Parenting is painful

Parenting is painful. If you're a parent, you know that.
For me, I have moments where I think, "Oh, this hurts."
Lately, since we've hit the two year old mark, things have felt more painful.
Braden tests me on a daily basis. All. Day. Long.
You want me to be nice to my sister? I'm going to push her over and run!
I'm suppose to eat this healthy food? But I just want m's and I'm going to scream about it!
Sit in time out? What? Are you kidding me? Why don't you make me?
Don't run into the street? I'm going to give the sneakiest look ever and go towards the street!
Really, the list goes on and on. And I suck at being consistent.
I'm trying, but I'm in no way perfect.
Anyway, back to how it's painful.
Clearly, there are times when he needs to be disciplined for the choices he is making.
Or we have to make him do something.
And gosh I hate that part of parenting.
It hurts my heart...
And it takes a whole lot of effort to not just give in and let him do what he wants.
Minus, letting him run into the street, obviously.

"Whoosh, whoosh!" he says, as he runs after a plane.

Just last night, however, we had a battle with him.
Actually, I let daddy have this battle because he's just better at it.
Braden didn't want to eat his healthy dinner and daddy told him he had to eat one more bite.
He made him stay at the table until he took that bite too!
It was painful for me, especially when his little eyes found mine and begged to be done.
He does that to me...
Looks at me with those sweet little eyes and I just want to give him the world.
I'm realizing though that the world I want to give him...
Is one where he is healthy and able to be the best him he can be.
It's hard and painful sometimes.
I think it's suppose to be because...
Through the pain we grow as parents and they grow as our children.

He's pushing my buttons

 

My son. My first born. My almost two year old.
I love him so much...
He was the one that taught me I could love more than I ever thought possible.
When I see his smile, I can't help but smile.
His laugh is pretty much contagious and just makes me so happy to hear.
He's energetic and brings a lot of joy to my life,\
He's a great big brother - always wanting to kiss, hug, and hold Maeva.
But lately...he's been pushing my buttons like crazy.

I know he's reaching THAT age, that terrible two age, which by the way, I hate that term. 

He's not terrible. I know that, which is why I hate that term.

He's just trying to be more independent. He knows what he wants and when he doesn't get it...

There's screaming and yelling, there's hitting, there's ignoring me. 

There's putting his head down on the floor and crying, there's throwing things. 

And its driving me bonkers! 

Especially the yelling at me and hitting. 

I just can't believe that he acts that way.
In fact, the first time he hit me I laughed because I just couldn't believe it. 

I know all of this needs to change and that he isn't going to magically change.

If he's going to change then I have to show him how. 

I think that toddlers treat you how you let them treat you.
If I let him hit me, then he's going to hit me.
If I allow him to scream at me, then he's going to do just that.
This is a tough realization I've come to because its hard to change your toddlers behavior.
Its hard to discipline... gosh, so hard for me!
I don't want to tell him no.
I don't want to take things away from him or put him in time out.
I don't want to spank him.
But sometimes, those things have to be done.
And they need to be done now because if I don't work on controlling it now,
then it will be out of control later.
Scary to think about!

I know I've written about my struggle with discipling him many many times, but its still hard.

I feel like it always will be because seriously, what parent enjoys doing it?
Any tips on what to do and what not to do?
Especially when it comes to his yelling at me and hitting? 

I know really it all comes down to him listening and obeying me.

I'm praying I get better at this and if you'd be up to it, I'd appreciate your prayers as well! 

It's okay

I have two babies under the age of two and its hard, but that's okay.

It's okay that I often don't get enough sleep and feel exhausted.

It's okay that I don't have much time for myself. 

It's okay that our place is often a mess.

Clothes strung throughout rooms, crumbs on the floor, dishes pilled up, so much left unclean.

It's okay that Maeva wants to be held more often that not.

It's okay that she enjoys sleeping on me and being rocked. 

It's okay that she cries and is fussy. 

It's okay that I spend most of my time changing diapers and nursing. 

It's okay that Braden makes messes just after I've picked up.

It's okay that he doesn't sleep in his bed, but on the floor.

It's okay that he constantly wants to eat.

