us. 

I want Maeva to know that no matter what has been done (because mistakes will be made) she can come to us and we will love her no matter what.... we will help her no matter what.

I want her, desperately to know, that there is a certain way she is suppose to be treated, 

a certain way she should be treated. 

I want her to know that no boy will completely fill her heart, that her heart, really, 

is for God and her future husband. 

I want her to know that she is meant to be respected - 

not called names, talked down to, hit, or pressured. She is to be treated well. 

I want her to know those things and so much more about these things. 

I know it comes down to her dad and I... 

Protecting her heart, setting limits, and knowing what's going on.

I know its about having open and honest communication with her about these things.

I know its about teaching her about God and what He wants in her life. 

I also know its about trusting God with her and her future.

He wants what is best for her. He loves her more than we do. 

Lord, help us to do this well. To protect her and love her. To show her what You want in her life.

Help us to do the same with Braden. They both need so much from us. Prepare us.

Pieces

There has been a lot on my heart lately.
A lot of conviction, guilt, and yuck.
But there has also been good things like joy and happiness.
Today I woke up with a lot bothering me, so I thought I'd try to write a bit out, here.

One thing I've been struggling with for a bit is comparing myself to others.
I think thats something I've done every once in a while,
but right now it seems to be a pretty big deal, a daily thing.

I've been comparing my pregnancy body to other women's.
"She isn't as big as me."
"She is so tiny."
"She looks good."
The thing is this is my second pregnancy and I didn't really lose any weight until I got pregnant.
I knew I'd be be bigger because of those two things.
I also know though, that these negative, comparing thoughts, aren't right.

Some days I look at myself and think I'm not so big.
So what if I was? Every woman's pregnancy is different. Second pregnancies are different!
I do not look bad. Some days I may not feel the greatest about my outer appearance, but thankfully my husband thinks otherwise and tells me often. Thank you James!

Another area I've been comparing myself is in motherhood. I've been doubting myself.

I think maybe its part of our sweet little Maeva coming in 59 days 

and questioning whether I can be a mom of two! 

Which I know, by the way, that I can because God is making it happen

and He will not give me anything I cannot handle! 

Two babies to love and have... what a blessing!

Comparing myself in this area is really bothering my heart. 

I see or hear about a friends child do this or that

and then my mind automatically goes to, "well, how come Braden isn't doing that?" 

"Why isn't Braden saying any numbers or letters?"

"Why doesn't he play this way or that way?"
"Should he be doing that?"

The questions in my mind go on and on. It seems like I'm comparing my son AND I do not want to do that! Braden is his own person and he plays the way he wants. He is smart. He is learning. 

I find myself wondering if I'm doing enough with him. Enough reading? Playing enough? On and on it goes. The truth is no, in some areas I am not doing as much as I should be, but I am not an awful mother. I am a good mom. I do my best and I love him dearly. 

Comparing myself and my mothering to others has taught me a few things. 

Mostly, really, that it is a bad idea. It puts me in a bad mood and takes away joy.

I don't need to do it! It is not healthy!

God made me who He made me for a reason. I can be no one else and no one else can be me. 

He loves me for me. I need to rest in those things.

Help me to rest in those things, Lord. Give me peace. Help me to love.

One thing that I've been extremely thankful for is being apart of She Reads Truth. 

Getting into the word everyday has been so uplifting to me! 

So encouraging! Exactly what I've needed! 

I really can't explain how great it has been!

On my heart lately... 

(ever since I watched a video on youtube about hell) has been the question, "what is enough?" 

"Is it enough to just read His word? To pray?"

"Is it enough to be saved? And how do I know I really am?"

"Is this person in my life saved?"

"Is this person going to heaven or hell?"

A lot of questions that are overwhelming my heart and scaring me a bit too.

But I'm coming back to the verse in 2 Timothy. 

"The Lord KNOWS those who are His." 

He knows me. He knows that I am His. He knows about the people in my life too. 

