A part of my story

This week is suicide prevention week and I came across this post from Jill.
I admire for her vulnerability and honesty.
Its not always easy to be those things, especially when it comes to something so personal.
I appreciated this post because I could relate.
I love reading posts that I have a connection to because it makes me feel less alone.
That's one of the reasons I love the blogging community so much.
They make you feel less alone and less crazy.
So, if you've ever struggled with depression
or suicide or had thoughts of hurting yourself, please go read.

Here's my story...

^^^Me, in one my last years of college^^^

I remember the first time I wanted to die, the first time I cut myself.
I was in 6th grade and overwhelmed with anger towards my dad,
missing a brother I never really got to know, grieving a friend who had died.

I remember being 15 and having my heart broken by a boy I never should have been with.
Sitting in my bed and just starring at the wall...
thinking there was no way I was going to get through this pain.
That's when it really started because I felt like I was drowning and suffocating at the same time.

I remember 7th grade and finally having enough, reaching out to a friend.
The same day my mom found out and I was rushed to counseling.
Many years of counseling and not much help.
I remember praying to God asking Him to just let me die in my sleep.

I remember college and how things only got worse from there.
My heart got more destroyed and broken in those years than it ever has.
I'd skip class, sleep, and cry in my dorm room.
I'd sit in the bathroom with the razor blade.
I'd never wanted to die more than I had wanted to those years.
I'd spent much time journaling my heartache to God.

These are just glimpses of it really.
I'm not sure my words can really describe those years and all that pain.
Really, only if I handed you my journal, but those are such private words.
I worked hard to overcome the pain, to overcome the desire to cut myself.
The truth though, it's still a struggle.
When I'm overwhelmed with life when its hard...
When I feel worthless and life feels hopeless...
When the past hits me out of nowhere...
When I feel like a horrible mom and wife...
Its still a struggle.
Just because I overcome it, doesn't mean I've fully overcome it.
For me, I can only overcome it a moment at a time.
I think that's the way it is with lots of struggles in life.
In the hard moments, I have to to give it to God.
I have to cry and pray to Him.
Lots and lots of that.
It's the only way I overcome it time and time again.
Without God I wouldn't be able to.
It is still hard, still painful with Him but He is the only one who can really carry me through.

I'm linking up with a fresh start on a budget for the September blogging challenge.

Comparison

Lately there's something that's been bothering my heart, 

something that's been stealing my joy and making me less confident. 

It's comparison to others around me. It's really been pulling me down. 

I think we all do this, especially as women. It's such an easy thing to do. 

I've been comparing lots lately. 

That women looks better pregnant than me. She's still so tiny and dressed cute. 

That woman lost the baby weight so quickly. That will NEVER happen to me. 

That woman has such cute clothes. I wish I could buy that (like I actually need more).

That woman is such a good mom. Her kids are perfect and don't act insane. 

That woman's house is decorated so great. I wish I was good at that! 

That woman goes on so many adventures and gets to see so many neat things. 

On and on and on... 

I seriously hate that list. 

I hate that those things seem so important to me. 

Because really, in the bigger picture, those things aren't that important. 

Those things, they don't define life and they shouldn't.

I don't want to struggle with comparison. 

All I want is to be thankful. 

I'm thankful I'm pregnant regardless of how much weight I may gain. 

I am thankful for the clothes I do have because come on, I have more than enough! 

I am thankful for my children. They really are great kids and no one is perfect. 

I am thankful for our new home. It may not be fully unpacked or decorated, but it will be.

I am thankful for the places I have been because really, I've seen some great things! 

I know this is a heart issue for me. 

I just feel bad about myself at times. 

I really need to give it to God and be thankful.

Do you struggle with this? How have you dealt with it? 

Happy Wednesday! 

One Thing

Today readers, I want to say one thing.
It comes from being a woman of God and something I feel strongly about.
It's a simple thing... but the world tries to make us believe otherwise.
I want to tell you that in this crazy, ever-changing world...
IT'S OKAY TO STAND BY YOUR BELIEFS.

It's okay to say that you believe what you read in The Word.
It's okay to put the truth out there.
It's okay that you don't give into what other's believe simply because of their response.
It's okay that you hold tight to what you know is the truth. To not budge.
It's okay to say that something is wrong because He says it is.
Or something is right because He says it is.
It's okay that you live fully for Him.
Actually, I think it's more than okay.
If your beliefs are what you know is the truth He is telling you, then you should hold tight to them.
He wants you to. He wants you to be the light, He wants you to show the truth.