It's okay that he throws himself on the floor when we tell him no.

It's okay that he's put his legos in the toilet. 

It's okay that parenting is hard.

It's okay that I don't quite know what I'm doing yet... with two.

It's okay that we haven't figured it all out yet.

It's okay that we feel like we are losing our minds sometimes.

It's okay that we aren't perfect parents. 

It's really all okay, life, this parenting thing. 

Because we don't have to have it all figured out, we are never going to perfect.

Because God is there, if we go to Him, and ask for His help.

It's okay because they are only little for a little while. 

Something I never thought we'd do as parents

Maeva is so different than her brother was as a baby (as she should be). 

She always wants to be held, cries a lot more, doesn't like the swing, 

And nothing hold hers attention for very long.

Her sleeping is very different as well.

I remember it being hard with Braden, getting him to sleep, but not as hard as its been with her. 

Sometimes I feed or hold her until she falls asleep or rock her. 

Or simply sit in our bed with her until she falls asleep. 

Then, she sleeps in our bed, all night long. 

Yep, we co-sleep.

Even though I'd heard about co-sleeping, I never actually thought it'd be something we'd do.

Honestly, I like my bed and thought it'd be hard to share with a newborn.

I figured it'd surely keep me awake because I'd be afraid I would roll over on her. 

Or she'd moan and groan (like she did when not sleeping in the bed) all night long. 

But its so different than I had imagined. 

She sleeps better. We sleep better.

Its not always easy to get her down for the night, but she sleeps more peacefully.

She also sleeps for longer periods of time. Not always, but often. 

This helps us get more sleep and when she does wake up its easier for me to just grab her to eat.

And she pretty much has her own side of the bed, so no worries about smashing her. 

Even though I was hesitant about co-sleeping, I'm so glad we gave it a try.

Right now, it just works for us! 

Excuse me while I ramble about feeling like a failure

Its been rough here lately. 

I've backed away from being super honest in my writing. 

I used to be... without being scared, without being ashamed or sorry for my words...

Yet, I have others to think about when it comes to what I write about. 

So I don't lay it all out there. But today, I need to write more openly. 

Its been really hard here, lately. If you follow me on twitter you know I've been struggling. 

I appreciate all the nice comments and uplifting words. 

It truly does my heart good and helps me get through the day!

My heart has felt broken a lot lately... 

And I've felt as if I am reaching my breaking point of, I just can't do this anymore! 

There is a lot that goes into why. Some I can talk about, some I can't.

A lot of my emotions, I am sure, have to do with the fact that I am a mom of 2 under 2.
A toddler + an (almost) one month old are hard to handle, most of the time.
I love them both dearly, but my patience gets tested a lot.
Its hard to handle the pretty much constant crying and whining all day long.
Not to mention I can't put Maeva down for a second (unless she's asleep) or she will cry.
I don't want to complain about it, but it really, is the hardest job ever!
And in all honestly, I'm tired of hearing people say, "Oh, having kids is such a blessing."
Yes, it is, I won't deny it, but you know what?
Some days all I want to hear is the truth.
That sometimes parenting feels awful and (dare I say it) sucks.

It doesn't help that I feel like a failure as a mom.
People tell me I'm not, but that doesn't take away from feeling that way.
I struggle to discipline and that, I feel, has really bitten me in the butt.
Its hard to know how to discipline Braden.
I've had a few people tell me that he's too young, that he doesn't understand or know better.
I don't really believe that because I've seen him "know better", but I struggle in finding what discipline actually works for us.
I usually get so frustrated that I end up talking to harshly/yelling
Or giving him a pop on the bottom.
I hate both those things and they don't seem to work anyway.

I know part of it is that things aren't very structured...
As in he does what he wants a lot of the time and I'm clueless as what to do with him.
He plays with his cars A LOT, I read to him, and he watches too much tv because its easy.
Those things make me feel like a huge failure because I know I should be doing more with him.
I should be teaching him things, but I don't feel smart enough to know how.

I need to work on all these things, but some times it really feels hopeless.
Especially when I feel like I'm about to lose it taking care of two.
Part of me doesn't understand how other mother's do it.
They make it look so easy and effortless. Which I know is a lie, but still...

