Finding me

At times life gets really overwhelming because there's so much to it.
There is a husband to love and give time to.
There are children who almost constantly need me.
There is God time I am suppose to be having.
There are commitments. There are friendships. There is family. There are lists.
I get overwhelmed by all of it, sometimes, because lots of it happened so quickly.
There wasn't a lot of transition period from when I was married to becoming a mama.

I read this post by a lovely blogger the other day and couldn't help but think, "yes! yes! yes!"
It was something I could completely relate to.
At times, especially when there are hard seasons in life,
I find myself thinking about who I once was, when I was just me.

I used to have a more consistent, filling relationship with God.

I was confident in my faith.

I had girlfriends I would spend lots of time with. 

I was skinny and didn't struggle with my weight.

I had time to myself.

I was somewhat independent.

Now, don't get me wrong... the list of what was wrong with me is much greater (ha).

I was extremely depressed.

I cried a lot and made extremely bad choices.  

I struggled with loving myself and didn't look to God for love, the way I always should have. 

I wasn't healthy. My body weight, I believe, reflected that.

That "what was wrong with me" list isn't something I miss. 

I realize I shouldn't call it that because that's not nice ;) and it was a growing period.

It was a hard period and at times I wish none of it had happened, but God is good.

He brought me to it and through it. 

But that other list, I miss those things about myself.

Those were good things and the things that made my husband fall in love with me. 

Being married and having babies hasn't made it so I can't be those things.

Those things they've made me grow in good ways, ways God has wanted me to.

I would in no way change being married or having children,

But those other areas, I've lost them, because my focus was put elsewhere.

It's time to spend more time taking care of myself and being the person I feel I'm suppose to be.

So, instead of a word for the year, I have a phrase for the year -- Finding me.

Get back on track with God.

Stay more connected with my girlfriends... we're all so spread out! 

Workout and eat healthy (more on this soon).

Take some "me" time. 

Find myself. 

I want to be a better wife and mother. Finding myself will help with that!

Have you struggled with something like this? Tell me! It's nice to relate to my readers!

What life is and isn't about

Sometimes social networking gets to me. 

It really sucks me in and I spend far too much time on blogger, twitter, facebook, and pinterest. 

I am thankful for these sites because they do keep me connected with friends or the blogging world, but other times they can bring me down. 

This is especially true about blogging. To me blogging was never really about posting everyday, how many followers I was going to acquire, or about who I'd become friends with in the blogging community. Yet, it has easily become that and I am not happy about that. 

I don't need to post everyday, but when my heart wants to write or share. 

I don't need to have a ton of followers because that isn't why I started blogging. I write for me. 

I don't need to be friends with so and so. I am thankful for the friends I have met and would love to meet more people, but these things... that's not what life is about. 

I won't be defined though social networking. My blog or twitter or whatever isn't who I am.
Yes, I share pieces of myself in those places, but what defines me is God. 

God knows my heart...He is who its important to share all things with.

I may not have a ton of blog followers or friends via the net, but God loves me.

That is what defines me. That is what life is about. 

Life is also about being a good wife and mother. Its about loving people and growing. 

I don't ever want to lose sight of those things.

Things on my mind

There's been a lot on my mind lately and I wish I had a place to put them. 

So, here are some of my thoughts, that maybe I'd expand on if I were more vulnerable. 

Speaking of being vulnerable... its so hard. I need to be more open, I need to be more trusting.

Why is it so difficult for me? Why do I shudder at the thought? Why am I so fearful?

I have the cutest little boy in the entire world. And I cannot believe this baby bump. Or the fact that I'm going to have two to love and care for. Kinda freaks me out. 

The past is haunting and I wonder when it won't be, if it ever won't be. 

There's so much I want to write about, blog about... but I'm fearful of doing so. I didn't used to be so fearful of expressing myself in words, but I am now and I hate that.

This weather is absolutely beautiful. In the 60's in February. Crazy!

Why hasn't Braden said "Mama" yet? Will he ever or will he just call us both "dada" forever?

I feel like the laziest pregnant person. I really should fold that mountain of laundry, but I don't want to.

I don't play with my son enough. I know I don't. I have so much to work on as a mama and I wonder will I ever feel like I really know what I'm doing? 

Worry about friends, family, money... so much in life to worry about. I know I need to trust God will it all. Help me to trust You more God.

I'm emotionally a mess. That's how I've felt lately...anyway.

I don't want to go to church. I'm admitting that to myself (and to you) because I'm afraid that everyone sees what I've done wrong, all my mistakes. I know thats wrong, but I feel that in my heart. 

I have a lot to work on in my relationship with God and I should do that NOW. I want Him to be the biggest part of my life... the biggest part of my family, but if I don't work on it now, it won't ever be and that would tragic. 

I need to drink more water. 

I love my husband and my son so much... I don't know what I'd do without them. 

My husband is so supportive and loving. I'm so thankful for that. I don't tell him that enough. 

I miss my close girlfriends. 

Life is good. There are so many blessings and I need to focus more on those. 

Just a bit of my mind. What's on yours? 

More to me

I'm a wife and a mother, but is that all I am?
That sounds awful... but please don't read it that way.
It is what I love.
It is what I am meant to be.
I wouldn't change it for the world.
But is there more to me than that?

Honestly, there are moments when it doesn't feel that way.
Moments when I just want 30 minutes to myself to read, to sleep, to listen to the quiet!
Moments when the screaming and crying makes me feel as if I am going to snap.
Moments when I just don't want to be bothered.

Apart of me feels like I don't know myself.
Who am I, other than a wife and mother?
Because I know there is more to me, but what?

I'm a woman who loves Jesus even though I don't (most often) spend enough time with Him. I love to read. I used to be able to read all day long and I would do that now if I had the chance. I miss sleeping. Oh, I miss sleeping! I used to sleep too much, but now its a 6:30am wake up call! I'm not going to complain about that too much though because husband got up with Braden Saturday and Sunday and I got to sleep! It was glorious! I love my friends and I miss them dearly. I wish we weren't all so spread out, but I know that is His plan for us right now. I am a woman who loves and adores both her husband and baby.

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, with anyone else...but sometimes I do need a bit of alone time just to think and relax. Sometimes I just need to be alone.
Please tell me I'm not the only one with these thoughts!