I hope you find the strength to do that.
The truth is, at least to me, is that I'm not going to change anyone's mind and no one will change mine.
I accept that and that other's have their beliefs that they will hold tight to as well.
I hold tight to my beliefs, but I do it in love.
I am not going to be hateful, mean, or rude.
I'm not going to tear another down because we disagree.
I'll disagree respectfully and love them still.
Because you can disagree and still love, you can believe something different without judging.

So, hold tight to the word of God and what He tells you.
But love because He tells us that if we don't love, then we have nothing.

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On that note... be nice, be loving, be kind.
You may not agree with me whatsoever, but please be respectful in your responses.
Mean and hurtful responses to me or anyone on my blog will not be tolerated. 
Thank you! =) 

Heart Stuff

Life is so full of emotion.

Emotions that make you feel great...

And emotions that make you feel like you may lose it. 

Honestly, mine have been doing the later. 

I've struggled with depression since I was young. 

There were just things in life that weighed me down, things in life I didn't understand.

Or things I simply didn't know how to grasp or handle.

Like...

Being angry at my dad for cheating on my mom,

A friend dying when I was in 3rd grade,

Not getting to see my half-brother for years and years,

Getting treated horribly by boys. 

Even though I've dealt with a lot of those things, forgiven my dad, understood that death isn't really death if you know Jesus, seen my half brother, and clung to God because sometimes people are just awful, I sometimes, still don't know how to handle heart issues. 

I still get engulfed in anger to the point where that's all I feel. 

I still bawl my eyes out at times.

I still feel waves of depression hit me out of nowhere.
I still react quicker than I should and usually in the wrong way.

I eat to make myself feel better, which used to be the exact opposite. 

At times things just seem like too much. 

I wish I was better at sorting through heart things. 

I wish I handled my emotions better. 

Just what's on my mind today.

Are you good at handling your emotions?
Is there something that has helped you in this area?
I know really, I need to go to God about it. 

I know He can help, but that's the hard part too, knowing where to start with it all...

A longing for friendship

There is a deep need for something in my heart.
It's something, really, I've longed for since 2009, when I graduated college.
It's something I've longed for since losing a good friend and gaining her back, yet having it different.
This thing, the need for it, has grown even stronger since becoming a mom of two.
Friendship. That's what my heart wants.
Honest. Real. Friendship.

^^^ Me and my girlfriends on my wedding day^^^

I had a great group of girlfriends in college. The girls pictured above are just a few. 

Some of us lived together during the last two years of college and I miss that.

I miss having my friends right there... to talk to, listen to, cry with, laugh with. 

We aimed to be open with one another about our struggles in life and tried to go through it all together.
We're we perfect at it? No. Were things always pleasant? No. But we we're always friends. 

I miss that and probably always will, especially the relationship I had with my best friend.

It's different now because of many things, mostly because of me, which I may write about soon.

Really a different topic all together. 

Friendships change when you leave the place you all were together.

Now, many of us our spread out... 

Some in different parts of Kansas, 

One in California

One in D.C. 

And one soon heading off to Europe after she gets married in less than a few months.

Distance and life change things. 

We keep up as best as we can through emails, cards, phone calls and visits at least once a year.

I'm thankful for those moments and always feel filled up with friendship afterwards. 

I would never say these girls aren't good enough as friends because that's not true.

But honestly, I want friendships here. 

I want friendships where women are at the same stage in life as me. I want mom friends. 

I long for friendships where I can share my heart open and honestly.

Friendships where I can talk about things happening in my life without fear of judgement, just love. 

Friendships where I feel connected to other women in a deeper sense than just hanging out. 

I think as a woman, my heart needs that, I think it's suppose to.

I hope I find it soon or it finds me. 

I hope I have the courage to seek it out. 

Do you have close girlfriends?
Or find yourself in my situation -- where your close ones are farther away?

By the way, I feel the need to clarify that I do have friends! HA.
I would be miserable without my Bible study ladies, but one is leaving for Europe soon! 

What I want her to know

I've written before about how having a little girl terrifies me a bit. 

If I were to be honest, and that is the plan for these words, there is one reason I am scared. 

Its for her heart as a teenager and young adult.

I remember how sensitive my heart was. Some would say too sensitive. 