So, tell me, mama's, how do you do it?

Motherhood is hard

I've been awful at blogging lately. Not exactly on purpose. There have been days when I've been far too tired pregnant, there's been too much to do, and then there was yesterday when the toddler pulled the cord for the internet and the tv out of the wall, and I didn't realize it. Plus, I've just been a bit down on myself when it comes to motherhood, so I haven't felt up to writing. 


Motherhood is hard. They tell you that when you're pregnant, but you don't really get it until you have to get up five times during the night to feed the baby that for some reason cries a whole lot. Then, somehow you may forget how hard it is until you have a toddler who hits and bites you whenever you bring him inside because, "Mom, why would you? It's my favorite place!" Doesn't matter that its 100+ degrees outside and your less than a month away from having another baby. Some days its just hard because of the fussing that takes place for reasons you don't even understand. Some days its just hard because of you and not the toddler. Honestly, that's how I'm feeling lately... like its hard because of me. I'm not impressed with the job I'm doing lately, not impressed with my mothering. 


The other night as my husband and I were laying in bed talking I confessed this and some of my fears. Toddlerhood is hard. Braden is growing and learning. He desperately wants to be independent, which is a great thing, but there are some things, we, as parents, can't let him do. We can't let him get out of the tub himself because even though he thinks he's big enough, he's not. We can't let him just eat the m&ms in the trail mix because his teeth will root, we can't let him stand directly in front of the tv because it will hurt his eyes. But these things... he wants to do... and when we tell him no or take him away from it, he loses it. He kicks, he hits, he's bites, he screams. You know, all the normal toddler stuff. I look at him like I don't know him sometimes and a lot lately, I catch myself yelling. 
"Braden, NO!" 
"Stop it!" 
"I'm not doing the fussing today!" 
I hate the yelling... it makes me cringe. It makes it worse. It makes me feel like an awful mother. It also makes me fear that I am hurting him emotionally. That's probably one of my biggest fears. I don't ever want my son to feel like I don't love him, to feel like I don't care. I love him with only the love a mother could give her son. I'd do anything for him and I hope he comes to understand that as he grows. I hope he also comes to realize that everyone has bad days some days. He does. I do. We do, as parents. I hope he realizes that even though we have bad days - days of yelling, of being the people we don't want to be, but that doesn't mean, we don't love. Because we do, we love a whole lot. 


Trying to be a better mom. Trying to have grace with myself and my sweet boy. 

Photos taken by Nikki Wiarda. 

What I want her to know

I've written before about how having a little girl terrifies me a bit. 

If I were to be honest, and that is the plan for these words, there is one reason I am scared. 

Its for her heart as a teenager and young adult.

I remember how sensitive my heart was. Some would say too sensitive. 

I remember how damaged it (and I) felt as I got older.

That scares me for her because that is what I desperately do not want! 

If you've read my testimony you may know a little more about the words I'm writing. 

I was a depressed teenager and even though some may say that is normal, I disagree. 

Feeling so hopeless you ask God to end it all or cutting yourself is NOT normal. 

I also because a depressed young adult who ended up in an awful relationship in college. 

There's a bit more about that in my testimony too.

That is what terrifies me the most. That is what could make me weep with fear. 

I don't want Maeva to follow in my footsteps. Do many parents want that of their kids?

No, I think they want them to be better, to experience better. That's what I hope.

I want Maeva to know that it is okay to hurt over a broken heart. 

That its okay to cry and express what she is feeling.

I want her to know that it is okay to ask for help and come to both of us. 

I want Maeva to know that no matter what has been done (because mistakes will be made) she can come to us and we will love her no matter what.... we will help her no matter what.

I want her, desperately to know, that there is a certain way she is suppose to be treated, 

a certain way she should be treated. 

I want her to know that no boy will completely fill her heart, that her heart, really, 

is for God and her future husband. 

I want her to know that she is meant to be respected - 

not called names, talked down to, hit, or pressured. She is to be treated well. 

I want her to know those things and so much more about these things. 

I know it comes down to her dad and I... 