I know that if I rest in His truth, in these words, they will help my heart.

That is what they do! 

What's on your heart? Anything been overwhelming it lately? 

P.S. Don't forget to check out my 100 followers giveaway below! It's a good one! =)

I'm thankful God

Gave me these boys to love.

I love them so much.

Thank You God for placing James in my life 

And trusting me to be Braden's mother.

Thank You.

Philippians 4:5

I'm currently reading a series by Karen Kingsbury.
She is my favorite Christian Author because of the truth I see in her characters.
I can relate to them and by reading her stories about them, I've grown to love the characters and can find myself in them.

The current series I am reading is the Bailey Flanigan Series, which I highly recommend.
Bailey is the type of girl I wish I was growing up - strong in her faith.
She guards her heart with prayer and scripture. I wish I was more like that.
It is the type of woman I want to be and the type of woman I believe God wants me to be.

In the book that I am currently reading there is a moment that Bailey is struggling with hurt from someone important. She is reading her Bible during that time and a piece of scripture jumps out at her. It  said, "Let your gentleness be evident to all." I've read this passage many times in the Bible, but this hit me hard.

God expects me to be gentle.
He expects it to be seen by people, for us to let people see it.
Gah! Can I just say that's really hard for a person, who isn't gentle, to read?
There are moments when I am gentle yes, but there are also many moments when I'm not.
But God wants me to be.

He wants me to be gentle with my son when he is throwing a tantrum for no reason.
He wants to be to be gentle when speaking to my husband.
He wants me to be gentle when I disagree with people.
He wants me to be gentle when I am so angry I can hardly contain it.
He wants me to be gentle and be kind.
He wants me to be gentle and forgive.
He wants me to be gentle and love.
He wants me to be gentle with myself.
He wants me to be gentle always.

Oh, how hard it is to be gentle when things aren't going your way.
Or when others aren't being gentle with you!
But that's the type of woman I want to be, so its something to work on.

God, I know
You want me to work on gentleness.
Help me to be gentle with others (and myself) like You are with me.
Amen.

A mama's fear (and a winner)

We all have fears. I think a lot of those times those fears aren't something that would actually occur, but still they are there. I have a fear that is new to me since becoming a mother. I fear that somehow my son is going to get hurt. I know he will get hurt in life because thats what happens. I cannot (and should not) protect my son from every little thing. Getting hurt is how we learn sometimes. By hurt though, I mean, horribly. I actually have vivid images in my head of this happening. I've yet to determine if thats normal or not.

My biggest fear is that he's going to be taken. I think I fear this because I see it so often.

Right now, theres a baby girl my sons age missing in Kansas City. She's been missing for over a month.

I cried in our bed over this. I cried saying, "I don't want anyone to take my baby!" I was so upset by this that my husband brought him into our bed for a while. Its a fear that I am sure would never happen, but it breaks my heart to think about it.

I also have other images in my head of him getting hurt.
Right now we're living in a place where at the bottom of the stairs there is concrete. 

I fear him falling down the stairs. I fear him not making it because of that.

The list goes on and on.

I tell you this for two reasons...

Maybe another mama can relate.

But mostly, I tell you this because of how I deal with it. 

I TURN TO God with these images, with this worry.

Because that is what I HAVE TO DO. 

I put them out of my head and out of my heart.

I GIVE THEM to God. 

I TRUST HIM with my son because after all, He is the one who is in complete control.

He has my son IN HIS HANDS.

I AM AT PEACE when turning to Him with this.

Giving these thoughts to Him means I am FREE from them! 

They don't have to stick around and haunt me.

I do not have to worry!

Dear God, I know You are constantly watching over my son. 

I know You love him and protect him always.

I cannot thank You enough for this! 

Thank You for taking this worry from my hands and holding it in your own!

The winner of the Shabby Apple Giveaway is Linda Yan (I used the true random generator...I'd post it, if I knew how!)Congrats! I will email you soon!

He thinks I'm enough!

