Longing for structure

Its been a bit since I've blogged.
My computer was having issues but thankfully it is fixed now
And its a whole lot busier as a mom of two than I imagined it would be.
I love it, all of it, but honestly its hard to do anything other than take care of my babies.

I thought I was tired when I was pregnant, but I've reached new levels of tired.
I suspect I'm never going to feel like I never get enough sleep
And will be tired for the rest of my life. I think that's just life of a parent.

Even though I'm tired I know I need to get things back on track here.
I've given myself some grace (maybe not enough?) because it is hard to transition.
Its been hard because Maeva has acid reflux and cries a ton.
Praise the Lord that its gotten better since she's now on meds for it.
Its also been hard because she will wake up late at night and not really want to go back to bed.
She'll be up for a few hours and it really exhaust me.
Its hard because both babies are fighting for my attention all day long.
But like I said I want to get things back on track here.

I want to not be so exhausted that at some point I can make myself get up before the kids.
I want time for myself in the morning.
Time to drink my coffee, get back in The Word, do some reading for Bible study, blog.
I want time to maybe shower and get a few other things done.
I want time to breathe before things get crazy because oh, do they!

I know I can't do it all.
I know some mornings/days none of those things will happen.
Things won't go the way I want, but I am longing for some structure around here.
How do you mamas do it? Any secrets I don't know about?
Besides lots of coffee? ;)

Fear

As excited and ready as I am for Maeva to be here, as excited and ready as I am to have her as part of this family, I'm scared. There's the normal fears that I've written about such as questioning whether I can be a mom of two, which I know I can. But there's a bigger fear that has set on my heart.


Fear for my son. 

So far, in his almost two year old life, its only been us. Daddy, mommy, and him. He is the one who gets all of our attention, he is the one who gets all our love. He really has no idea how his life is about to completely change. I worry about how he will handle it. I've had multiple people say that its going to be awful - he's going to be so jealous and a mess. I hate that. So discouraging and not helpful to my heart at all! 

They say you don't know love until you have a child. Its true - when you hear your baby for the first time, when you hold them, it feels as if your heart may just explode, with the love you are feeling. Its such an overwhelming, beautiful feeling. A gift from God. Braden has made me feel like that... from the first time I heard his cry and cried myself. To the first time I held him and he just looked at me, knowing I was his mom. To the moments where he's done something and my heart just stops in awe. He's such a sweet boy and I love him dearly. 

My fear is that, when Maeva comes he won't know that. My fear is that he will forget. 

I'll still give him attention, I'll still love him with all my heart. I'll still kiss him, hug him, hold him, but it won't all just be for him. Maeva will get a lot my attention... when she cries, when I need to nurse her, hold her, play with her, and on and on. It won't all just be him and mommy. I fear that he'll feel unloved then. That's my biggest fear. I'll try with all I can to show him otherwise, to have just mommy and Braden moments, to still kiss, hug, and hold him during the day. To still give him things he loves and kiss him goodnight before bed. I want both my children to know I love them the same because I do. 

Giving my fear over to God. Knowing that its simply just fear that won't take control of my life and doesn't have to be true. Knowing that I have enough love in my heart to give them both.

Be present

We were headed back home from errands and Braden fell asleep in his car-seat.
Considering I'm pregnant and was in need of the ladies room,
I didn't want to sit in the car, in the garage, like I normally would until he woke up.
So I got him out of the car-seat as gently as I could.
He snuggled on my shoulder, as I carried him to his crib. I didn't want to put him down.
I wanted to hold onto my sleeping toddler because he doesn't nap on me anymore.
I miss that... him sleeping on me, not wiggling, but just peacefully asleep.

In that moment I was convicted. Convicted to be more present in my child's life.
What things keep me from being present? The list is long... much longer than I want,
much longer than it should be. The computer, my kindle fire, my cell phone, the tv...
those are the things that often distract me from my son. Other things that distract me: A messy room, piles of laundry, being tired, the list of things I WANT to do. I know, though, that these
things aren't worth much. They are not worth ignoring my child. I don't purposely do it, but
I do it. I want that to change. It needs to change.

I saw a question the other day aimed towards mothers, towards parents.
The question was something like, "What would your child say is most important to you?"
I don't want my son saying that the computer or my cell phone is more important.
The internet - facebook, twitter, pinterest, email - can wait.
The dirty dishes, the piles of laundry, the crums on the floor - can wait too.
I know all of that will still be there!
I don't want my son to think those things are more important than he is.
Because they aren't, but I am sure that's what I am saying to him, when I put those things above playing with him, spending time with him.
As a stay-at-home mom, I feel like my job is just that, to be a mom.
To take care of him, play with him, read to him, spend time with him, love him, just be with him.
I want to do better at that.
So I'm trying to take a step back from the things that distract me.
Be on the computer, my phone, less. I'll fail, probably a lot, but I want to spend time where time needs to be, where time is the most important.
With my son.
I want to soak him up. I want to enjoy him.
All of him because there is so much to soak up and enjoy in toddlerhood.