Wordless Wednesday

Anniversary

Happy 2nd Anniversary to my wonderful husband! 

I can't believe its been two years because I remember it like it was yesterday. 

It's been two years of...

Love.

Good times and hard times.

A baby boy and a baby girl (soon)...

Traveling.

Flying.

Dreaming. 

Prayers. 

And so much more.

I love you James and am so glad I married you.

Thank you being a wonderful husband and loving me no matter what.

Dear Braden

Do you know how much I love you? How much joy you bring to my life? 

Your hugs and kisses are the best. Your smile, your laugh, can brighten up the darkest of days.

All of those things, they really are the best.

Do you know how much you remind me of your daddy? 

Sometimes you look exactly like him and I just love that. 

You're a lot like him too. 

Determined to do what you want, when you want, regardless of what others say. 

It drives us crazy at times, but we know that when your older, it will be a good thing. Most of the time.

I hope your passionate like your daddy. Goal driven like your daddy.

Do you know that you make me think of myself when I was little? 

You like to look through books.

And have me read to you (even though you can't sit still for an entire book). 

Reading was always something I loved and still love to do. 

You like to color and paint.

Grandma would always give me a pencil and piece of paper when I was little and it made me happy!

You make the same faces as me too.
I love that we share that. 

Do you know that you're a child of God? 

He loves you more than you could ever know. More than we could ever know.

He's known about you since before you we're born. 

He knows about your whole life and He will always be with you.

Do you know how excited I am for you to meet your little sister? 

I may be scared about it all... but I know you'll love each other.

I know you'll be the best of friends. 

I just can't wait to watch you together. 

Do you know how loved you are? 

Loved with all my heart. All your daddy's heart. And so many more people love you. 

We'd do anything for you and we'll always be here for you. 

Always. Don't forget that baby.

Motherhood is hard

I've been awful at blogging lately. Not exactly on purpose. There have been days when I've been far too tired pregnant, there's been too much to do, and then there was yesterday when the toddler pulled the cord for the internet and the tv out of the wall, and I didn't realize it. Plus, I've just been a bit down on myself when it comes to motherhood, so I haven't felt up to writing. 


Motherhood is hard. They tell you that when you're pregnant, but you don't really get it until you have to get up five times during the night to feed the baby that for some reason cries a whole lot. Then, somehow you may forget how hard it is until you have a toddler who hits and bites you whenever you bring him inside because, "Mom, why would you? It's my favorite place!" Doesn't matter that its 100+ degrees outside and your less than a month away from having another baby. Some days its just hard because of the fussing that takes place for reasons you don't even understand. Some days its just hard because of you and not the toddler. Honestly, that's how I'm feeling lately... like its hard because of me. I'm not impressed with the job I'm doing lately, not impressed with my mothering. 


The other night as my husband and I were laying in bed talking I confessed this and some of my fears. Toddlerhood is hard. Braden is growing and learning. He desperately wants to be independent, which is a great thing, but there are some things, we, as parents, can't let him do. We can't let him get out of the tub himself because even though he thinks he's big enough, he's not. We can't let him just eat the m&ms in the trail mix because his teeth will root, we can't let him stand directly in front of the tv because it will hurt his eyes. But these things... he wants to do... and when we tell him no or take him away from it, he loses it. He kicks, he hits, he's bites, he screams. You know, all the normal toddler stuff. I look at him like I don't know him sometimes and a lot lately, I catch myself yelling. 
"Braden, NO!" 
"Stop it!" 
"I'm not doing the fussing today!" 
I hate the yelling... it makes me cringe. It makes it worse. It makes me feel like an awful mother. It also makes me fear that I am hurting him emotionally. That's probably one of my biggest fears. I don't ever want my son to feel like I don't love him, to feel like I don't care. I love him with only the love a mother could give her son. I'd do anything for him and I hope he comes to understand that as he grows. I hope he also comes to realize that everyone has bad days some days. He does. I do. We do, as parents. I hope he realizes that even though we have bad days - days of yelling, of being the people we don't want to be, but that doesn't mean, we don't love. Because we do, we love a whole lot. 


Trying to be a better mom. Trying to have grace with myself and my sweet boy. 

Photos taken by Nikki Wiarda. 

Remembering our first date

^^^^ our first photo together ^^^^

Our first date was a few months before that picture was taken and it was different than most first dates. James and I had gone to junior high together, but we don't really recall one another even though we knew some of the same people and the school wasn't that big. We always joke that maybe there's a reason we can't remember one another -- maybe I couldn't stand his junior high self or maybe I was too awkward looking ;). James started talking to me via facebook when I was still away at college, when I was still a girl who was pretty darn sure I wasn't going to fall in love or let a guy near my heart EVER again. But we connected, talking about God and he mentioned maybe hanging out sometime, going to a movie, "just as friends". 