I remember how damaged it (and I) felt as I got older.

That scares me for her because that is what I desperately do not want! 

If you've read my testimony you may know a little more about the words I'm writing. 

I was a depressed teenager and even though some may say that is normal, I disagree. 

Feeling so hopeless you ask God to end it all or cutting yourself is NOT normal. 

I also because a depressed young adult who ended up in an awful relationship in college. 

There's a bit more about that in my testimony too.

That is what terrifies me the most. That is what could make me weep with fear. 

I don't want Maeva to follow in my footsteps. Do many parents want that of their kids?

No, I think they want them to be better, to experience better. That's what I hope.

I want Maeva to know that it is okay to hurt over a broken heart. 

That its okay to cry and express what she is feeling.

I want her to know that it is okay to ask for help and come to both of us. 

I want Maeva to know that no matter what has been done (because mistakes will be made) she can come to us and we will love her no matter what.... we will help her no matter what.

I want her, desperately to know, that there is a certain way she is suppose to be treated, 

a certain way she should be treated. 

I want her to know that no boy will completely fill her heart, that her heart, really, 

is for God and her future husband. 

I want her to know that she is meant to be respected - 

not called names, talked down to, hit, or pressured. She is to be treated well. 

I want her to know those things and so much more about these things. 

I know it comes down to her dad and I... 

Protecting her heart, setting limits, and knowing what's going on.

I know its about having open and honest communication with her about these things.

I know its about teaching her about God and what He wants in her life. 

I also know its about trusting God with her and her future.

He wants what is best for her. He loves her more than we do. 

Lord, help us to do this well. To protect her and love her. To show her what You want in her life.

Help us to do the same with Braden. They both need so much from us. Prepare us.

Pieces

There has been a lot on my heart lately.
A lot of conviction, guilt, and yuck.
But there has also been good things like joy and happiness.
Today I woke up with a lot bothering me, so I thought I'd try to write a bit out, here.

One thing I've been struggling with for a bit is comparing myself to others.
I think thats something I've done every once in a while,
but right now it seems to be a pretty big deal, a daily thing.

I've been comparing my pregnancy body to other women's.
"She isn't as big as me."
"She is so tiny."
"She looks good."
The thing is this is my second pregnancy and I didn't really lose any weight until I got pregnant.
I knew I'd be be bigger because of those two things.
I also know though, that these negative, comparing thoughts, aren't right.

Some days I look at myself and think I'm not so big.
So what if I was? Every woman's pregnancy is different. Second pregnancies are different!
I do not look bad. Some days I may not feel the greatest about my outer appearance, but thankfully my husband thinks otherwise and tells me often. Thank you James!

Another area I've been comparing myself is in motherhood. I've been doubting myself.

I think maybe its part of our sweet little Maeva coming in 59 days 

and questioning whether I can be a mom of two! 

Which I know, by the way, that I can because God is making it happen

and He will not give me anything I cannot handle! 

Two babies to love and have... what a blessing!

Comparing myself in this area is really bothering my heart. 

I see or hear about a friends child do this or that

and then my mind automatically goes to, "well, how come Braden isn't doing that?" 

"Why isn't Braden saying any numbers or letters?"

"Why doesn't he play this way or that way?"
"Should he be doing that?"

The questions in my mind go on and on. It seems like I'm comparing my son AND I do not want to do that! Braden is his own person and he plays the way he wants. He is smart. He is learning. 

I find myself wondering if I'm doing enough with him. Enough reading? Playing enough? On and on it goes. The truth is no, in some areas I am not doing as much as I should be, but I am not an awful mother. I am a good mom. I do my best and I love him dearly. 

Comparing myself and my mothering to others has taught me a few things. 

Mostly, really, that it is a bad idea. It puts me in a bad mood and takes away joy.

I don't need to do it! It is not healthy!

God made me who He made me for a reason. I can be no one else and no one else can be me. 

He loves me for me. I need to rest in those things.

Help me to rest in those things, Lord. Give me peace. Help me to love.

One thing that I've been extremely thankful for is being apart of She Reads Truth. 

Getting into the word everyday has been so uplifting to me! 

So encouraging! Exactly what I've needed! 

I really can't explain how great it has been!

On my heart lately... 

(ever since I watched a video on youtube about hell) has been the question, "what is enough?" 

"Is it enough to just read His word? To pray?"

"Is it enough to be saved? And how do I know I really am?"

