Newborn photo session

The weekend after Maeva was born we got the chance to take newborn pictures.
The same friend that took our maternity photos also took these.
I'm in love with them and excited to share them with you!
Check out more of her photos - here.

Excuse me while I ramble about feeling like a failure

Its been rough here lately. 

I've backed away from being super honest in my writing. 

I used to be... without being scared, without being ashamed or sorry for my words...

Yet, I have others to think about when it comes to what I write about. 

So I don't lay it all out there. But today, I need to write more openly. 

Its been really hard here, lately. If you follow me on twitter you know I've been struggling. 

I appreciate all the nice comments and uplifting words. 

It truly does my heart good and helps me get through the day!

My heart has felt broken a lot lately... 

And I've felt as if I am reaching my breaking point of, I just can't do this anymore! 

There is a lot that goes into why. Some I can talk about, some I can't.

A lot of my emotions, I am sure, have to do with the fact that I am a mom of 2 under 2.
A toddler + an (almost) one month old are hard to handle, most of the time.
I love them both dearly, but my patience gets tested a lot.
Its hard to handle the pretty much constant crying and whining all day long.
Not to mention I can't put Maeva down for a second (unless she's asleep) or she will cry.
I don't want to complain about it, but it really, is the hardest job ever!
And in all honestly, I'm tired of hearing people say, "Oh, having kids is such a blessing."
Yes, it is, I won't deny it, but you know what?
Some days all I want to hear is the truth.
That sometimes parenting feels awful and (dare I say it) sucks.

It doesn't help that I feel like a failure as a mom.
People tell me I'm not, but that doesn't take away from feeling that way.
I struggle to discipline and that, I feel, has really bitten me in the butt.
Its hard to know how to discipline Braden.
I've had a few people tell me that he's too young, that he doesn't understand or know better.
I don't really believe that because I've seen him "know better", but I struggle in finding what discipline actually works for us.
I usually get so frustrated that I end up talking to harshly/yelling
Or giving him a pop on the bottom.
I hate both those things and they don't seem to work anyway.

I know part of it is that things aren't very structured...
As in he does what he wants a lot of the time and I'm clueless as what to do with him.
He plays with his cars A LOT, I read to him, and he watches too much tv because its easy.
Those things make me feel like a huge failure because I know I should be doing more with him.
I should be teaching him things, but I don't feel smart enough to know how.

I need to work on all these things, but some times it really feels hopeless.
Especially when I feel like I'm about to lose it taking care of two.
Part of me doesn't understand how other mother's do it.
They make it look so easy and effortless. Which I know is a lie, but still...

So, tell me, mama's, how do you do it?

Longing for structure

Its been a bit since I've blogged.
My computer was having issues but thankfully it is fixed now
And its a whole lot busier as a mom of two than I imagined it would be.
I love it, all of it, but honestly its hard to do anything other than take care of my babies.

I thought I was tired when I was pregnant, but I've reached new levels of tired.
I suspect I'm never going to feel like I never get enough sleep
And will be tired for the rest of my life. I think that's just life of a parent.

Even though I'm tired I know I need to get things back on track here.
I've given myself some grace (maybe not enough?) because it is hard to transition.
Its been hard because Maeva has acid reflux and cries a ton.
Praise the Lord that its gotten better since she's now on meds for it.
Its also been hard because she will wake up late at night and not really want to go back to bed.
She'll be up for a few hours and it really exhaust me.
Its hard because both babies are fighting for my attention all day long.
But like I said I want to get things back on track here.

I want to not be so exhausted that at some point I can make myself get up before the kids.
I want time for myself in the morning.
Time to drink my coffee, get back in The Word, do some reading for Bible study, blog.
I want time to maybe shower and get a few other things done.
I want time to breathe before things get crazy because oh, do they!

I know I can't do it all.
I know some mornings/days none of those things will happen.
Things won't go the way I want, but I am longing for some structure around here.
How do you mamas do it? Any secrets I don't know about?
Besides lots of coffee? ;)

Having a newborn

Picture taken by Songbird Photography

Having a baby the second time around is so different than the first. 

I remember being terrified of not only having Braden, but bringing him home.

I was scared I wasn't going to know how to provide for him. 

I was afraid he was going to get hurt or stop breathing in his sleep. 

I asked, "is this normal?" a lot. I called his doctor often. 

This time, with Maeva, it is so different. 

I wasn't scared of having her or bringing her home.

I knew that I was capable of taking care of her.

I wasn't afraid she was going to get hurt.

I know a bit more of what is normal.

Its still hard though. That's the one that isn't any different. 

My days are so full. Much more full than when it was just Braden and I at home. 

My days are full of feedings, diaper changes, and a baby in my arms. 

The days are full of a toddler pulling on my hand because...

He wants me to come with him and give him my attention, of him talking and talking. 

I thought it was hard to get anything done before, but now, it seems nearly impossible! 

Then, its hard because of other things...

I forgot about the newborn cry and how hard it can be to handle sometimes.

I forgot that sometimes no matter what you do... they still cry... 

It breaks my heart to hear sweet Maeva cry and to not be able to figure out why. 

I forgot how much sleep you lose, but I know I'm getting less now because now I have two. 

Yet, even though its tough and tiring, I wouldn't change it for the world.

I am so blessed that God has given me two babies to take care of.

I know He's there with me every step of the way, helping me through motherhood. 

Week 1

Maeva turned a week old yesterday. I can't believe she's already been in our world for a week! 

Time does go by so quickly... We know this, we know that we're going to blink and she'll be as big as her big brother. It scares me how time goes by so fast, so I'm trying to enjoy this little newborn as much as possible because really, they are only babies for a short time! 

Its been an interesting week.

We had Maeva's first appointment on Friday and she is almost back to her birth weight! I was a bit nervous that she wasn't getting enough milk, but the doctor reassured me that considering she is almost back to her birth weight, she most definitely is getting enough to eat! 

She sleeps A LOT. I don't remember Braden sleeping this much, but maybe he did.
Sometimes I wake her to eat because she's slept for so long or because I'm in pain and NEED to feed her! ;-) 

Speaking of sleep. I am definitely not getting enough! Surprise, surprise huh? 

She does sleep well at night... only waking up about 2 times.

However, she makes lots of noise in her and that's woken me up!
Sometimes she sleeps so well however, that I have to get up and pump, so yeah, just not enough sleep for mama. 

She is very alert and wide eyed when she is awake and wants to just eat! 

I'm loving it...seeing her eyes open and nursing her.

A precious time!

Yesterday was my first day home with big brother and her.

Its challenging at times, but do-able.

Will go a lot better after I am completely healed from my c-section.

However, we do wish daddy could always be at home with us!

Braden seems to be adjusting well to the role of big brother.

He stops and just stares at her sometimes. 

I look forward too seeing him grow in that area.

Speaking of growing, he is SO big, but more on that later...

We had the chance to have some newborn pictures taken this past weekend.

I'm excited to share them with you.

Here's a sneak peek...

Photo by SongBird Photography Headband c/o much love illy

Right now, both babies are down for a nap, so that's where I'm headed!
A nap! Thank you Jesus!

By the way, I might suck at blogging for a bit.

I want to blog, I love to blog, but its not always going to happen.
Thanks for being understanding in the lack of posts or replies! 

:-)