Protecting her heart, setting limits, and knowing what's going on.

I know its about having open and honest communication with her about these things.

I know its about teaching her about God and what He wants in her life. 

I also know its about trusting God with her and her future.

He wants what is best for her. He loves her more than we do. 

Lord, help us to do this well. To protect her and love her. To show her what You want in her life.

Help us to do the same with Braden. They both need so much from us. Prepare us.

Growing up happens way too fast!

Yesterday morning when I went to get Braden out of his crib I saw dried blood on his face. 

I looked at his face, but couldn't see anything that had bled or was bleeding. 

However, as the morning went on and Braden was being his silly self, 

I saw the inside of his lip. 

He had bitten it hard in the night. 

Possibly by bumping his head on the crib, like he tends to do. 

I sent a picture to James and we decided that we'd get him a big boy bed in the evening, 

rather than waiting until the weekend. 

Now, he's in a big bed. 

I read this post by a friend yesterday

 and it summed up a lot of what I feel about this and Braden growing up. 

It really does go too fast. It breaks my heart, a bit.

Just yesterday I remember finding out I was pregnant with Braden. 

It was a hard day, but that day, I will forever be thankful for. 

Just yesterday I remember the pregnancy.

How in the end I wanted him to enter the world so badly. 

I remember going to the hospital, thinking I was having contractions, and being sent home. 

I cried...because I just wanted my baby boy. 

I remember having the c-section.

Hearing him cry for the first time. My own tears came then, too.

Just yesterday I remember nursing him. 

How he needed me for that. 

Just yesterday I remember being able to hold him. 

How I could hold him and he'd sleep on me. How I could hold him and he'd be happy. 

Today... he'll be a big brother in about 60 days. 

He's no longer the baby, but a growing, silly, happy, boy. 

Today... he's able to go get his own food, if I'm just not getting it fast enough.

He can point to what he wants. Crackers, oreos, fruit, juice. 

Today... I can't hold him as much as I want. He's too squirmy, too busy.

But he does give me lots of kisses and hugs.

Oh, how I love them!

Today... he's in a big boy bed.

SOB.

Watching him grow up is one of the best things to see as his mama.

Honestly, however, it is really, really hard! 

I want to keep him my little boy forever. Part of me thinks, "Oh, this big bed happened too fast!"

Part of me just wants to put him back in the crib even though he did wonderfully in the bed. 

I know this will happen a lot as I watch him grow. 

^^^ He looks so much like his daddy in the picture!^^^

But I know I can't stop his growing.

It is just a part of life.

I'm glad I at least get to see it happen. 

P.S.

That's how he felt about it when we first put him in bed.

I think he was unsure of what was going on and he was really tired.

It didn't take too long for him to fall asleep and I only heard him make one little peep last night.

And I'm pretty certain I'm going to hear the word, "Car" a lot today. It is his favorite to say!

As a mama do you ever feel

...like you make things harder for yourself?

Lately, that's how I've been feeling. 

I love my son so much...its a love I can't explain or even understand for that matter, 

but sometimes motherhood frustrates me, leaves me exhausted.
I think that's just how it is because it takes so much from you - mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. You have to give your all to a little person who really is jut focused on himself.

Sometimes the frustrating things, the exhausting things aren't my fault. 

But you know what? Sometimes they are! 

Sometimes I cause more frustration, exhaustion, stress for myself! 

I'm more of those things when I don't get enough sleep.

Its my fault because I don't go to bed at a good time. 

Or I give him a juice box in his car seat, knowing that he is going to squeeze it or throw it.

Or I let him throw things down the stairs because I'm too exhausted to care at the moment, but soon find myself frustrated with him.

Completely my fault. 

I know there are other issues... that sometimes I let him get away with things because I am exhausted from this pregnancy. I also have come to the realization that its hard for me to discipline him because

he's my little boy, but I need to work on these things! 

So I'm starting to change things because its whats best for us.

Discipling him is hard and probably always will be, but he needs his parents to do this.

Its the best way we can show him we love him.

 -- Just as I finished typing this, I realized my baby boy is 18 months today! Oh, my goodness! --

What do you want your child to appreciate?

