My struggle in abiding

I've been struggling lately. A LOT.
With my anger, with my emotions.
Some of it aimed at my children, most of it aimed at my husband.
It's been out of control. I've felt out of control.
I'll admit that I've been a bit of a crazy person lately.
They haven't deserved any of it and I've know that.
Yet, it's so easy to lash out. It's so easy to lose it.

Yesterday, I was feeling so tired of it all.
Lies were coming at me left and right.
"You're a horrible mother!"
"You're an even worse wife!"
"You can't do anything right!"
"You are so alone."
The list of lies that hit me on a daily basis could go on and on.
But the thing is, they are all lies. There is no truth in those things.
Sure I mess up. I'm not perfect. But who is?

I shared my struggles on twitter
and was encouraged by a friend to spend some time in the word.
It is exactly what I needed to do and found myself doing so for over an hour.
So often I feel thirsty for His word, but feel like there isn't ever time to drink it in.
I'm a mom of 3 kids 3 and under. When do I even have time to breathe?!?!
As I sat there with my Bible open I chose to read verses about abiding in Him
because my soul knows so much, that is what I need!
As I read about abiding in Him and Him abiding in me,
I knew I hadn't been doing so in a while.
I knew instantly that this is why I'm struggling with anger,
with my emotions, with heart issues.
If we do not abide in Him, how can He abide in us? He simply cannot.
If we do not go to Him, fruit will not come.
If we do not spend time with Him, the one of peace, we will not feel peace.
Even today, these thoughts still linger and I know that abiding in Christ is a must.
If I want to feel peace and not anger,
If I want to be in control of my emotions instead of them controlling me,
If I want my marriage and children to thrive,
If I want to grow and be like Christ,
then I MUST abide in Him.
I will struggle with this, going to Him day to day,
as much as I should because I am human. I am not perfect.
It is part of my sin, this struggle, thinking I can do it all alone.
Looking at my life though and feeling all I am, I know I cannot.
So abide in Him, I will and the fruit will surely come.

Do you struggle with this?
What has helped you?

My Struggle with Advent

Christmas is upon us and this year there's a long is my heart for it to be different. 

So, I go through readings and scripture this advent, hoping it will be. 

Yet, when I use the word advent, 

I really am meaning my relationship with Jesus as a whole.

Advent is the specific days on the Calendar,

that we are able to remember the hope of the Lord,

But that hope, it's there always… 

no matter the season, no matter the day, no matter the time. 

I'm longing to remember that hope every single moment, every single day. 

I'm longing for it to deeper. I'm longing for it to change me. 

But it's a struggle. 

I've gone to church since I was a little girl. 

I remember being that girl in elementary school…

who said once she had a choice, she'd stop going. 

She was bored with it. She didn't understand it. 

There wasn't much meaning to it. All she knew was it stopped her time with friends.

Then I was that girl in high school who decided to step away from the church she was going to, and go to another. 

Church became different for her then. 

It was a place she wanted to go, a place she wanted to be. 

Its where she came to know about Jesus and who He really was.

It was the place where there was a change in her. 

Life wasn't easy then, but there was hope. 

Jesus was only a prayer away and she prayed often. 

Life may not have been different, but the hope, made it feel different. 

It made her realize life was different. 

And then she went to college. 

And it was a struggle. 

I went to a private Christian college believing it was going to be the best place.

I was going to grow in my faith and it would be an amazing, life changing time in my life. 

And I did. And it was, but not in the way I had pictured. 

There I lived for four years…. 

crying many tears, praying many prayers, and making far too many poor choices. 

The words "poor choices" really isn't fitting at all. 

There I caused a lot of harm and there was a lot of harmed to me. 

There was the place, my junior year I found it hard to step inside a church. 

I rarely went and when I did, all I could do was cry as I sat there. 

Ashamed of my choices and heartbroken because of it all. 

Terrified that every person in the church could see every single thing I'd done wrong. 

It was a struggle and clearly, still is. 

I've gone to church a handful of times…

since returning home from college over 4 years ago. 

We, as a family, have gone even less than that. 

I give a lot of excuses and blame a lot. 

I rarely ever take responsibility and admit that the reason church is hard, 

that the reason advent is hard, 

is me…. all me. 

So here I am, admitting that church is hard…

My relationship with Jesus is hard… 

And it honestly has a lot to do with college. 

The pain, the brokenness, the hurt there. 