::via pinterest::

But sometimes, especially lately, I don't feel like enough. 

I'm not a good enough wife or mother.

I'm not a good enough friend.

I'm not good enough for this person or that person...

I'm not a good enough writer or photographer.

I'm not a good enough blogger. 

I don't read my Bible enough or pray enough, so I'm not spiritual enough. 

I'm not thin enough

Or pretty enough. 

The list goes on and on and on. 

The truth is, I probably won't ever FEEL like enough, but I need to put those feelings aside because those feelings aren't the TRUTH. In this world, I will never be enough. Everywhere I turn something is telling me I'm not. I will never live up to the worlds standards of being enough, but I don't want to! I want to live up to God's standards. 

In God's eyes I am enough. How freeing is that? 

No matter what... God loves me and I am enough to Him. 

I don't have to DO MORE to be enough.

Yes, I should work on things... and He helps me with that, is there with me through it all,

But I do not have to do more or be more to receive His love.

He loves me just the way I am. 

Lord, I thank You for reminding me that I am enough to YOU.

Thank You for being enough for me as well.

The mom I'm supposed to be

When you become a mom (actually when you're pregnant) everywhere you turn there is advice on what to do as a mom. 

You find advice in books.

Tv, movies, music...culture tells you how you should be as a mom. 

Not to mention that everyone and their mother tells you what you should or shouldn't do. 

"Don't hold your baby all the time." 

"Hold your baby as much as you can."

"Get him on a schedule right away."

"Let him cry it out."

"Don't let him cry it out...that is horrible and mean."

It goes on and on... 

Sometimes its welcome, other times its not.

I love being a mom.

There's nothing I'd rather do.

Its a hard job, but its also the best thing I will ever do.

And the mom I'm supposed to be... its not the one the world tells me to be.

The mom I'm supposed to be, the mom I aim to be, is the one God calls me to be.

He tells me to be...

Loving

Patient

Kind

Forgiving

Guiding

He tells me to have GRACE.

Thats the mother I'm called to be now... the mother I will always be called to be. 

I listen to advice given to me, but I go with what is right for us.

I go with the voice of God and the instincts He has given me as a mother. 

He is my leader. My guide. 

I try to follow Him in all areas of my life and that includes motherhood.

I may say I know whats best for my boy, but the truth is God knows whats best for him. 

So I listen and I pray...

God, how do you want me to be a good mother?

 What should I do in this situation?

Help me love.

Help me have patience (lots and lots).

Give me strength to get through today because todays exhausting and I need help being a good mother. 

Its a prayer that needs to be said everyday. Sometimes many times.

Where do you get you get your advice from?

Who do you follow when it comes to being a mom and parenting?

Really, I want to know.

Unconventional

Tank: Old Navy. Striped tee: Forever 21. Leggings: Walmart. Skirt (scarf): Modcloth. Flip flops: Playless.

Husband took these pictures and I'd say he does way better. Its super hard to take pictures of yourself, so he will be doing it from now on! Now about this outfit...I found a cool way to wear a scarf as a shirt, but sadly this scarf isn't big enough. So, I went for the next best thing - tying it around my waist. Is it the best thing? No, but I definitely love the mixed pattern. If this challenge has taught me anything this far, its that I love to mix patterns! This may happen a lot!

In other news we were headed to the air show today because as some of you may know, my husband loves flying. He rather be up in the air flying than doing anything else. Its something he is so passionate about and is determined that one day he will be a pilot. He's getting close to that dream. I'm so proud of him. That's all I can really say about it for now. But back to the air show... as we were walking to the event sirens started going off - fire trucks, ambulances, and cops started raising towards the airport. We soon found out that one of the plans had nose dived and the pilot lost his life. Even as I write it I feel like crying... such a tragedy and my heart goes out to his family. I cannot imagine... I'll be praying for them and if you feel led, maybe you'd join me?

