The loss of a friend (and the lessons it taught me)

As far back as I can remember I've always had a best friend.
In elementary school it was someone I enjoyed playing with,
but as I grew the term "best friend" became to mean something different.
A best friend became someone to not only enjoy time with,
but also to share heartaches, secrets, and life with.

I met the girl I knew would forever be my best friend in college.
I think it was an unexpected friendship,
but one that really kept me going in college when I felt like I couldn't.
College was painful, to say the least.
There's no doubt in my mind that it has been the hardest part of my life.
Without this friend, there are times I would have hurt myself.
There were even instances where I probably would have tried to end my life.
Or maybe times I would have succeeded.

By the end of college though, everything changed.
We experienced some similar heartaches in college, some similar pains.
Some how I'd gotten in my head that I knew better than her.
That I had somehow come through my rough parts smarter and wiser than her.
I thought I knew what choices she should make and got angry when she didn't.
It was completely ridiculous and horrible, not to mention hurtful.
I think that was part of having gone through so much awful,
I couldn't see that I will still in the midst of it, that I was still broken.
I couldn't see that I really didn't know crap
and that I was trying to push on her, the decisions I wish I'd made.
It sounds like such a huge mess just typing it out and it was.

All that was too much for our friendship to bear.
I still remember the day things felt different and the day we stopped speaking.
The last two months of college without her hurt a lot.
There was a crushing pain on my heart without her, masked by a lot of anger.
And it lasted for a while after college.
I still remember sitting on my bed, in my parents house crying because I missed her.
I still feel the ache in my heart even though we've reconciled and are friends.
It's just different, very different.
In ways it should be and in ways I wish it wasn't.

It taught me a lot though...
having her as a friend and losing what we had in our friendship.
It taught me that I'm a huge control freak (still am) and really need to work on that.
It taught me that I really don't need to carry every single burden on my shoulders.
It taught me that I just need to love people instead of judge people.
It also taught me that sometimes I just need to breathe and let things go.
All things that are hard for me, things I have to work on daily,
but things I've gotten maybe, kind of, better at. At least I hope.

I know these things are important is all relationships.
In friendships, in my marriage and with my kids.
If you're too judgmental and controlling, you really have no time to just love.
And that's what life is really about... loving.

Have you lost a friendship or relationship because of something similar?
Has it taught you anything life changing?
I know these lessons are ones I won't soon forget!

The worst friend

I managed to get a day behind in the September blogging challenge, so today's post was actually suppose to be yesterday's post. Preggo brain, I tell ya! ;)

The prompt was the worst day/event in your life.
Truthfully I know the worst event in my life...
(I wrote vaguely about it here),
but I can't bring myself to be anymore honest about it here on my blog.
Certain things are just too personal and affect not only myself, but others as well.
I've decided to share something else I've thought about sharing before.
I want to tell you about the time I was a horrible friend, the worst actually.
This is definitely one of those times that sticks out as one of the worst events in my life.

^^^Me, that summer^^^

The summer between my sophomore and junior year in college,

it was suppose to be a great one. 

I wasn't going to go back home, but live with a friend and her family. 

She was younger than me and I thought of her as a sister. 

We had a great relationship or so I thought, 

but when you start a relationship based on dislike for a guy you've both dated, 

it probably isn't that great of a relationship. 

I had high hopes for that summer. 

I looked forward to getting closer to this friend

because I really believed we could be best friends.

However, that guy came back to town and everything went horribly wrong from there. 

If you read this post, then you know that I had an extremely hard time getting away from said guy. 

That summer was no different...

and because my friend was still heart broken from that relationship,

it turned everything into a huge gigantic mess. 

I didn't stop seeing him that summer and it destroyed that relationship. 

I want to say that was one of the hardest summers of my life. 

It definitely is up there on the "this sucks" list. 

I struggled so much, I felt pulled in so many different directions. 

I remember her mom coming to me, asking me what was going on. 