My husband was currently taking a sociology class online. 

Considering I studied it in college, it interests me. 

Therefore I've been eavesdropping on the video's he's been listening to. 

Some of the things I heard have stuck with me.

Last night as I was listening the woman said, "If you want your children to appreciate something, they have to see your appreciating it."

This got me thinking about what I want my children to appreciate. 

I want my children to appreciate many things.

I want them to appreciate the things they are given, whether big or small.

The clothes they have, the toys the play with, the roof over their heads, the food on their plates.

I want them to appreciate the people they have in their lives.

My husband and me, their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, teachers, all people they come across. 

I want them to appreciate learning. The fact that they can learn.

That they are able to go to school, reading, writing, having a passion and learning about it. 

I want them to appreciate the things we do.

Vacations, being outside, spending time together. 

I want them to appreciate the fact that daddy works hard. 

For us, for them, for our life.

I want them to appreciate that because of that, I am able to stay home with them.

I want them to appreciate affection.

Hugs and kisses, being cared for, being loved.

I want them to appreciate God and His word.

To read it, to know it, and live it. 

I want them to appreciate everything, to be grateful because this life, all we have, we don't really deserve it. 

As I think about this, I know though, that if I don't appreciate these things, then how can I expect them to? 

I can't, not really. 

I know these things are important and good. 

I know these things are meant to appreciated and I'm meant to be grateful. 

So, I need to work on appreciating and being grateful. 

So, I will....starting today... I will have a grateful heart for this life I have. 

If I were

Recently I've been thinking about how I want to motherhood differently.
I wish I could do it all right, but that won't happen.
I wish I could be the perfect mother, but really, there is no such thing.
No matter what anyone tells you, there is no perfect mother, no perfect parent.
I'm thankful for that because if there was... if there was someone to look at and say, "they are the perfect parent, they do everything right," I'd sure be depressed and down on  myself.
But if I were super mom, I'd do everything perfectly.
The house would always be clean. The laundry always folded and put away.
The floors would have never have food on them and the beds would also be made.
If I were super mom, Braden would always eat healthily.
I'd read to him every single day and he'd always be clean.
If I were super mom I'd play with him more than I do.
I'd read him the word and pray with him all the time.
If I were super mom I'd never tire and my kid would be perfectly happy.
But I'm not super mom.
The house is pretty much always a mess and don't get me started on the laundry.
There is always food on the floor and really, what's the point in a made bed?
I'm trying to feed him better meals, but sometimes, they aren't healthy things to feed him.
I read to him, but it doesn't happen every single day and he's a boy; he's going to be a mess.
I play with him everyday, but I know I need to do it more.
The same goes with reading him to word and praying with him.
I could always do more.
I may not be super mom. I will never be, but I love my son more than my life.
This is just what motherhood looks like... imperfect, but full of love.

Parenting advice. Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't.

"Parenting is the hardest job you will ever have."
Heard it. Lived it. Believe it.
Especially these last few weeks when it comes to me being a stay-at-home mom.

He cries. He screams at me. He hits me. He just doesn't want to listen to me.
He listens to dad way better, which I understand.
I may understand it, but its not going to work that way.
Yes, I know dads are more of the disciplinary, but he has to listen to us both.
It's something we will work on time and time again, I know.

It gets overwhelming sometimes.
Especially when its day after day.
I've needed an outlet, which usually is saying something on facebook, twitter, or blogging about it.
Maybe not the best option for me because it leads to advice.
Sometimes parenting advice is welcome, sometimes its not.
Today, its definitely the later.
I'll take it somedays. I'll follow it somedays.
But you know what I really want?
Sometimes I just want to SAY that its a rough day.
I just want to SPEAK the words, that this is hard.
It doesn't mean I want advice. That, at times, just adds to the frustration.
I know people mean well, but...
Sometimes I just want someone to say, "I get it." or "I'm praying for you."
Somedays that's all I want, that's all I need.

A realization

Yesterday was one of those days.
Not a great one, not a bad one.
Just one of those days where my 16 month old was screaming at me
And I couldn't help but think, "When did he get old enough to do this and who is this?"
There's just days like that as a mom.