Church and my relationship with Jesus haven't felt the same since. 

I'm hoping though and praying that this season of Advent changes it. 

That in reading through She Reads Truth and Make Him Room will change my heart. 

I'm hoping it will help to heal the still hurting parts and help me to see more hope. 

Because it's there in Him. It always has been and always will be. 

I'm hoping it will help me to get rid of the excuses and the blame and be willing to go to church. 

That's what I'm hoping for this season of Advent. 

What I'm praying for. 

What about you? 

The Lie I Overcame

Today I want to introduce you to something special.
Something that I believe every woman can benefit from.
It's a movement called Overcome The Lie.
It is about overcoming all the lies we face.
There are so many in this world that can cause much heartache and pain.
We all face them, but there is hope!
That's where this movement comes in...
A movement of women who are speaking His truth!
We can overcome the lies because Jesus overcame the grave!
He never intended for us to believe the lies,
But instead to believe in Him and His truths!

I believe it is important to share our hearts as women. 

It is important to share the lies we face and battle them together.

So, today I'm also sharing a lie that I have overcome,
A lie that took me years to overcome.
It isn't something I write about often, but today I want to share. 

The lie I once believed was that I deserved to be treated badly by guys. 

Honestly, I'm not sure when I started to believe this lie.

Part of me believes that it probably started with not having my dad around much.

That, in itself told me I wasn't wanted, wasn't good enough. 

As I grew up I wanted to be loved and it didn't really seem to matter from who. 

When I was 15 I found what I thought was love from a guy 3 years older than me. 

He took advantage of me and then broke my heart. Multiple times. 

He would tell me he didn't want me, he would be with other girls, we'd break up.

Over and over again the cycle went. 

I thought that relationship was the worst of it, but then I went to college.

From my freshman year until the end of my junior year I was in an abusive relationship. 

Those years were the worst for me. 

I remember constantly being lied to. 

I remember constantly being called names - the b word, a slut, ect. 

I remember the cruel jokes that left me thinking, "What kind of person does that?" 

I remember being so depressed that I couldn't get out of bed, eat, or go to class.

All I could do was cry, throw things, cut myself, and drink. 

All those moments I heard Jesus calling to me.
I heard Him telling me to run, to get out.

I tried many, many times, but it never was for long, not until my breaking point. 

^^^Me in college^^^

I still remember that night.
I was watching a movie with my best friend when I got a phone call about him. 

It was a mutual friend saying they couldn't find him.
That he'd been drinking and doing drugs. 

I told our friend that it wasn't my problem any more. 

We hung up and he called back saying he found him and was bringing him to me.

I panicked because I couldn't handle him when he got this way.
I told him to take him home and hung up.

I was terrified, so I called his mother and explained things. 

She, of course, was panicked herself and said she'd call me back.
The next time I answered it was him. 

He was laughing cruelly at me because I'd fallen for it all. 

He was fine, just getting back at me for saying it was over,
I couldn't be with him for a second longer. 

I screamed some not so nice things and told him to never speak to me again.

Then I hung up and threw my phone across the room. 

After picking it up and putting it back together I had a message from him. 

It was full of name calling and many cruel things. 

I was in shock, unable to believe that things could get this bad. 

But I was also completely done. 

Things got worse from there.
There was a time when he played such a horrible joke on me...
That my life felt like it could be over.

It sounds dramatic and a part of me wishes I could share it,
But it's really not for this space. 

I hadn't talked to him for a few months,
But he called me in the summer to lie to me, to terrify me. 

It worked. I thought I was going to die. 

Not in a dramatic way. But that lie, if it were true, could have killed me. 

Those two things were my breaking point,
But at the same time they were my starting point. 

My starting point of going to Jesus for healing and truth. 

My starting point of realizing that I didn't deserve to be treated like trash. 

It took so much to overcome the lie,
That I deserved everything that was thrown at me. 

I spent a whole summer writing letters to God in my journal, 

laying in bed bawling my eyes out, and praying.

It took anger, a broken heart, and lots of relying on Jesus to overcome the lie. 

It also took meeting my husband and realizing that not all guys are awful. 

All these things made me realize that God loves and cherishes me. 

I deserve to be loved, respected, cherished. 

I overcame this lie with Jesus. I know He is the only way I was able to. 

That's the lie I overcame.
And there are so many more women out there that have much to share.
Need to share your own? Need to be encouraged? Simply want to know more?
Check out Overcome The Lie on twitter, facebook, and the blog.