Honestly, I never thought it'd actually happen. I don't go out with people I don't know. Yet, when it came up again I was okay with the idea. I wasn't uncomfortable about going out with someone I'd never met. I wasn't freaked out. Totally a God thing. So we made plans to meet at the movies. I remember sitting outside the movie theater waiting for James, thinking it was really weird that I wasn't shakily nervous. We saw each other and as we walked towards one another I couldn't help but think about good looking he was. Much more good looking than his facebook pictures told. ;) James always tells me that I had a halo around my head. I laugh and look at him like he is nuts. 

Can I just say that first dates are awkward? Maybe more so for a girl? Especially when you say its just as friends? I wasn't sure about the whole "is he going to buy my ticket and how do I know?" But he did and it was only awkward on the inside. =) We went into the movie theater and shared a bit about our lives. I remember him telling me about his parents, that they were strong Catholics and that he had 9 brothers and sisters, that he was the baby. I was so surprised that he had that many siblings -- just WOW. I told him about my family and church. We talked about others things, I am sure, but those are the things I remember the most. 

The movie started and we watched for a while, but it (The Surrogates) was awful and we ended up walking out. We decided to go to Old Chicago and get something to eat. For some reason, it got strange here. I think it was me, really, having to eat in front of someone. Tell me I'm not the only girl with this issue, please!?! We ordered pizza and I barely ate a thing. We awkwardly looked at each other, not sure of what to say. At one point James said something like, "you know this isn't a date right?" HA! Oh my goodness... so awkward... but I think it was all nerves, really and not knowing what to say. I think I smiled and said okay or something lame. 

After that he asked if I'd like to go flying with him (I'm sure this came up at the movie theater as well) and I accepted.  Apparently he didn't want this "non-date" to end! ;) On the way to the airport we talked more and it was more awkward. I remember James saying something about how when guys and girls hang out it always feels like a date, even if it isn't. We laugh about this now because really, it was a date. =)

We got to the airport and I remember waiting as he got the plane ready. He stepped up onto the plane to check something and I remember seeing his shoe and in that instant I remember thinking, "I could fall head over heels in love with this guy." It scared me to death because remember I was the girl who wasn't going to fall in love or let a guy near her heart ever again. I think about that almost every time we go flying now... We went up in the sky and overlooked the city at night. It was so nice and I liked seeing his confidence in what he was doing. 

After that we drove back to my car and exchanged a few words about having fun.  We got out of his car and I quickly got into my car so he wouldn't touch me (ha, a long story about me not liking to be touched). We laugh about that now too. =) After that night we were pretty much together every night from then on, going on lots of non-dates. ;) 

I'm happy we went on all those non-dates. They led us to where we are now. 

Love you James. 

Linking up with Gussy Sews Inspiration Workshop about date nights.

Love is hard

I was just in the car minutes ago listening to klove, 

which I do at times when I need to feel uplifted and encouraged, 

but sometimes I hear hard things from there, sometimes I just feel convicted. 

I heard this song, for the first time, and it just struck me in the heart. 

I had tears streaming down my face... I'll explain, but listen...its really good.

Onto my explanation...

The other night at Bible study we were reading verses that had to do with loving people.

We are told to love people,

COMMANDED to love people, 

which is easy to do when people are easy to love. 

Yet, we are commanded to love those who are even hard to love. 

We are commanded to love people who we don't like, who aren't loving towards us.

That is so hard! I confessed to the other girls in my Bible study that there is a person in my

life that I really just flat out don't like. I feel a lot of bitterness and even hatred toward this person.

Every time this person comes to mind I feel those things fill my heart. 

I know its not right to hate. God tells us that.
I know that I am suppose to love this person regardless of how I may feel about them.

I know that I am suppose to love this person even if they aren't loving towards me.

I know that I should pray for this person because that is the ONLY WAY my heart will change towards that person. 

I've been in this place before... feeling bitterness and hatred so deep that it was in my life daily.

The thing about those things though... they may not even affect the person we feel them towards,

but let me tell you, they WILL AFFECT the person feeling them. 

I know this because at one point in my life, I laid in my bed for months, sobbing to God and writing to God to help me not hate. 

It eats at you. It hurts you. 

I'm in that place now again...where its becoming that strong and I don't like it! 

God doesn't like it either... 

That's what He was trying to tell me by playing this song, when I could hear it. 