God, be with the family of the pilot. Draw close to them and help them with their grief. This is hard, so very hard... so just be there. Thats all I know to ask.

This prayers in my heart too

via pinterest

Yes, God, show me how to be a yes kind of girl! 

How many times in a lifetime?

I see my Bible lying beside my bed.

I see the homeless man on the side of the road with a sign, asking for simple things, I could easily give.

I hear a voice in my head assuring me that I shouldn't speak the words on my mind, for they are unkind.

I ignore the Bible (again).

I act as if I don't see the man and drive right past.

I speak critical, harsh words. 

There's things I do on a daily basis that aren't Christ-like. Those are just a few things I can think of, but I know there are many more I could list, but I also am aware that there are many more I couldn't list. I'm wondering about time... theres so many seconds in the day, in which I am sure I ignore God. No, I'm not sure...I KNOW that I ignore Him. 

How many seconds...

in a day

in a week

in a month

in a year

in a decade

....in a lifetime...

do we ignore God and what He is telling us?

How many times do we walk away from Christ in a lifetime?

I know I ignore things He wants me to do for many reasons.

I don't pick up my Bible because honestly sometimes I get bored.

I drive past the homeless man because I'm fearful.

I say critical, harsh things because sometimes I just don't know how to shut my mouth. 

The list of reasons why go on and on, but really can be summed up simply by one word...

SELFISH. 

I want to be less selfish. I want to follow Christ and do what He asks of me. 

I want to stop blaming my lack of relationship and following Him on things like I don't have enough time and other people, but it will take it effort. It will take a lot of praying, obedience, putting aside myself, listening, and encouragement.

God, again I come to you asking for some motivation because I seriously lack it. I don't know whats wrong really, but something is. I know I need to not only read the Bible, but follow You in the other ways You tell me to. Help me to have open eyes and an open heart. Amen. 

::all photos from pinterest::

Rant and Rave: Writing

Last week I started my rant and rave about something you love post. I wrote about my new passion for photography, but this passion, I've had for some time. I love to write. It started when I was in junior high. I put my thoughts and feelings into poetry. Then in high school I started to journal, but it was more in letter form. I wrote letters to God. Its kind of the way I pray. 

Those journals above are all from college. Yep, four years of my life in 12 journals. Crazy huh? 

I apparently needed to pray a lot in college. 

Its true. 

I thought I'd share something I wrote. Its from college, but a poem. I'd share something else, but sometimes my writing was a bit on the nuts-o, emotional side. Don't want to scare you. Those prayers are for Gods ears.

At Your Feet:

My heart is something I should lay before you

You've been calling it for so long

Fully and surely I should give it all

I should You all my 

Tears and heartache

Sins and failures

Pride and unforgiveness

Past and all my life

Lay them at Your feet

Yet, when the pressure starts to hit me

And I feel the tears begging to fall

My heart isn't something I can lay before you

Even though You've been calling it for so long

Fully and surely I hide it from You

I hold back all my

Tears and heartaches

Sins and failures

Pride and unforgiveness

My past and all my life

I can't lay them at Your feet

I know You're still calling to my heart

You'll call to it constantly until I give You all my

Tears and heartaches

Sins and failures

Pride and unforgiveness

Past and all my life

You will call until I can muster up the courage to lay them at Your feet

You've been calling my heart, Lord

Now I'm calling back to Yours

I cannot do this on my own

I need You to grab my hand Lord

And lead me to the cross

There You'll take my heart in Your hands and help  me give it all

There You will take my 

Tears and heartaches

Comfort me

There You will take my

Sins and failures

Wipe them clean

There You will take my

Pride and unforgivness

Shape me

There You will take my past and all my life

Love me

Still you will love me

                                 - September 18, 2009

Sometimes writing is the only way I can get my thoughts and feelings out.

I just love to fill up a notebook. It leaves a satisfied feeling and I think God it so I enjoy writing for a reason - its how I've connected to Him for so long. 

I'll be back later with my 30 by 30 challenge post.