He wants to talk so badly.
He jabbers and jabbers.
Sometimes I can understand what he is saying or what he wants.
Yesterday I knew he was mad when he screamed at me.
"Mom, how dare you take that crayon away from me!"
"How dare you wipe my face off!"
"How dare you pick me up when I won't follow you!"
I get it...he wants to do his own thing and he can, but he also needs to listen.

I had a realization yesterday...

On pinterest via keep-calm-and.tumblr.com

The first one was that I need to parent better.

Honestly, most of the time I have no clue what I'm doing.

How do I get him to not throw food off his tray,

How do I get him to stop screaming at me and listen. 

I don't know, but I do know one thing....

What I was doing, wasn't working.

I want to be a loving, kind, grace-filled parent and I can be, 

But that doesn't mean I have to let him get away with things. 

I've been afraid to be stronger in my parenting...

to tell him "no" in a firmer voice, 

to stop him from doing something that is harmless (like pushing the tv button off and on), but annoying. And I can't be that way... I have to discipline...I have to tell him no or its going to be a rough ride.

My second realization was that there are just going to be days like that.
Probably a lot of them.
Days where he just isn't going to listen.
Days where I have no clue what I'm doing and am not the parent I want to be.
That's okay...that's life.
I just have to pray through it and keep on swimming, keep on going.
That's life sometimes.

The truth about toddlerhood

I thought having a baby was hard.
And it was, of course, because your whole world is turned upside down.
In a good way of course.
Someone new to you.
Someone that fully depends on you.
Someone that changes everything.
But a toddler...oh, a toddler...they seem harder to me.

Sometimes Most of the time I don't know what to do with him.
I read books to him. He reads to himself.
He throws blocks.
Plays with his bear and crocodile.
He makes messes.
He eats and eats.
He stands at my feet and cries...

His attention span isn't super long of course because he's only (almost) 16 months old.
I try things, but he just isn't that interested.
Like playing with shaving cream.
Or finger painting, which he just wanted to eat.
Things only last a few minutes and then he wants to move onto something else.
He likes to play by himself and do his own thing.

Sometimes I feel like a failure when it comes to raising a toddler.

Like I don't play with him enough.

Or I wonder if he is learning enough...

But I know that's wrong. 

I know as he's doing his own thing, he really is learning.

I know that this is a stage and as he quickly grows there will be time to do more direct things. 

For now its okay that he only does things for a few minutes.

That he plays by himself. 

That I can't always entertain him. 

It's okay that sometimes the tv keeps him entertained for a bit longer. 

Toddlerhood may be hard, but soon enough...
I'll have another baby to take care of,
and Braden will seem so much bigger, because he will be bigger.
It may be hard, but I'll hold onto it and enjoy it as much as I can.
They are only little for so long.

Moments to remember

Do you ever have those moments, that in the moment,
you tell yourself that you want to remember this moment...
exactly how it is and how it makes you feel?

I do. I've had a lot of those with my son.
I want to remember the big moments and the small moments.
I wish I could remember them all.

When he was born and I first heard his cry. 

Oh, the joy and the tears.

When he rolled over, crawled, and took his first steps.

So exciting.

How he used to sleep on me after being nursed.

Oh, I miss napping with him. 

Singing to him before I put him into his crib.

"Rockabye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows...."

And how he lays his head on my shoulder, sometimes singing with me.

His laughter when kissing his belly

Or chasing him.

How he runs to stairs when he hears daddy come home.

So happy to see his daddy.

The feel of his head against my chest when he sat on my lap for a whole 15 minutes.

He wasn't fussy, he was just content.

That doesn't happen often enough.

The fact that he loves oreo cookies

And will go to the cabinet to get himself one.

His favorite stuffed bear

How he'll hug it and sleep with it

How he'll kiss it

How I used to have one just like it.

When I leave him for a bit...

How when I return, he smiles and reaches for me.

Bath time.
His favorite time.

So much splashing and squealing.

Being outside with him and how he just walks.

All he wants to do is walk and walk.

If you try to stop him or take him inside...he gets so upset. 

These moments and so many more... I want to remember.