So I'll pray about this and for that person because LOVE is the most important thing.

Without it, I have nothing. 

Friends, if you're feeling the same way I encourage you to listen to God's word and try with all that is in you, to not hate. It's hard, but since He commanded us not to do it, but TO LOVE, then 

He knows we can. For He wouldn't command us of something that He couldn't help us with.

If I were

Recently I've been thinking about how I want to motherhood differently.
I wish I could do it all right, but that won't happen.
I wish I could be the perfect mother, but really, there is no such thing.
No matter what anyone tells you, there is no perfect mother, no perfect parent.
I'm thankful for that because if there was... if there was someone to look at and say, "they are the perfect parent, they do everything right," I'd sure be depressed and down on  myself.
But if I were super mom, I'd do everything perfectly.
The house would always be clean. The laundry always folded and put away.
The floors would have never have food on them and the beds would also be made.
If I were super mom, Braden would always eat healthily.
I'd read to him every single day and he'd always be clean.
If I were super mom I'd play with him more than I do.
I'd read him the word and pray with him all the time.
If I were super mom I'd never tire and my kid would be perfectly happy.
But I'm not super mom.
The house is pretty much always a mess and don't get me started on the laundry.
There is always food on the floor and really, what's the point in a made bed?
I'm trying to feed him better meals, but sometimes, they aren't healthy things to feed him.
I read to him, but it doesn't happen every single day and he's a boy; he's going to be a mess.
I play with him everyday, but I know I need to do it more.
The same goes with reading him to word and praying with him.
I could always do more.
I may not be super mom. I will never be, but I love my son more than my life.
This is just what motherhood looks like... imperfect, but full of love.

I'm thankful God

Gave me these boys to love.

I love them so much.

Thank You God for placing James in my life 

And trusting me to be Braden's mother.

Thank You.

Moments to remember

Do you ever have those moments, that in the moment,
you tell yourself that you want to remember this moment...
exactly how it is and how it makes you feel?

I do. I've had a lot of those with my son.
I want to remember the big moments and the small moments.
I wish I could remember them all.

When he was born and I first heard his cry. 

Oh, the joy and the tears.

When he rolled over, crawled, and took his first steps.

So exciting.

How he used to sleep on me after being nursed.

Oh, I miss napping with him. 

Singing to him before I put him into his crib.

"Rockabye baby on the tree top, when the wind blows...."

And how he lays his head on my shoulder, sometimes singing with me.

His laughter when kissing his belly

Or chasing him.

How he runs to stairs when he hears daddy come home.

So happy to see his daddy.

The feel of his head against my chest when he sat on my lap for a whole 15 minutes.

He wasn't fussy, he was just content.

That doesn't happen often enough.

The fact that he loves oreo cookies

And will go to the cabinet to get himself one.

His favorite stuffed bear

How he'll hug it and sleep with it

How he'll kiss it

How I used to have one just like it.

When I leave him for a bit...

How when I return, he smiles and reaches for me.

Bath time.
His favorite time.

So much splashing and squealing.

Being outside with him and how he just walks.

All he wants to do is walk and walk.

If you try to stop him or take him inside...he gets so upset. 

These moments and so many more... I want to remember. 

A passion of mine

I love to write. 

The first time I remember writing a story was 3rd grade. 

I couldn't wait to get done with my math so I could work on my story.

And then as I got older I would spend hours writing in my journal.

Writing about things going on in life such as my first crush and first heartache,

prayers to God, frustrations, anger, things I wanted to change, things I was thankful for. 

In high school and some years in college I wrote for the school newspaper.

Writing was my way of getting my thoughts out. 

I'd write about things I was going through.

Hard things.

Convictions.

Passions.
God things. 

I loved it and felt like I was good at putting my thoughts into words.

I wrote without fear. 

It didn't matter what others thought because they were my words and they were 

important to me. 

I miss that, writing that way....
Writing things I'm convicted and have strong feelings about,
things I believe, passions I have. I miss writing without fear.
I want to do more of that because its important to me, because I love it.

So, hopefully there will be more of that around here.

A letter to my son

Dear Braden,

I love you so much. There aren't words to tell you how much I love you; there never could be.

I've loved you since you were growing inside me and everyday that love grows. 

I'd do anything to protect you and show you that I care. 

You've taught me so much - what joy is and how to laugh. 

You're the reason I know what unconditional love is. 

There isn't a thing you could do to make me stop loving you. I hope you remember that. 

You are a gift from God and I am so thankful that He chose me to be your mama. 

I can't imagine my life without you baby boy. 