I can't be a mom today

I have days, like yesterday, where I think that.

Days where the moments feel too hard, moments where I feel like I don't have it in me. 

It isn't that, in those moments, I don't want to be a mom. 

I love my kiddos more than anything, but during those times I don't feel qualified.

I can't be a mom because...

I don't have enough patience, 

I'm not loving or kind enough,

I'm frustrated and irritated easily,

I'm tired (all the darn time),

and on and on. 

All these things that tell I'm not good enough pile high up in my head.

They mess with my heart and drag me so far down. 

The truth is I'm never going to be the perfect mom. There is no such thing, 

I'll probably never have all the patience or love I want to give. 

I'll be moody sometimes and I know that I'll always be tired. 

But, you know what makes me enough, what makes you enough? In motherhood, in anything?

Jesus.

He's the one who has made me a good mom.

And on there days where I feel like I can't make it through, He's there too. 

I'm holding tight to this truth!

In Them I See Jesus

I see Him in the pureness of their skin.
So soft and beautiful.
Gentle to the touch, with a scent I want to inhale.

In their eyes.
So bright and full of joy.
A glimpse into their little souls.

In the way they love, especially the way they love one another.
Joy is what their love is.
It's full of giggles, grins, hugs and kisses.
It's full of hand holding and playing together.
This love, I never tire of it and I never will.

I see Him in the way they trust.
Easily they come into your arms for comfort,
Knowing they will find it there.
Easily they forgive in an instant never bringing up the wrong again.

I see Him in all they do, all they are.
They are the little children, my children,
Who show me more of who I should be, more of Jesus.

On His Shoulders

I have these moments every once in a while where depression sweeps over me. 

Often it comes out of nowhere and I feel completely overcome by it.

I feel the weight of it in my heart, down to my soul, and on my shoulders. 

The life we have is a wonderful one. Without problems? No, but I am surely blessed. 

However, there are moments when everything feels messy. 

There are moments where I feel a mess on the inside and on the outside.

Moments where my sin wears me down and makes me feel as if I'm never going to get past it.

Moments where I feel like the worst wife and mother ever.

Moments where I feel like there's nothing in this world that could make me better at those things.

That's part of my sin too.

Thinking that there is nothing that could change me or my heart. 

I have to remember there is one thing that can change it all, really change it. 

Jesus. He's taken my sin.... my messy, awful, heartbreaking, ugly sin from my shoulders.

He's put it on His own. Then, he took it and nailed it to the cross. 

It's not here to weigh me down. I've been set free. 

Remember that friends. Let your shoulders feel light because you've been set free too! 

Your worth is in Jesus, not the internet

on pinterest found via one step beyond the horizon

There's something that bugs me about blogging.
I've written about it before, but once again it's pressing on my heart.
Maybe somebody needs to hear it or maybe its the fact that I need to remind myself.

At times blogging feels a whole lot like a popularity contest.
Actually, all of social media seems that way.
I'm cool because...I have this many friends on facebook, this many people follow me on twitter and instagram, this many people follow my blog, and I'm friends with so and on on the internet.

I don't mean to downplay these things because I think social media great. Facebook is a great way to stay connected with friends and family. Twitter and instagram are fun. I really enjoy blogging and I know that to some people it is more than a hobby, it is a career. I also know that some have made some of the closest friends via the internet. Like I said, all these things are great, a fun part of life, BUT THEY AREN'T ALL OF LIFE.

I do enjoy all these things, BUT THEY AREN'T WHERE MY WORTH IS. I hope people know that and feel it. Yes, I love that people actually read my blog, but if no one did, so what? I write for me. If someone reads it and likes what I have to say, great. If they don't, well that's fine too.

My worth is not found in that.
My worth is not found in adding another friend on facebook.
My worth is not found in how many people respond to me on twitter or retweet things I write.
My worth is not found in how many people follow me on instagram.
My worth is not found in how many people read my blog or in blog comments.
My worth is not found in who I'm friends with.
My worth is not found in any of these things.

My worth is found in God.
That's where it all is.
That's the only place it needs to be.
I hope you know this to. If you're struggling with feeling like those things have to be perfect, feeling as if those things are what make you worth something, know those things aren't true.
Nothing is perfect. No matter how hard you try, it won't be. It's not suppose to be because the only thing that will fill you with satisfaction is Jesus. Look to Him and let all else fall aways.