I don't remember how I responded, but I remember how I wanted to respond and didn't. 

My heart and head were screaming, "HELP ME!" 

Because the truth is... I needed help, so much help. 

I needed a parent that summer. 

I needed someone to stop me from destroying myself and that friendship.

I didn't ask though, so I didn't get it. 

The summer was hard. I crushed my friends heart. I betrayed her. We stopped talking. 

Then, I went back to college and the guilt hit me full force. 

I don't know why it took me so long to realize how horrible I'd been. 

Honestly, I think I knew I was being awful, 

but I was so wrapped up in my own pain, 

I didn't know what to do or how to stop what was going on. 

I tried to mend it. I tried to get out of that relationship. 

I couldn't though. I wasn't strong enough and truthfully, I was so selfish. 

I cried many tears over this. 

Knowing that I had hurt my friend so deeply caused me a lot of pain. 

I hate hurting people. Such a horrible feeling knowing you've caused others heartache.

I felt sick about it constantly. 

I felt ashamed and guilty. 

I remember being on my knees in my room sobbing to God about how sorry I was, 

how I wish I'd never been so horrible, 

how I just wanted forgiveness,

and how I missed her desperately. 

It was one of the hardest things I'd dealt with. 

It may seem silly to some, but like I wrote yesterday, I feel deeply. 

I still think about her often. 

I still struggle with the guilt. 

My heart still aches knowing how horrible I was, how awful I made another person feel.

I hate hurting people. 

I think theres a lesson in every mistake we make. 

I cringe to say this was a mistake because it feels so big, 

but really I just messed up big time. 

The lesson though? For me, it was that I need to be a little less concerned with myself. 

I needed to work on being a better friend and I tried really hard after this. 

I wasn't always the best friend to people. 

Gosh, I've messed up more times than I want to admit. 

But I've tried and I am so thankful for the friends I do have.

The ones who stuck by me, loved me, and forgave me every time I did mess up.

A longing for friendship

There is a deep need for something in my heart.
It's something, really, I've longed for since 2009, when I graduated college.
It's something I've longed for since losing a good friend and gaining her back, yet having it different.
This thing, the need for it, has grown even stronger since becoming a mom of two.
Friendship. That's what my heart wants.
Honest. Real. Friendship.

^^^ Me and my girlfriends on my wedding day^^^

I had a great group of girlfriends in college. The girls pictured above are just a few. 

Some of us lived together during the last two years of college and I miss that.

I miss having my friends right there... to talk to, listen to, cry with, laugh with. 

We aimed to be open with one another about our struggles in life and tried to go through it all together.
We're we perfect at it? No. Were things always pleasant? No. But we we're always friends. 

I miss that and probably always will, especially the relationship I had with my best friend.

It's different now because of many things, mostly because of me, which I may write about soon.

Really a different topic all together. 

Friendships change when you leave the place you all were together.

Now, many of us our spread out... 

Some in different parts of Kansas, 

One in California

One in D.C. 

And one soon heading off to Europe after she gets married in less than a few months.

Distance and life change things. 

We keep up as best as we can through emails, cards, phone calls and visits at least once a year.

I'm thankful for those moments and always feel filled up with friendship afterwards. 

I would never say these girls aren't good enough as friends because that's not true.

But honestly, I want friendships here. 

I want friendships where women are at the same stage in life as me. I want mom friends. 

I long for friendships where I can share my heart open and honestly.

Friendships where I can talk about things happening in my life without fear of judgement, just love. 

Friendships where I feel connected to other women in a deeper sense than just hanging out. 

I think as a woman, my heart needs that, I think it's suppose to.

I hope I find it soon or it finds me. 

I hope I have the courage to seek it out. 

Do you have close girlfriends?
Or find yourself in my situation -- where your close ones are farther away?

By the way, I feel the need to clarify that I do have friends! HA.
I would be miserable without my Bible study ladies, but one is leaving for Europe soon!