I've heard many parents say that their heart breaks as their baby is growing up and I know its true.

My heart really aches to watch you grow and learn. I wish I could keep you small forever, but I

know I can't. I'm okay with that because I know just as you've made me smile and laugh being little, 

you'll do the same growing up. You may grow up, but you'll always be my baby boy. 

Always love,

Mama

From my valentine

What I woke up to. So sweet. Thank you, my husband! 

I love you so much... I know I'm not always good at showing it, but its always there. 

What I love about one

Having a newborn is a great experience... one I am looking forward to experiencing again months from now. I do, however, really enjoy having a one year old! Its such a fun age. 

I love how Braden is able to feed himself, how he is pretty much willing to eat anything.

Let me tell me, the boy LOVES to eat and drink juice. 

He knows that when we go through the line at starbucks he will get a juice box and he gets so excited.

I love how in the morning when I go to get him out of his crib, he stands up and reaches for me. Then, he puts his head on my shoulder. 

I love how happy he can be. Laughing and smiling constantly. 

I love how he plays. Always reaching for new things. 

I love how he is my little go-er. He constantly wants to walk... he's happy with just walking in a store.

He's so fast and whew, it can wear a person out!

I love how he talks. I look forward to hearing more from him. Especially the word, "mama" if he ever decides to say it! ;)

I love how at this point he'll still let me hold him and how there are those moments where he just wants his daddy.

I love how he wants his daddy... love hearing them talk and play. Its my favorite thing and could just make me cry because its so amazing.

I love the faces that he makes and how he gets them from me. 

I love how being outside is his favorite thing. He just wants to be outside... to walk, to run around, to play with his ball, to feel the grass in his hands.

I love how he has to have his big white bear with him at night. How he'll sit up and play with it.
How he'll grab it, bite its nose, and cuddle with it. So cute. 

I love how he's becoming his own little person. I love to see his personality and wonder who he will grow to be.

I love so much. 

Happy 1st Birthday!

He's so precious and happy. I love it.

I am so thankful for my boys. Getting pictures of them together, I love because their relationship is so special. They make my heart happy and thankful!

I love our love. 

Birthday party pictures to come sometime after his party Saturday!

A mama's fear (and a winner)

We all have fears. I think a lot of those times those fears aren't something that would actually occur, but still they are there. I have a fear that is new to me since becoming a mother. I fear that somehow my son is going to get hurt. I know he will get hurt in life because thats what happens. I cannot (and should not) protect my son from every little thing. Getting hurt is how we learn sometimes. By hurt though, I mean, horribly. I actually have vivid images in my head of this happening. I've yet to determine if thats normal or not.

My biggest fear is that he's going to be taken. I think I fear this because I see it so often.

Right now, theres a baby girl my sons age missing in Kansas City. She's been missing for over a month.

I cried in our bed over this. I cried saying, "I don't want anyone to take my baby!" I was so upset by this that my husband brought him into our bed for a while. Its a fear that I am sure would never happen, but it breaks my heart to think about it.

I also have other images in my head of him getting hurt.
Right now we're living in a place where at the bottom of the stairs there is concrete. 

I fear him falling down the stairs. I fear him not making it because of that.

The list goes on and on.

I tell you this for two reasons...

Maybe another mama can relate.

But mostly, I tell you this because of how I deal with it. 

I TURN TO God with these images, with this worry.

Because that is what I HAVE TO DO. 

I put them out of my head and out of my heart.

I GIVE THEM to God. 

I TRUST HIM with my son because after all, He is the one who is in complete control.

He has my son IN HIS HANDS.

I AM AT PEACE when turning to Him with this.

Giving these thoughts to Him means I am FREE from them! 

They don't have to stick around and haunt me.

I do not have to worry!

Dear God, I know You are constantly watching over my son. 

I know You love him and protect him always.

I cannot thank You enough for this! 

Thank You for taking this worry from my hands and holding it in your own!

The winner of the Shabby Apple Giveaway is Linda Yan (I used the true random generator...I'd post it, if I knew how!)Congrats! I will email you soon!

A challenge to myself.

Life is full of...

ups and downs,

success and failures,

joy and sadness,

aches and pains,

and so much more.

Life is full of so much. Its full of relationships whether they be relationships with

friends, family, acquaintances and sometimes a lot of the time relationships aren't simple, but rather difficult.

Relationships are full of...

ups and downs,

success and failures,

joy and sadness,

aches and pains, 

and so much more. 

