A letter to my younger self

Dear Kassie,

I'm writing you today hoping that you'll read my words and think about them.
I'm not writing you to shame you or make you feel guilty about the life you've lived.
Not about your teenage years, your college years, or even your young adulthood years.
There's none of that here and I don't claim to be wiser than you.
My words, all of them, I hope they just say to you, "she's been there, she gets it."
Since you're a teenager, you probably don't want to read these words,
 but please, I hope you will.

From the time you become a teenager, at the age of thirteen things will feel rough.
You won't understand all your emotions.
You won't know what to do with them or how to work through them.
You'll find yourself depressed even though you don't really know about that word.
You'll cry and be told to hold it in, to not cry.
But you know what? You cry anyway because it's important to let those emotions out.

You go ahead and cry because you're angry at your dad for cheating on your mom,
for not being there they way he should have been.
Don't feel guilty about being angry at him because it's okay to be angry about that.
You go ahead and cry because you miss your brother.
You're hurting because you aren't getting the chance to know him,
and it is perfectly okay to cry about that.
You go ahead and cry because your friend died.
Death is such a hard thing to understand and always will be,
but you'll come to know God and that will make it a tiny bit easier.
You go ahead and cry over getting your heart broken by a boy for the first time.
Oh, how I wish that were the last time!
I wish I could protect you from that more than anything.
You go ahead and cry after you hurt yourself for the first time,
because that's not how it's suppose to be.
You're never suppose to feel like there is no one to turn to,
You're never suppose to feel like the razor blade is your only choice,
You're never suppose to feel like death is the better option.
I wish someone had been there to help you through it all.
I'm sorry there wasn't.

Fifteen was a hard age too.
That was the age your heart really got broken.
I'm sorry for all of that, more sorry than you can know.
I wish someone had been there to watch over you, to keep you safe.
You didn't know any better because you weren't taught any better.
The same goes for college.
College will hurt a lot, more than anything ever has before.
You will be in the worst relationship.
You'll make choices you wish you hadn't.
You will hurt yourself more than you ever have because you don't know what else to do.

I'm sorry you were in relationships that left you feeling bruised and broken.
That's not love, you may think it is, but I promise that love won't treat you like that.
Love isn't name calling or guilting you into things.
Love isn't making you feel worthless and like you'll never be anything.
I know you feel that way.
I know you feel unloved and broken.
I know there's so much weight on your heart,
at times you feel like you can't breathe because of it.
It will get worse before it gets better.
I hate to tell you that because I know you're in so much pain.
Hold tight to something though...
Hold tight to the promise that it will get better, you will get through it all.
Hold tight that you may never feel over certain things,
but the pain gets lighter, life feels better.
One day you'll wake up and it won't hurt nearly as much
and many years down the road you'll meet the man for you.
You'll fall in love, get married, and have beautiful children.

I know that probably seems surreal.
You're thinking you are never going to give your heart away again,
you are never going to trust again and guys will always break your heart.
I promise you though, it won't always be that way.
I hope that promise helps with the pain.
From then until now I hope you cling to hope.
You can find hope in Jesus and in friends.
I hope you can find a bit of hope in my words.

You are stronger than you know.

Love,
Kassie


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