"Is this person in my life saved?"

"Is this person going to heaven or hell?"

A lot of questions that are overwhelming my heart and scaring me a bit too.

But I'm coming back to the verse in 2 Timothy. 

"The Lord KNOWS those who are His." 

He knows me. He knows that I am His. He knows about the people in my life too. 

I know that if I rest in His truth, in these words, they will help my heart.

That is what they do! 

What's on your heart? Anything been overwhelming it lately? 

P.S. Don't forget to check out my 100 followers giveaway below! It's a good one! =)

Mama Guilt: What good does it do?

You know, before I was pregnant with my son,

I didn't even realize there was such a thing as mama guilt. 

I never would have thought of such a thing because why would there be such a thing?

I see no point in it. 

What's the point in making other mother's feel bad about how they are as a mom? 

What's the point in making them feel guilty to get them to do something or to not do something?

Shouldn't we, as mothers, encourage one another? Lift one another up? Love each other? 

Instead we guilt, guilt, guilt. 

We say you're an awful mother because you bottle feed, instead of nurse.

You're an awful mother because you let the tv be on for a long time ( totally doing this right now because guess what? I'm pregnant and tired!). 

You're an awful mother because you put your child on a leash. 

On and on, we guilt. 

I HATE it. Its RIDICULOUS. 

I don't see it doing any good in my life. All it does is make me feel bad about myself.

I don't need to feel bad about myself. I don't need to feel guilty.

I'm so thankful that God doesn't do mommy guilt. 

Instead He encourages, lifts up, and loves us mama's. Instead He does the same for our little ones.

So I decided something right now. I'm not going to do mama guilt to myself or to others. 

If I disagree with something there is a proper way to disagree. 

Most of the time I probably don't need to open my mouth about it. =)

I believe the only time to really say anything is if the child is really being hurt.

Beating your child? Yeah, its okay to say something, but I think that's different than mommy guilt.

But I'm not going to judge you if you bottle feed or have the tv on. 

I'm also not going to read articles about whether its a good idea to have your child on a leash or not! 

(I did this yesterday and it just made me mad). 

What do you think about mama guilt? How do you handle it?

Thoughts on Sandusky

I'm watching Dr. Phil. I do this sometimes, even though most of the time it leaves me in tears.

Todays episode is no different. Its about Penn state and everything involving this case against Sandusky. I haven't been paying much attention to it...I've been trying not to because I know it'd just upset me terribly. But I'm watching this today because not only is Dr. Phil talking about whats going on there, but also about how to be aware of sexual abuse in children. I think as hard as it is, its important to be aware of such things. 

That's not what I want to write about though. I want to write about whats on my heart about this. 

I'm trying not to bawl my eyes out because this hurts me deeply. Watching this, I'm learning things. I'm learning that for 10 years this abuse went on, before it was reported to the police. People saw things happening...horrible things and no one did what the law says they are supposed to do. They were supposed to go not only to the school board or people above him, but they were supposed to go to the cops. They didn't though...not for 10 years. Oh, the boys who could have been saved if only someone had done what they were suppose to, if only they had done the right thing! This makes me angry. I'm angry at Sandusky, yes, but its hard to not be even more angry at those who saw these things and did nothing. We're suppose to protect our kids! If we, the adults, don't do the right thing....if we don't protect our children...who will? Nobody. That makes me sick. It makes me want to refuse to let my child do anything when he grows up. It makes me want to keep him by my side always. It makes me want to never let him out of my sight. 

I'm angry. I cannot deny it.

I'm angry that this keeps on happening.

It doesn't seem like anything is being done to stop such things.

It breaks my heart because that isn't suppose to happen.

Innocence was ripped from these children. 

Their going to have deep emotional problems for most likely the rest of their lives.

Things like this make me so thankful for the fact that I know God.

God knows why this happens and He is a healer.

Theres some comfort for me there, but its hard because this sin...because I am a mother...gets to me more than anything else. 

I am also thankful that God will deal with people like Sandusky.

He gives them grace, that many people, like myself, struggle in giving to them.

Dear God, please be in the midst of this scandal. I know You are. I do.

Be close to all these people that have been hurt. Some of the kids he caused harm to are more grown up and some are still so young. Draw close to them God. They need you.
Show them your love and give them your peace. Help this be dealt with in the right way. Let there be justice. Please let their be justice. Amen.