Its one of the things I'm realizing about marriage. If anyone ever tells you that marriage is grand all the time or that its perfect, they are lying to you. I don't want to be one of those lying people, so here, I am telling you, that its hard. Since I started college, I've been making my own choices, mostly. I decided when to get out of bed, what I'd eat, who I'd hang out with, and where I would go. I know that some of these things may seem silly, but when you're used to deciding these things for yourself (and only for yourself) and you no longer have just you to decide for, its frustrating. Then you add parenting on top of it and that makes it even more difficult at times. 

Is it hard all the time? No? Sometimes its soooo good. 

Its nice knowing deep within your heart that God has placed you two together for a reason. Its a beautiful thing to have someone in your life that you know will always be by your side no matter what. 

Its great to wake up in the morning and have someone there. Its amazing to have someone to lean on and support you and vice versa. Marriage is a beautiful thing, but just like any commitment, it takes a lot of work and even more love. Its the same with parenting.

::Isn't my baby so little here? ;(:: 

I think its all about ones attitude and again, I won't lie, my attitude has been horrible lately. 

I've been moody and nagged a lot. I've let little, silly things get to me, and I've made a bigger deal out of things than I should have. Not to mention I haven't been the best at communicating things. So, heres my challenge to myself, for the week.... BE NICE TO MY HUSBAND, LOVE MY HUSBAND.

I love him with all my heart.

He is who God has given me.

A hard worker.

Dedicated.

Passionate.

Loving.

Honest.

So much more than what I imagined for myself. 

A few things we all have in common

Earrings: Gift. Tank: Forever21. Top(under tank): Wet Seal. Shorts: Old Navy. Sandals:Charming Charlie.

As I was getting ready for the day I started thinking about insecurities I have. Insecurities about myself, relationships, being a mom... the list goes on and on. Yet, God spoke to me and told me that He doesn't do insecurities. 

He doesn't do...

You're ugly, but does You're beautiful.

He doesn't do...

You're not good at that, but keep on trying!

He doesn't do...
You're not enough, but you're more than enough!
He doesn't do

hate, but does love.

We all have insecurities. Some may seem silly while others run deep.

You know another thing we all have in common? We're all loved by God.

We may not all know Him. We all may not have a relationship with Him or even want to, but that doesn't stop His love.

He loves each and everyone of us, exactly who we are and how we are, no matter what.

There's so much freedom in that...to be exactly who we are! 

Some lovin'

Do you ever simply sit back and watch babies interact with one another?

Its an amazing thing.

This took place at a playdate today. 

This little girl loves my little boy.

Last time she kissed him. And he cried.

This time she hugged him. And he cried. 

Both the mama's said, "awwwwww."

One day he will appreciate these things.

However, mama may not then! 

link up!

Note to self: I won't mess up my kid!

If you had asked me what my biggest fear was when taking my baby home from the hospital I would have told you I was so fearful that I was going to mess him up! I was so afraid that every little thing I did was going to cause him to grow up and be an emotional disaster! But as a good friend told me that it was very unlikely I was going to actually mess up my child. 

I won't mess him up by not picking him up the second he cries. 

I won't mess him up by letting him cry it out. 

I know some may disagree with that. I've read and heard multiple people's opinions and I understand everyones thoughts. I do, but I believe letting him cry it out for a while is okay. In the beginning of motherhood, it wasn't something I could do, but now thats he's 7 months old, its okay for him to fuss in his crib for a bit. He's not going to grow up and remember that we let him cry. Its not going to make it so he is an emotional mess.

I am not going to completely jack up my child if his schedule is off. This is a big thing for me right now. His sleeping schedule is such a disaster. I think we're getting it back on track, but its hard for all of us! He struggles with going to bed at a decent time. It will be after 10 before he decides he is tired enough to go to bed. I don't how it got to this point....something I did I am sure, but you know what, it isn't going to mess him up! Sure, its a pain and makes him hard to deal with, but it will be okay. We will figure it out!

I won't mess him up if I let him eat a s'more or give him ice cream. I know some people probably think thats crazy because he's only 7 months old, but its not like I give him a plate of s'mores or a bucket of ice cream. He had a s'more on the 4th of July and sometimes when I am eating ice cream he gets a few bites. Its not going to kill him or harm him. 

I could list a ton of things that I used to think would mess him up, but more than likely I am not going to do anything that will really harm him! I will never physically hurt him, I will choose my words carefully (sometimes I will mess up with this), I will protect him, and I will love him! 

It all comes down to love. If I love him with my actions and words I couldn't possibly mess him up!

If I show him the love of God and act like Jesus towards him, then I couldn't possibly mess him up!
Oh, what freedom there is in that!